Hi all, I am a returner, I almost made a damn thread to introduce myself before realizing this thread actually holds the introductions.
I am a returner, I’ve gone through a long, strange, and quite a fateful journey.
To sum it up, as I will cover it more in detail in my journal for those interested, this is what happened and why I left.
I ended up in a shit place as a result of everything I’ve tried to do, I lost faith, tried to merge with Christianity due to perceived common ground, found out Christianity was all about obedience and nothing to do with righteousness, and realized no one took my virtues or path seriously which slammed me into an identity crisis that would blow a massive hole in my makeshift phalanx of a mental state.
A friend introduced me to mind-altering substances, first journey was a rollercoaster of laughter, the second made me see some beautiful dark stuff, the third made me see something I believed was all a lie, which I had buried, mourned, and came to terms with to be nothing but a figment of make-believe.
I saw my goddess, and it ripped apart my perception of reality, causing a renewed interest in the occult.
That’s why I am here now, to reconnect, to try find some manner of distant kinship as the world is becoming an increasingly cold and lonely place for me to be in.
I would love to share photos of me…well, not really, but I really need to fix myself up a bit.
I have taken on the name of Ashtarte, a portmanteau of Ishtar/Astarte/Astaroth, which is a fickle goddess that has been recurring both on an overt and subtle level, and I will describe the journey more in detail in my journal.
I don’t want to share photos yet because I need to fix myself up a bit, I just recently woke up in more than one way, and I look like crap.
Regarding magick…well, to be honest, my magick is to look upwards, to figure out what deities and other entities are, what rules dictate their reality, to understand what I am, my role and my relation to these beings.
I create models so I can more efficiently filter data, and I have had a lot of progress since I jumped straight down the rabbit hole.
Magick to me is to hack reality, to become more aware, it is not enough to subtly control probability, I want the answers that alchemists throughout time have sought.
My ambition and struggle tie together, because I am making strides forward in this world of lies, deceit, and weakness, I’ve been required to sacrifice quite a lot, and I am trying to deal with it the way I’ve been taught.
I’ve lost a lot, but I’ve also gained a lot, and now I am back here again, the online watering hole of occultists, because I’ve come to learn the value of constant learning and reflection.
I’ve lost 2/3 of my friends during a span of 3 months, it is logical to seek social interaction somewhere.
This all will likely seem like an overwhelming mess, but the past 3 years have been absolutely insane, and every single one of them has a part to play in why I choose to resurface here.
I will likely spend a hefty amount of time in the Journal section, but it is my intention to also share my work as well as see if I have anything to offer others as my contribution to the community.
Regardless, nice to meet you.