Hi there, wasn’t active some time but back again!
I suppose this will sound slightly irrational to some of you, but i can’t get rid of the feeling i am going to talk about here, so maybe somebody else can shake me up to re-think the issue.
The thing is i did terrible things toward one group of people during last few months. Wanna keep more info about it private tho, and i have good reason for that. Shortly, i am newer at this path, started shadow work less then a half year ago, and it isn’t something what one can finish in so short time, especially the one full of hidden traumas and wounds as i am. However that work goes well in the most of areas thanks to my Patron demon who is more then willing to help, but seems my growth process is far from over. Why am i telling so…
Because in this particular situation with these people, i was unaware of very very wrong mind pattern behind my actions. I like them and i owe them a lot, also i am becoming more and more familiar with their mind patterns and life concepts and i appreciate these really much, but because of my unsolved shadows and wrong behavior patterns i did enormous injustice towards them and that thing went so deep they actually consider me the one who is the threat to them, whom they can’t trust at all!
After the situation escalated two days ago, i re-thought everything considering their and my actions and words in general, felt fully responsible for my crimes, and found the way how not to behave immature and evil like that ever again, but… The sense of guilt is really huge inside my heart, and i also want these people back to my life, because they mean so much to me.
Also i feel guilt toward my Patron demon, he was always more then willing to help me, but counted at my contribution in this process too, and now i failed his test (and it was obviously one of his lessons for me) and i feel like he doesn’t like me anymore, that he won’t forgive me that failure.
I used to meditate at his enn every night before the sleep and i always felt connection with him, but after i did these terrible things because the lack of emotional stability and rational thinking he was telling me to change all the time (!), i can’t connect with him anymore.
Shortly i have feeling that i betrayed everyone i love in this situation and in life generally… I betrayed him, i betrayed that group of people, and i think they will never forgive me, i afraid i lost not only these people forever, then my Patron. Because of that i have sleepless nights, terrible nightmares about me being alone and neglected from everybody i hold dear, and i am crying two days already, sometimes even at the road!
I would appreciate your advises so much, i desperately need other people points of view in this so i can think more rationally.
Thanks for your help in advance!