For quite some time i’ve been seeking to invoke the Darkness in me. Growing in an environment both of the family cell and society that was breeding weakness, conformism, RHP values, lack of independence that caused so much pain and suffering. Now i seek to reprogram my mind. To tune to the Darkness and Hatred, Malice and viciousness and become the predator rather than the prey.
Things went to weird directions and i found this one guy who i never met yet as he always leaves the psychedelic substances hidden somewhere for me to pick up. I got 3 doses of LSD seperated into 3 sugar cubes. He told me to take 1.5 if i want something strong. But somehow the sugar cube was too strong for me to break it into a half so i just took 1 and frankly it was enough at that time. It was so intense. As i did the ritual of invokation of Azazel, i went to lay in bed and rest. Slowly i felt the beast awakening and i have started to masturbate and everything was turning dark red in my mind as if i am in some BDSM club in hell or something like that. I then was reaching to an Orgasm and tried to refrain from Ejaculating but it was stronger than me and i just exploded all over myself. It was the most intense orgasm i ever had. I also read some invocation of Lilith, Tiamat and Kali for Vampiric tuning. It took me almost an hour to catch my breath again after that of how strong it was. I felt so much power, i felt so alive. I felt in love with Sex as i once were before all the traumas and loss of confidence. I felt bestial, i put some black metal in the background, my favorite band Necromantia which connected me even more to the darkness.
I was hungry. I understood in the trip how our brain using the energy that is gathered from the food that we consume to function properly. Some people just eat and do not think rationally therefore their brains do not function properly and thus they remain fat. Also it made me realize how people (such as myself) who experienced a drastic decrease in weight, as i have lost in few months 26 pounds, have understood many things really fast about themselves and were not able to balance it with proper dietary plan. So i went and took two bananas and just devoured them.
I was watching at myself in the camera (mirror at that time) and see the manifestation of Darkness in me as well as purity. I saw how beautiful and powerful and genius i am. Yet with all that i saw also something sad deep in my eyes. That misanthropic essence that will always remain bound at the core of my soul that brings rise to the Darkness of the soul. I understood that i can show the beauty and power of me to all the world but deep inside myself i know of the sad things. Then it made me realize that this is how everyone is and it made me sink further more in Darkness and coldness. I felt like a 10,000 years old Vampiric elder who at nights just sits and writes and sometimes would play some music and wish to become better, if there is only someone that will listen.
The Darkness was so beautiful, it wrapped me at once and welcomed me as the most honorable guest in the most luxus club of the Universe. I felt how i am sick of everything. That i want to rise above all and become a God. Are these entities or just voices in my mind? Are these enttiies or just my higher self making a contact with me? The God within, as only i exist.
Slowly i was rising to the Apex of creation. I envisioned a movie, one that would make anyone here lose his IQ in few points. Just two teens having a boring fight over nonesense. Slowly the movie was changing and the same characters were having a different script, and slowly everything was changing and i just understood how everything is an illusion, non-existence and the only thing that exist, the only eternity is change itself. And that force is so powerful.
I was rising beyond all these illusions of the mundane world and was seeing myself as a God, but yet i saw iother Gods as well, flowing as patterns of ideas so complex to the human mind. Yet how to rise above them? Then I saw Satan, not as an entity but as the divine soul of the Unvierse in which the cosmic physical realm would be it’s body, it’s vessel of learning itself. I saw how we are all parts of him. In fact how we are all generated from it’s mind. It was so perfect and the most beautiful thing i ever saw. It was on a mathematical level that is not of how we see mathematics on paper but much more than that. I could never imagine the absolute truth of existence to be anything more beautiful than that. I literally touched the God within me. I saw how Everything and Nothing (both with capital letters) are happening right now! When? Right now!! There is no past or future, it’s all now. The infinity of the moment. I saw how the imperfection and perfection are one. How Darkness and Light are one. How Beginning and End are one. How everything happens at the same time. It is harder and harder to explain what i saw as it all disappearing from my conscious mind but it was so fucking beautiful.
I felt really weak after that. On the verge of dying. I felt like a Wraith in this world. Cast away, i needed some kind of a powerful mentor to help me discover the power in me. A Dark Lord who found it in himself. I knew i needed to feed on energy. I was trying to astrally attach myself to someone who i know is quite muscular and bestial and drain his power, like a leech. To empower myself. For survival. It’s either me or him, and i don’t give a fuck about him. I felt i managed to sustain it, but it was too weak as i am weak and not initiated in the artes of Psi-Vampirism. I then tried to create an energy ball between my hands, it felt so hot and i just started to feast on it, it helped me a little but still not enough. I was drained and the Acid was not over and i needed to sleep.
I lost my insecurities and gained a higher sense of self. Yet i still need to invoke the Darkness in me, I still need knowledge how to feed upon others, how to become vicious and malicious, i need a mentor and i can’t find one but i am patient. With this divinity that i found out, i also realized that one the trip will be over ill return to the mundane world and the zombie paradigm around me that sickens me so i must invoke the Darkness. I don’t give a fuck any more about morals. I must rise to power and through the exploration of the Shadow realm i will rise.
One who will see the vast potential in me of Will to Power and will invest in me as if i am his offspring of Darkness. As our numbers are so few. As well as making this post an informative source on what i understood as the absolute truth it is also a call for a mentor, those who are sworn to the Dark. The true Vampires, Satanists, and malicious figures of you here, those of you who want or are already Darkness incarnate, let me learn from you.