just found this site. ive always been xtian and i still absolutely want to believe in a God that loves me, but my life since childhood has been wrought with repeated trauma and im 22 now and have resigned myself to life only as a waiting period until death.
always been interested in magic, in witchcraft and spells and nature etc. and im not really open to new gods or spirits necessarily, but i suffer so horribly and this is another effort to cry out for help.
Have so much trauma… Ptsd and Cptsd and Ctsd (continuing traumatic stress disorder) among other mental illness due to many many traumas including sexual and emotional and neglect, all of which are compounded in multiples due to botched therapy (seen 7 therapists total and they all refused to acknowledge my trauma in the way that i told them i needed). Have DID and bad depression. very emotionally isolated and lonely but terrified and also disgusted by people in general due to the cruelty i have experienced, and also what i observe in the world.
Take pills, eat veg, get sun (Vit. D), do some exercise, meditate, try coping skills, done some CBT and DBT, tried TMS and saw no difference, feel absolutely helpless and alone.
Cannot stress enough my feelings of alone-ness, isolation, and being different. (Definitely partly due to autism)
I’ve seen PTSD described as soul loss… i definitely feel like i’ve lost almost everything, especially with the repeated and compounded trauma. I need some guidance and some suggestions and some information on magic and spirit healing because clearly the usual methods have not worked.
I am suicidal, but afraid of the pain of killing myself and also afraid that being dead will be just as bad or worse than this. I beg God and have seen Him in my life before, but now is probably one of my most painful times and I cannot see Him working in my life at all… I can really only see my own work. I dont want to give up my faith. But i need something else. I am struggling so hard. Please, anything you can suggest or link me to is welcome (within guidelines) and appreciated.
TLDR; Massive miserable trauma (ptsd) please point me towards magic and spirit healing