Vergil, this is precisely why I focused my BA on psychology. There are a bazillion hypotheses on trauma. My experiences have pointed me in the direction of Andrew Wakefield’s work. Also, Aletha Solter, Alphie Kohn, G & M Sears, Pam England, John Medina and others… in the vein of ‘kids experience trauma and it rewires the brain.’ It changes the neural pathways, impacts digestion (where 70% of the immune system resides; that would include a host of tiny bacteria that I want to protect me and my sanity), and because of the hormonal disruptions in the endocrine system, causes damage to major organs which further alters how the body processes and retains experiences. So I respectfully disagree with you. Memories both exist and do not exist. Anytime a memory is reaccessed, it is filtered through the lense of the person in that moment, yes. It is altered, and refiled for further distortion later. The memories I have were pondered, yes…because they were from a child’s point-of-view. And rattled loose after my first contact with the individual as an adult. My little brother has very vivid memories from those same years that have surprised the family with their accuracy. I have had the privilege, however, of communicating with the person to whom I refer. So, in addition to potentially sketchy visual, olfactory, emotional, and auditory memories, I also have a plethora of personal pminutia to observe. And I have. And it is obvious from the the demeanor, conversation topics, pointed questions, and other cues that I am correct. And when my tarot readings and trance journeys corroborate it, meh. I’m right. Besides, I don’t have an axe to grind here. I like the current guy (minus the hideous vibe I get around him). He’s done fantastic things with his life despite the appalling past he’s had with his own childhood. And I can definitely attest that in the midst of a nightmare flashback, people can say and do terrible things when appropriately triggered. Even generally decent well-meaning ones. My parents noticed anomalies in the behavior of the person, as well.
Anyhow, I’ve read my share of studies down to the research methods under which they were conducted. Pain shapes humanity like nothing else. Suffering. Instead of desiring to end it, like most white lighters, I’d rather use it as a focus, a tool. Keep it away until required. After all, my earliest memories of being afraid of the dark involved demons instead of monsters because my mother shaped the fear that way. Now, I look back on those recollections with gratitude. I simply want everyone in my illusion of life to agree on the illusion so I can comprehend the shape of the pain and focus my energy appropriately.
Daizin, if I could completely destroy someone, I want it to be someone I love and comprehend fully. So that it is the most exquisite pain imagineable. Not just baser desire for retribution or anhilation, but another level of self-initiation all together. Total destruction of both humans involved (of course, I want conscious metamorphosis for myself). What other kind of person risks birthing her child unattended?