IrisAthena's Journal

Links to my job strategy rune reading by @itsnathanm7.

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Jera – Perthro – Thurisaz

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" Object of power: Mill-stone, scythe" Interesting.

“Present significance: violence, attack, aggression. When reversed, this rune tends to mean defensiveness rather than aggression. Mjolnir is often considered as a balancing aspect of Thurisaz – the positive manifestation of this troublesome rune, which, once mastered is unmatched in power and might.” “This meditation is designed to balance the energies of Thurisaz that build up around us in response to stressful and emotional events. The energy of Thurisaz manifests in the fight or flight response”

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Mood Music

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Zepplin!

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May 29th, 2019

This will probably be edited many times or deleted completely. I’m in a little emotional tailspin due to my dad being the asshole he is & my having PMS (thus, much less control over my emotions than usual). I hate that he can still fucking upset me as much as he can. I hate that he is such a goddamned asshole. He’s a narcissist & has sociopathic tendencies, too. Besides being a goddamned coward. And yet, I love the bastard more than anyone else on earth. His opinion shouldn’t matter as much to me as it does, but it does. Sigh. So what’s this all about, huh?

He mentioned briefly, days ago, that he should have been there for me more when I was young. And I wondered why something I’ve wanted & maybe needed to hear for decades didn’t feel positive to me. I was figuring it was sort of a “too little, too late” thing. But then I thought back to what he actually said & realized it was just more of his old bullshit. He said he should have been there more for me when I was a teen, but I was so headstrong that he let me have my way & it turns out that was the wrong decision. For some reason (denial & racism, probably), he thinks the fact I went to the public high school near me was a huge mistake. I broke the fuck down in high school & had to be inpatient in a mental ward a few times (no longer than a month, any time), but it was because that’s when my C-PTSD kicked in. I was finally in a safe place & all the emotions I had to shove down & not deal with for a decade (because there was no time for emotions, I had to keep myself alive) came gushing out all at once. I never knew before high school that it was possible to mind your own business & not be hurt for no goddamned reason. My brain could not compute it. I kept waiting for the next attack that never came. I kept waiting to have to fight for my life, again. And the more time that went on where no one attacked me, the higher my anxiety & hypervigilance got to where I couldn’t even be in the school building anymore. I had to ditch, cause the longer I stayed in the building, the stronger the feeling of imminent doom & death got. I’d have panic attacks & have to leave. I tried to deal with it. But when it got to the point where i just locked myself in a bathroom stall for the whole school day, trying to calm myself down & chain-smoking… I was like, “Fuck this” & would leave & smoke weed with friends. Feeling safe & happy & having fun & feeling included & that I belonged & was valued & ugh.

I needed his ass before I was a teen. When my classmates kept sending me to the fucking hospital with broken bones & internal injuries. But, no… he couldn’t be fucking bothered to do a goddamn thing, then. It was my fault back then, too. If I wasn’t strong enough to win fights, I deserved what I got. I remember the first time I was hurt badly enough to have to go to the hospital. I got jumped by over 6 guys… it was a pile of dudes, idk how many exactly. I didn’t start the fight, but I didn’t roll over & submit, either. I fought for equal rights. And was beaten for it & told I was bad & the one who was wrong & the problem, by all involved, obviously. Teacher didn’t stop it. Wouldn’t let me go to the nurse even though it was right across the hall from the gym. Teacher yelled at me & told me to stop crying & being a baby. Fucking asshole, I was a 7 year old girl & I thought my arm was broken. Turns out it was my collarbone. I disobeyed (after catching the other gym teacher doing shots in his office) & went to the nurse & then the hospital. And my fucking mom was too afraid to call my dad to tell him. I remember her whining, “He’ll blame me, he’ll yell at me, you tell him!” & forcing me to call my dad at work. And he was instantly pissed & yelled, "NOW what did you fucking do?!" Yeah, of course getting jumped by a bunch of boys was my fault. Before hearing any of what happened – I was always in the wrong & the bad one.

So, the fact that he’s still trying to peddle that “all your problems were your own fault & that’s why you’re fucked up” isn’t fucking flying with me. My divinations lately have been telling me I need to be more assertive & speak the fuck up, so I briefly talked to him about it, last night. Reiterated that high school isn’t what fucked me up, but grade school. That he should have been there for me then. He got annoyed & I’m tired of banging my head against this brick wall, so when he said, “It was in the past, let’s just forget it,” I agreed. I used to protest that, but I know there’s no goddamn point. He can’t be the father I need. And I’m much more of a man than he’s ever been.

This is a man who, after being questioned by a surgeon as to whether his 9 year old girl had been raped, because that surgeon found scar tissue inside her vagina, just wanted to get out of that hospital asap. Because he was “bored.” Eating my food & drinking my juice, which is used to make sure everything was sewn up correctly & I can pass solid & liquid waste correctly after the unplanned additional surgery I just had. That I was bleeding from my vagina from. When I was told I wouldn’t be cut. But, no, fuck that. Screw the physical health of my child. Who cares if they sewed everything up correctly or not? Who cares if they missed something in that bloody mess & urine or feces invades areas inside her body that it shouldn’t. I’M BORED, LET’S GO! Luckily, the nurse caught him eating my food & brought me more, so they could make sure my body was working correctly.

This is a man who literally stepped over an old, injured man without any emotion whatsoever & was going to keep going as if nothing happened. I yelled at him to help the old man up & he did. The guy was a Vietnam Vet. He had vomit on his shirt & a hospital bracelet on. He asked for a cigarette. I gave him one. Then he started getting physically threatening toward me. I didn’t want to hurt the guy, cause I could tell he was altered (either by mental illness or drugs – he either escaped a mental ward or a detox place) & not really in control of himself. I probably could’ve taken him, but I didn’t want to hurt him. So, in an uncharacteristic moment of hesitation, I glanced to my dad for help. And he was running away down an alley. Saving his own skin & not giving a shit about me. The only way it could’ve been worse was if he had pushed me towards the poor crazy guy to save himself. He was NOT going to get help; he was running away like a little baby. I finally saw who he really was that day. I looked to my mom, who was still nearby, but confused as to what to do. I defused the situation (I almost always remain calm in an emergency, unless it’s my emergency) & the man ran away into traffic & almost was hit by multiple cars. I calmly called 911 & they had already received calls from the motorists.

My dad is a man who has been & has no problem being violent to animals, children, & women. He brags he used to beat guys up in high school, but he either was a bully or he’s lying, cause he only attacks those weaker than him. He beat me up once as a child. Terrorized me a lot, too. So why the fuck do I care what he thinks so fucking much? ARGH!

I have a pet that violently hurts me. My parrot has bitten me multiple times badly. Cracked a bone in my finger, left scars on my face. He hates my bird. Always asks how I can love something that hurts me so much. I’ve almost said, “Well, I love you, so…” But it’s not worth the fucking temper tantrum he’d throw over that. Here’s evidence of my parrot’s latest attack. The funny thing is, I didn’t even think he broke the skin at first. And then the blood started bubbling up & would. not. stop. This blood on my nightgown is just what escaped as I was holding the gaping edges of the wound closed tightly with my other hand, while I walked to the sink.


In order to try to break parrots out of biting, you are not supposed to show any emotion while they are biting you. Heh… this is easier said than done. But I do it. I stare at the bird stone-faced & tell him “NO!” in a calm, firm voice. Then get the fucker off of me & tend to my wounds. I needed stitches for this, but I didn’t go get any. The wound was still bleeding like a river 12 hours later. (I bound it tightly with big band-aids, but when I took it off to change it, the blood flowed freely, again.) I lost feeling in my thumb & some of my fingers for hours (he bit the thin, bony base of my thumb), but it came back. I was fine in a few days (luckily, I heal from cuts/punctures quickly) & there isn’t even a scar.

My grandpa (my dad’s dad) was a paratrooper in WWII. He & I got along quite well. He never talked to his kids about the war, but he talked to me about it. I think he knew I’d understand better than the others. I used to go to a VFW to hang out & drink (friend would get me in) & I get along with vets quite well.

Well, anyway… I just needed to vent a little. Here’s a couple of videos. I’d like to post something more “real” & “gritty” than the A-Team… but I have a goofy, fun sense of humor, too. So, yeah, here ya go. Oh, here’s the Wikipedia entry on courage, too. I have it. My dad does not.

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I am so so sorry you had such past, such memories and such frustration at the moment.

I just wish you to be happier. I am sure the days will come. PMS makes us more sensitive to everything, and you seem to have quite a lot on your shoulders.

Sending you love,x.

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Thank you very much, Nox. I just needed to vent a little, ya know? Oh, I forgot to mention that my dad didn’t go to the hospital the time the ambulance took me, when I saw Santa Muerte, which I wrote about to start this journal. Citing the “not wanting to be bored” thing, again. All my friends have left me, well, except for my best friend in another state, but I’ve outgrown him & am leaving him. At least when everyone is gone & I am done, Santa Muerte will be there for me. She’ll be my friend at the end. Probably the only one. Thanks again, Nox. :hearts:

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You have another friend in me, just so you know.
Whenever you feel it drop me a pm.
You are not alone.
And of course, Mamma Muerte is the best!

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Thank you so much, @anon48532061. Hugs!

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Don’t thank me!!!

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I am glad you overcome it like a boss :muscle:

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You will have plenty of friends I guess. Never worry about it :+1:

Btw, may I suggest that you work with Vassago for a little time, it has some therapeutic powers which may be very useful and will help you to release stored pain, confusion. This will help you with your future in a very positive way. :slight_smile:

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Thank you for the advice.

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May 30th, 2019

Ok… I’m a little weirded out right now. I was trying to find a picture online of a necklace my grandma gave me when I became a teenager. I knew it was a seal or something from a grimoire, but I was having brainlock & couldn’t remember which one. I went thru the Solomonic pentacles & the 6th & 7th Books of Moses & finally fricken found it in The Book of Ceremonial Magic by Arthur Edward Waite… specifically in the Talismans of the Sage of the Pyramids section (which I believe is another name for The Black Pullet?) and that also happened to be one of the first real magickal things I tried on my own. As in, she gave me the necklace, but I didn’t know what it was. And I decided to try conjuring from the same book the necklace came from, without realizing it was from the same book. When she gave me the necklace, it honestly creeped me out a little & I put it in a jewelry box & forgot about it, lol. I hope I didn’t get rid of it. I wanna find that thing, so I know for sure which one it was (there are a few similar & over the years, my memory has faded). Was Grandma more into the occult than I realized?? She must not have known what it was… right? Oh man, my mind is boggled, lol. This is crazy.

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Ok, looking for the necklace, Santa Muerte seems kinda angry at me, but not pissed. Said I need to meet her black aspect. I took 1 shot of rum w/ her & I am trashed! WTF?! This is fun but a little concerning. Eeep! Shit is gettin weird. Like Lady Eva says, “Do weird shit, weird shit happens.” Seriously, i should NOT be this drunk on 1 shot, whaaaaat?

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I think the necklace was this talisman from The Black Pullet.

Figure_20_Black_Pullet

It’s for winning while gambling & things like that. Sounds like something Grandma would get. I know it’s not a big deal she gave me this, but I want to find it. I don’t think I would’ve gotten rid of it, but I have this nagging fear that I did. I’d just like to have it cause she gave it to me. Hmph. Frustrating I can’t find it.

Anyway, I did my ritual herb bath & banished & stuff. I’m sorry I’ve gotten pretty TMI in here. If anything I’ve said has made anyone feel bad, I apologize.

Oh & the job I got the interview for wasn’t a good fit for me. I turned them down for personal reasons. Back to the drawing board.

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Just a couple of random things. I posted a thread with a link to HeroMachine in the lounge. Here’s an image I made of Artemis with it. It’s not perfect (her face is a little too young looking), but close enough for now.

Also, I was listening to either Soundgarden or Audioslave one day & realized I could try to communicate with Chris Cornell, if I wanted to. Briefly thought it might be cool to have him around. Then quickly realized he’d probably be an annoying ghost to have around. I know that’s kinda terrible to say, but probably true. My generation has lost so many of our singers. It would be kinda cool if we could communicate & work with them. But most of them were tortured souls in life & are probably still troubled by the same things in death. MCA is different, cause he grew spiritually & wasn’t seeking death. Plus, he was Buddhist, so there’s a small possibility he could’ve become a spiritual teacher (I doubt it, but anything is possible).

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Reminder: I want to work with Kali & Sekhmet, soon. Probably Hecate, as well.

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Alright, let’s get back to magick!

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Ok, this post is gonna be a bunch of random shit, but it’s all magick-related!

  1. The next time I talked to Santa Muerte, she was even more agitated than before. (And also not acting like herself, which really confuses me.) I did a thorough banishing, but I said, “By my will & Santa Muerte’s, I banish you” during it. I didn’t realize for awhile that that might be why she was aggravated. I used her name to banish without asking her if that was ok. I just assumed it was, cause she loves & protects me. But seeing how she accepts everyone, especially outcasts, perhaps that’s why she was upset. I’ll try not to assume things with her from now on.

  2. I also wanted to note, when I took my herbal purifying bath, it had some physical effects, too. I forgot to add the wintergreen oil, but I’m glad I forgot, because that stuff is powerful. And something in my mix of basil, rosemary, bay leaves, lavender epsom salt, & sea salt caused me to feel strange physically. I had a little trouble breathing & was a little shaky & I could just tell it had a decent effect on me physically. I think it was the bay leaves. I used 4 (but 2 were small) & crushed them with my mortar & pestle. I think to be on the safe side, only use 1 or at the most 2 bay leaves. They appear to be potent. And they may interact with medications, I’m not sure. If you’re nervous about them at all, just omit them. Though I have to say & this may sound stupid or unbelievable or whatever, but I feel like my chakras (or something) from my stomach down became unblocked. I felt so much freer & unblocked in that area after my bath ritual. I wish I would have done it sooner! I had a dream years ago that was telling me something about how some of my chakras were messed up. I thought it meant from my solar plexus on up… but it appears it was actually from my solar plexus down.

  1. You know what bothers me about this talisman? Why are the Jupiter symbols reversed? (Or is that second one a Saturn symbol with a really curly scythe?) At first, I thought it might be a seal & that’s why, but the numbers are not reversed. And why is the Mercury symbol missing one of its “horns”? I don’t understand that, so it bothers me. It seems like reversing the Jupiter symbol would cause bad luck, ya know? And why omit one of Mercury’s horns? Unless it’s supposed to be like half Mercury & half Venus. Hmph.

  2. I bought some Lemon Balm, mostly to use as a mosquito repellent by my patio (where I do some rituals). As I was planting it… a fucking mosquito was hovering around it, like it was attracted to it, rather than repelled by it. Damn it! It was like it was mocking me. Little flying bastards. Plant looks pretty, though. My irises bloomed & they’re pretty. I smelled lilac in the garden the other day & went to where my big lilac bush is to take a clipping and… uh… all the flowers were gone. Why was I smelling them then? :thinking: I also got some delphiniums & laughed when I read they keep ghosts away. Then I reconsidered & filed that away as “useful knowledge,” lol. My “silver leaf” bolline works well & is strong enough to cut through blackberry brambles. Oh, I also got 2 lavender plants (Gods, I love the smell of lavender!) to replace the one my dad fucking butchered to death. But they’re just regular lavender, not the awesome WHITE lavender I did have. Grrrrrrrr. Not all plants can be pruned to the fucking ground… when will he accept this?! Lost my milkweed/butterfly bush thing, too. :frowning:

  3. I don’t think that spirit that contacted me was Glasya-Labolas, anymore. @Micah & I talked about it & I think that spirit was an imposter. Possibly my incubus masquerading. I DID contact the real Glasya with his sigil and… he was a lot less fun than the spirit I was talking to before. :frowning: I need to be more vigilant in vetting the spirits that talk to me. I feel like a dumbass for falling for an imposter when I should fucking know better! :woman_facepalming:t2:

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