Started here, April 2nd, 2019.
Just to note, in that previous post, when I say things like, “She asked me to pull out a chair for her” – that’s mental communication/telepathy. I usually don’t physically see or hear her. I’ll either respond verbally or telepathically. (That sounds dumb, lol, I mean conversing in my mind.) I’ve noticed many younger people on here, new-ish to magick, that seem to be getting the impression that we’re all seeing & hearing the spirits physically, just like another person. I believe that’s not often the case, so I wanted to make that clear in my journal.
However, when I said, “I apologized & started crying at one point & she hugged me. I actually could physically feel the force of her head on mine, cause I tried to raise my head & end the hug, but she wouldn’t let me, lol. She said she wasn’t done loving on me.” I actually physically felt her head against mine & her force holding my head down & preventing me from raising it. This part here: “Then she kissed my cheek and it was strange feeling her teeth against my cheek, instead of lips, but not scary or anything. Just different.” was sort of a mix of physical & mental/spiritual/psychic/however you want to classify it. When I really concentrated, I could lightly physically feel it, but if I didn’t really focus on it, the physical feeling faded & just the knowledge of what was happening was there.
Two different times since then, I’ve briefly smelled roses in my room & I believe that was her. I should not be smelling roses in here – I chain-smoke with the doors closed often & my room reeks of cigarettes, drowning out any other scent. So, that would be what? Clairolfaction? Clairalience? Clairscent? (I’ve also experienced this recently with my grandma’s perfume.)
OFFERINGS
I did what I promised with my first offering to Santa Muerta. I dug a hole by my irises, poured the rum in, put the Hershey bar & single cigarette in there, then lit 3 good ones for her, let them burn for a bit, then buried them, as well. After doing this, I realized that I don’t have room to continue burying her offerings on my property, where they won’t be disturbed. So I’ve since been pouring them down the drain & throwing them in the garbage. That doesn’t feel magickal to me, but I figure they are used up by the time I dispose of them, so it doesn’t matter so much how I dispose of them. The magickal part was before the disposal.
My second offering was a bottle of water, 3 chocolate chip cookies, & 2 apricot kolachskis. I had a feeling to leave offerings for only 24 hours, but now I am going to leave them longer.
My third offering wasn’t anything consumable. I gave her some flowers I had made out of Play-Doh (lol) years ago: 3 roses & 1 other flower. She told me how pretty & well done they were & fawned over them like my grandma would’ve & that made me tear up. She did not want some of them that had more pointed petals & weren’t in the best shape, however. She’s not shy about telling you what she wants & doesn’t want! I also gave her a little frog keychain I have that croaks when you press a button. She either said it was “cute” or “pretty,” I don’t remember for sure. (She calls LOTS of things “pretty,” lol!) I had a thought she might make it croak (like I’d hear it croaking from upstairs) & that frightened me, lol! But I have asked her not to scare me & to be gentle with me & I believe she is.
I believe I have mostly been working with her White Robe aspect, since she’s contacted me recently. During my near-death experience, about 8 years ago, I saw her Black Robed aspect. In fact, her robe is all I saw. She did not have her scythe & I didn’t see any body parts. I suppose I should relay my NDE, now, & what she’s revealed to me about it.
MY NDE
Oh man, I really don’t want to relive this, so I’m not going to go into a lot of detail. One night, years ago, I had been to a doctor recently & had a procedure done. I was also trying to quit smoking, so I was wearing a nicotine patch. I was up late on FB & reading a post from a relative about a very serious disease they just found out they had. I started freaking out & chain-smoking. I have smoked on nicotine patches before & while it made me a bit sick, nothing serious happened.
Well, Idk if it had something to do with the procedure I had done recently or my smoking on the nicotine patch or what the medical reason was. But my heart started beating super fast & hard. It just kept speeding up & speeding up & the beats were starting to actually hurt my chest. It felt like I had a little motor in my chest that had started going out of control & was going to blow. I got light-headed & then anaphylaxis symptoms started. My throat started swelling shut & I noticed my fingernails & lips (as I walked past a mirror) were turning blue. I was having a great deal of trouble breathing & could just barely talk. I told my mom to take me to the ER & she started brushing her teeth! I was starting to lose consciousness. I couldn’t keep standing & yelled “Call 911!” with nearly all the air I had left. My throat was almost completely swollen shut. I slid to the floor & my dad got up & called an ambulance. I was having some sort of muscle spasms in my arms & then some in my legs. I somehow made it to my inhaler & used it as best I could. I think I also forced some pills down my throat with my finger (it’s hard to remember everything). I did not use my epipen.
Just before the paramedics arrived, I seemed to stabilize. My heartbeat quit increasing & started to slow down & my throat relaxed some so I could breathe a little better. But it still felt life-saving when they put oxygen on me. The paramedics checked me & said I was ok (?!), but your throat doesn’t fucking swell shut for no reason! They asked if I wanted to go to the hospital & I did. I’m in the back of the ambulance & the paramedics are saying it might’ve been a panic attack. I’ve had panic attacks in the past & didn’t think it was, but I’m starting to think just maybe it could’ve been & relaxing. Then I seized up, again. I think they injected me with benadryl. They gave me something by IV. This part is a bit fuzzy, but they radioed something about my QT wave to the hospital & told them to prepare.
I’m rushed into the ER & suddenly a bunch of people are around me & a doc has the paddles & is getting ready to shock me. Right before he is going to, though, I stabilize, again. Idk if it was the terror of seeing the paddles that shocked my heart back into the correct rhythm (I had some sort of arrhythmia, they said) or if he IV med they injected me with kicked in just then or what. So a paramedic stops the doc from shocking me & they look at my EKG for a bit & don’t shock me. I have a bunch of tests done, but they don’t know what’s wrong. I have one test done where they inject me with a dye I’m allergic to & I start spasming again & I’m afraid I’m going to die.
I’m left alone in a dark hallway & I can just feel death coming for me. I’ve been very sick before & I know what being close to death feels like. But this time… I can feel it like an entity. A being looking for me. As my time in the ER goes on, this sense gets stronger and stronger til I see a Hellhound in my mind’s eye, walking down hospital hallways (that intersect, like a crossroads) looking for me. Trying to smell me out or something. At first I just think I’m afraid & imagining it. But the feeling gets stronger & stronger (like when you can sense a ghost or shadow being) & I keep seeing flashes of this Hellhound in my mind’s eye unbidden. I can’t control when I’m seeing it. I am fucking TERRIFIED. I’ve never been more scared in my life. It’s looking for me, but it can’t find me. I gradually realize something is leading it away from me & confusing it. Idk if it was God or Death.
Then I start seeing in my mind’s eye… The Grim Reaper at the foot of my bed. Not right at the foot, but by the wall. And as time goes on… I start to see it partially in the real world, as well. I can’t explain the terror. I was so scared I couldn’t even talk; I was just crying & making incomprehensible noises. Three curious things, though, are 1) the Reaper doesn’t have his scythe 2) the Reaper is just standing there, waiting, & 3) I’m not getting an evil feeling from The Reaper, but a neutral one.
I realize The Reaper is waiting for God to tell him whether to take me or not. And something is still leading the Hellhound on a wild goose chase. Then, I feel the worst thing ever. I’m not sure I’ll be able to describe it as well as I’d like. Suddenly, I felt a part of me was gone from inside me. A very important & fundamental part of me. At the time, I felt The Holy Spirit was taken away from me. That the part of me that is also part of God was removed. And I never knew I could feel that way. I never felt that way before ever in my life. The separation from God, the isolation was so horrible. It was like I’d lost the most important thing ever. I thought it was the beginning of the end. I frantically prayed to Jesus to forgive me & reminded Him of his promise to never leave me & then I felt that piece given back. Slowly, The Reaper & Hellhound faded away.
Even after wearing a heart-monitor for a month, they never found out what caused my heart to act that way. Luckily, I haven’t had any other problems with my heart since then. They did find out some things that may have contributed to this attack. I had many (so many) more anaphylaxis episodes since then. Once during surgery, even (I so could’ve sued the hospital for that one).
So, since then, I’ve been so troubled by that night, by what it means. Cause I try so hard to be a good person & do what is right. I didn’t do so many things I could’ve, that I felt justified in doing, because they’re considered sins. I didn’t take revenge on people who deserved it. And the fact that a Hellhound was coming for me (to drag me to Hell, I assume), well… it pissed me off, quite frankly. Given how hard I’ve tried to be a good person, even with all that suffering & following the rules, I’m STILL damned to Hell?! WTF?! I was pissed & felt betrayed. I might as well had done the “horrible” things I wanted to do, if I’m going to be damned, anyway! I wondered if it was because I hadn’t been baptized, as my grandma always told me I’d go to Hell if I wasn’t before I died. So I got baptized after that. But I still feel like that’s bogus. You shouldn’t have to go through some rite for redemption. If you’re good enough & believe in Jesus, that’s supposed to be enough, isn’t it? I did it, anyway, just to be sure.
The thing I have wanted the most from Santa Muerte is to explain what happened to me that night & why. And she has. She was The Reaper, I believe. She said that the Hellhound, while real, was created by my fear & the false beliefs I have concerning Christianity. She’s going to help me tear down those false beliefs & get on the right track, psychologically & spiritually. I am so grateful to her for explaining this to me. My conscious & unconscious fears created the Hellhound. So what would the Hellhound be called? A thought-form? A tulpa?
I’m aggravated that I’m still locked into Christianity. I thought I was going to be free from it. But I guess this is the path I’m supposed to take, now. grumble grumble 
I guess I’ll see where it goes.
My last offerings were not consumable & Idk if that’s the reason why or if it’s just an effect of working with Santa Muerte, but I was totally drained of energy, yesterday & today. I slept all day & woke up exhausted. I read up on the amparo of St. Michael & I’m going to do that tomorrow, if I can.
Promised Future Offerings
Plant daffodils tomorrow
put penny in ground
paint coffin decor & put on altar
put red candle on altar
see what I have to make a dedicated altar just to Santa Muerte
paint a painting of her & put on altar
chocolate & hot cocoa
cigars (for amparo)
novena candle
I’m especially looking forward to the 2 Tarot decks (Robin Wood & The Witches’ Tarot) & a HUGE ASS Tarot book! The book is called “Holistic Tarot: An Integrative Approach To Using Tarot For Personal Growth” by Benebell Wen & it’s 896 pages, WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I also found that the author has 
YAY! So, I’ll be back after I do that, with updated photos. 
I hope you come back one day.
