I seem to be some kind of experimental spirit to this world?

Ever since my parents separated (the day( i think) i got this demon or something else follow me) up till now (17 years) my life seems to be always being testing. From abuse, sexual abuse, bullying, bad luck, depression and my behaviour (cheating, stealing, lying, saying things a “normal” 9 year old kid wouldn’t say or even know about) generally being a demon child. Then moved to 3 different countries for studying…and got interested with spiritual things

Up till 16 years later , life seems so be more “friendlier” to me but its cause i decided i have to control myself (basically hiding the horrible me…yes i have this side of me where i don’t want anyone to see it anymore) HOWEVER i cant see myself having a “tomorrow” (not going to kill myself) but i just cannot see my future…its like i am in the final testing stage. I cant even see myself living in this physical world by tomorrow…i am not scared of losing this body. So i am just using school to live on and do stuff. I don’t know how to explain more. I hope you understand it.

And guess what…i think Life is now using my real dad and step mum to “control/bully(?)” me

i would LOVE to see what the hell did i do to deserve this. I heard of Karam dept but i doubt i have one since my life (before i turn 4) was great. I had a dream house, best parents, dogs, cats…and so on. I also read that someone might be using my good karma stuff and use me to repay his or hers “karma” dept.

Since young i was a quiet baby. I didn’t cry much and beg much ( i only begged for a toy 1 time) (all said my my dad) like???

whats is going on with me and my life and everyone else…i seriously need some spiritual help. There is NO way i deserve my life to be this bad…NO DAMN WAY. well it could be true that i did something in my past life. However i am Lucas , not my past me and what ever i was…i can repay things that “I” did without knowing a thing on what i did my then

with all these trouble…i swear(heh…maybe) if that thing or person gives me so many trouble so get something out of me or whatever. I AM NOT GOING TO FORGIVE IT/HIM/HER/THEM FOR A LONG DAMN TIME…mess with me this much? HAHA GOOD LUCK.

(jeez ok i went out of control sorry)

will someone help or explain what is happening to me.

Just personal opinion, of course, but if karma is at play, trust it is your own from previous incarnations. Or your soul simply agreed to experience abuse in various forms as part of its evolution…
Other things may be at play here too, such as curses upon yourself, or generational curses in your family, but some (or many) of the negative things you’ve experienced may have been needful things to help you reach enlightment/ascension that you’re remembering as “part of an experiment”. This does not mean you’re unable to make changes to the game plan, or some situations weren’t just random “bad luck”.

Hiding “the horrible” you is what we all do. To have a civilized society, family unit and even friendships, most.
of us hide our baser impulses. I mean, I’d love to smack the crap out of people who annoy me, but I live in a society that considers that to be assault & will imprison & fine me for it & label me “criminal”.

Perhaps you could ask someone to scan you?
Perhaps you can attempt to contact your higher self, or spiritual guides to help you see the “bigger picture”?
Perhaps finding out some of the why’s would make “the horrible” you a bit less horrible too? Or more horrible, whichever. I just think some deep “know thyself” actions may be in order.

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