I want them back

New Magician Help & Introductions
#1

Hi there, wasn’t active some time but back again!

I suppose this will sound slightly irrational to some of you, but i can’t get rid of the feeling i am going to talk about here, so maybe somebody else can shake me up to re-think the issue. :slight_smile:

The thing is i did terrible things toward one group of people during last few months. Wanna keep more info about it private tho, and i have good reason for that. Shortly, i am newer at this path, started shadow work less then a half year ago, and it isn’t something what one can finish in so short time, especially the one full of hidden traumas and wounds as i am. However that work goes well in the most of areas thanks to my Patron demon who is more then willing to help, but seems my growth process is far from over. Why am i telling so…
Because in this particular situation with these people, i was unaware of very very wrong mind pattern behind my actions. I like them and i owe them a lot, also i am becoming more and more familiar with their mind patterns and life concepts and i appreciate these really much, but because of my unsolved shadows and wrong behavior patterns i did enormous injustice towards them and that thing went so deep they actually consider me the one who is the threat to them, whom they can’t trust at all! :frowning:
After the situation escalated two days ago, i re-thought everything considering their and my actions and words in general, felt fully responsible for my crimes, and found the way how not to behave immature and evil like that ever again, but… The sense of guilt is really huge inside my heart, and i also want these people back to my life, because they mean so much to me.
Also i feel guilt toward my Patron demon, he was always more then willing to help me, but counted at my contribution in this process too, and now i failed his test (and it was obviously one of his lessons for me) and i feel like he doesn’t like me anymore, that he won’t forgive me that failure.
I used to meditate at his enn every night before the sleep and i always felt connection with him, but after i did these terrible things because the lack of emotional stability and rational thinking he was telling me to change all the time (!), i can’t connect with him anymore. :frowning:

Shortly i have feeling that i betrayed everyone i love in this situation and in life generally… I betrayed him, i betrayed that group of people, and i think they will never forgive me, i afraid i lost not only these people forever, then my Patron. Because of that i have sleepless nights, terrible nightmares about me being alone and neglected from everybody i hold dear, and i am crying two days already, sometimes even at the road!

I would appreciate your advises so much, i desperately need other people points of view in this so i can think more rationally.

Thanks for your help in advance! :slight_smile:

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#2

There is never an end to a road, when you perceive there is, change your eyes.
Stop looking at what you could have done or should have done.
All that we do in this realm either is defined by us or defines us.
Perhaps you made poor choices, the world is not so small dear
there are many many other Ancients you can commune and plug into and receive the fullness of their wisdom.
Just make the decision that you will no longer stand still… lift you head!! :slight_smile:
Start again and regain your true spiritual vision. For many times we can limit ourselves by perceiving that the world around us ends when we mess up.
That is finite mind thinking!! You are far surpassing of that!! Lift your head:)
Rise!!:heart:
We all face it! Take courage! The Ancients are here to help!

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#3

Yes i agree i have to take positive view… Regret and head bonking, tears… won’t change anything. They can only ruin my energy needed for spiritual work.
Thank you for kind words, it means much to me in such situation. :slight_smile:

P.s. Also i have one good new - yesterday i was listening my Patrons enn and wrote a poem in His honor, was so emotive… And i felt Him a bit, just a bit. I hope it wasn’t only my wish to feel Him. He means a whole world to me. :slightly_smiling_face:

And also, wanted to mention here, please learn from my experience. Never EVER react toward people with whom you disagree in something before thinking! Whenever you feel hurted and guilt is partly yours also, retreat, rethink the situation better 3 months if needs then spoiling the relationships with flames.
You can lose a world.

#4

I truly understand all that which you speak of.
I have lived it myself, this is why I say
Lift your head baby.
A wise Ancient once said to me” when you lift up your head, every passing day that you can do so, you will feel a little bit better with the distance. Declare i am and I will- and each day you shall”

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#5

Huuuh… Now with time lag and the whole thing rethought and resolved…
I have realized how i was manipulated by those guys, especially the one.
They were playing with my feelings and rumoring about me behind my back, writing the shit about me at their social media and probably even laughing to my sorrow behind their walls…
Today when i am fully aware of that i am not in the sorrow and regret state of mind, i am in peace with everything that happened and i feel so free.
Their shattered mind - their problem. Not mine. They threw it at me, yeah, but see me - still standing tall, alive and self aware. They didn’t break me. They broke themselves with the negativity that burns inside of them and they are still breaking.
Now probably with some other victim…

I was stupid? Yeah, i was.
Typical empath syndrome.
And they knew how to “deal” with it, i was nothing but their food.
An important lesson to learn from, i am grateful.
Next time will be more cautious.

Empath? No more.
Or yes. But toward the right people and on the way that serves me either, not only the person who cries for help!

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