Yesterday I killed myself. There are many reason for this. There is alot that goes on behind the scenes that I don’t talk about on here. But in essence, for those familiar with Grant Morrison’s The Invisibles, I feel like I had fallen into the same fate as Tom O’Bedlam. I cursed myself with a name that in the end does more harm than good.
Banjax literally means Fucked Up.
And I embraced that for a long time. And for a while it served me well. I threw caution to the wind more often than not and those chances had done a great deal to advance me in many ways, both spiritual and mundane. But it can only take me so far before I reach a point of diminishing returns.
Banjax became, over time, a persona I couldn’t take off. Going from boldness and self assurance to arrogance. Using all my worst traits to form a suit of toxic armor that kept me safe and self sabotaged at the same time.
But in that arrogance I started hurting people I care about. Not physically, but my emotions were so closed off it caused problems. And in one instance I don’t want to go into detail about, it caused so much damage that it finally made me realize that I was no longer myself.
So I spent weeks mentally preparing myself for this. I created a mental poppet, a scapegoat, of Banjax Doolali. He became a separate invading force for me to cast aside.
Finally yesterday I prepared the ritual and gathered my items.
A lock of my hair
A lancet for drawing blood
DUME Oil I had prepared myself
a small piece of leather scrap
a coffin box
With these I sat down at my Altar and did the ritual in the manner of my own styling, as I am blending Feri Tradition and Luciferian/Draconic Traditions. And called on Tiamat, Leviathan, a Being I currently only know as The Great Phoenix, and of course Melek Taus.
With the tools laid before me I too a brush to the inside of the coffin and painted with the oil: Here Lies Banjax Doolali.
I put the lock of hair and a few drops of blood on the leather. These three things together represented my body. Then I added a few drops of the dume oil. Wrapped it all up, and sealed it into the coffin. Dropping wax from the candles for Tiamat, Leviathan, and The Phoenix on top of it.
Then reciting something to the effect of,
"With this Curse I now kill Banjax Doolali. I commit him to the grave along with everything he represents. All the bile, toxins, blockages, and negativity. I pour it all into this coffin and seal it there. I am no longer Him. I am me. Together we will die, but only I may be reborn. "
With that, I sunk into meditation. I mean really sunk. I felt myself being pulled into the Earth. Surrounded on all sides by cold soil. I was dead.
It then started getting warmer, and comforting, and suddenly I burst forth into an array of stars in pitch blackness. Melek Taus spoke to me as I compulsively annointed myself with dragonsblood oil.
“You have been reborn, birthed from the primordial womb. You have no name now. You will find your name under the Peacock Angel, and you will become greater than you ever imagined. You will know yourself.”
And then something unexpected happened, that perhaps I should have expected to a degree. Belphegor appeared before me. Not as the seductive demoness that he has come as so many times before, but as a wizened old white bearded man.
" For change to trully happen you much make absolutely certain that all of the old is stripped away to make room for the new. "
And he then quickly poured a thick black liquid down my throat. I physically gagged and sputtered. I felt my entire body stripped like an acid wash from the inside. When it passed I felt hollow, but like an vessel bursting with potential rather than simply empty.
“We made a deal remember? Now you are truly purified and new. You are free to be who you truly are. Now once last thing…”
With that both Melek Taus and Belphegor stoked the two flames within me. A vortex or Feri Fire and The Black Flame filled me and empowered me. Melek Taus spoke again.
“You are now one with the Infernal and the Faerie. Embody our energy and use it to grow.”
And that is when I came back to my senses and thanked all the spirits who aided me. I felt so many emotions but it’s all been for the best. The coffin was sealed and tossed away into the garbage. And I am new.
The old King is dead. Long live the King.