I need urgent help

Hey. It’s hard to still find words to explain how I feel. I fear for my life, that’s basically the bottom line. I can’t deal with this pain anymore. I can’t deal with the abuse I get on a daily basis, the numbness, the feeling of worthlessness, the feeling of getting my hopes up and “thinking positive” only for things to never work out LIKE ALWAYS.

None of the magick I have tried to perform works and I’m getting even more frustrated and realising that there really is no light at the end of the tunnel for me.

If anyone can help me in any way at all… I am literally begging for help because I don’t think I can hold on for much longer.

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First of all:

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Second of all:
what do you think you’ll need to hear or to know to make this right here stop:

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I just wanted good things to come to me for once. My business makes me absolutely no profit, my mother controls my whole life - the only things she can’t control is what I hide from her and I’ve been doing this for so long that my energy, my mental health is absolutely ruined, I’m drained, I’m so tired - and unfortunately because I am not financially independent I have to live under her roof and under her daily abuse.
I pretty much have no friends. Being shy, an introvert, just being a different person than the rest makes you an outcast in this world, unfortunately. And I have been pretty much on my own my entire life.
I also have an ex that contributed immensely to these feeling of despair… he was my first everything and he only used me. He was a narcissist that humiliated me, cheated on me, insulted me and then abandoned me.

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You have to stand up for yourself , and deal with it , we all have problems going on , if anyone were to comfort you you’d just get a reality that isn’t real

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Please, please do not contemplate harming yourself in any way. Whatever your problems are I assure you they are TEMPORARY. If you are considering suicide then that is a very permanent solution to something that will almost certainly improve with time.

Do NOT harm yourself. @A_Pariah has helpfully posted some very useful resources for you to look at if you feel you need urgent help.

I am in the exact same position and have been for my entire life. Things can get better, there are people out there who will happily welcome you as a friend and you will not feel like an outcast any more. That’s that’s happened to me when I found this forum. For the first time in my life, it’s like I have some friends. The same can be true for you!

Please keep going. I do not know you, but I believe in you. And I am always just a PM away.

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Good news to you then:
your life isn’t totally fucked.
So you deserve to hold on and to give yourself the chance to find out what exactly waits for you beyond the controlling grip of your mother. Not everything will be pretty and you will come back to the point of “I can’t do this anymore” more often than not (esp. during the growing periods. That shit sucks). BUT you will find out how it feels to be comfortable either in your natural introverted way (nothing wrong with that) or to explore the opportunities of socializing and how to feel comfortable OUTSIDE of your introverted nature. Not everyone will be your friend and thats a good thing in the long run, too.

First things first: try to gather your strength through your little “secret” that you are hiding from your mother. It is your island. Your cave. Your safety. Your own. We all have secrets and sometimes its better for our families and friends if they don’t know everything. Thats fine.

You need to gain back control at least over that secret part of your life. And from that point on you can work yourself to a way to escape your mother and her house via employment of any kind. Just anything that pays for a room and food on the table. Once you are free from that everlasting influence of your mother you can make your mind up where to go and what goals to set. As for now you are still too afraid and tired to figure that out, in my opinion. Take small steps. Look up how to plan your wage. You can look around and get a feeling what job you could realistically get and what you can get in return as living space. Maybe you could start taking courses to get good with your education (the internet is full of free education programs and maybe your place offers evening schools or anything similar you could participate in). This would lead your mind to a goal and to a skill to work on while you’re growing.

You don’t have to go full “boom” only to call it a success. Small steps. I am sure that there are things that you are able to do in your pace and with your energy ressources. Do you have hobbies? Any plans for your business in the long run apart from making profit? What motivates you to keep your business? Is it something you are good at? Is it something that makes you happy or that makes you content in your abilities?

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(a side thought about your current living situation: you could try to pick up voluntary work. It is a great way to get out of that house on a regular basis and you will get in touch with other people, which could give you a new input on your situation and how to solve it. Voluntary work made me discover that I like to yell at prison candidates and that I can keep a group of adolescent immigrants in check for hours very well. Huge self confidence boost. It would also help to get new working skills and to get used to a working schedule and commitments. And it looks good in any kind of resumé)

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Listen dear, Life isn’t short there is plenty of time to still get out from this situation, sooner or later you will find a way out and everything in your life will be exactly as you dreamed of.
Remember the qoute “this too shall pass”

My life was exactly like you, even though I’m a boy when I was a teenager I used to get abused physically, mentally and sexually.
I still do have major scars on my body, because of these stuff I was unable to connect with other people in school. I used to just sit alone in the corner and wonder about other kids being so happy and making friends whereas I was sitting alone with no friend.
And due to all these stuff happening to me I had To deal with insomnia at a early age and at that period of my life I lost my grandfather who I loved the most, I lost my little brother. My life was a complete mess.
Now I won’t go and write the whole story but now I look back and think those things and sufferings only made me stronger, the beatings, the blood, the loneliness, sore & crying eyes, not having friends, not even a single person to share your feelings.

What I am trying to tell you is that life is rough sometimes and it is not always joy and happiness. We get to deal with shit so that we can become stronger than we were.
Scars and sufferings are a blessing my friend embrace it, tell the world that you aren’t afraid.
Tell yourself that no matter what happens you are a giant, strong enough to conquer your destiny.

In the end you will look back and laugh that those things only made you stronger not weaker.
And if you ever feel lonely know that you got me and many other who will be willing to talk to you. We all are friends and family.
Now wipe those tears and stand up, face your fears.

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Hello @DragonsBlood​:heartpulse::sparkling_heart::heartpulse:, I’d be asking Belial to help you since he’s the one to help us in situations that seem to be out already out of our control. Please, address him personally as well.

P.S. Goddess Naamah as well. She takes good care of abused in whatever way women.

@Musarangoonqwala… oh, those scars… and watching the normal kids, later on normal people… normal families… normal circle of relatives… I guess some of us are just born already fallen

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I agree. I guess We were born broken and there is this life to fix what’s broken inside.
I think Most of us who came to magick were kind of broken, depressed, finding meanings of life.
The magick called us broken beings, embraced us and made us Gods and Goddesses.

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I wouldn’t say we were born broken. I think those of us that have to deal with this side of life and the world were first of all capable of dealing with it. And that’s why we are here. We just need to find the strength within and use everything at our disposal to make it through whatever comes our way. To heal our wounds.

Overcoming adversity and crisis. Getting through those depressive and suicidal places in our lives where we don’t even want to get out of bed. They make us the strongest people in this world. And then those of us called to magic as well?! We are here for a reason. Even that pain and suffering is to make you the god you seek to become.

No dark god or goddess is going to be made from a person who never has to face shit in their lives. Embrace, Overcome, Become.

Why should you kill yourself when you know that person who is causing you pain should be the one removed from this world? Don’t give them the satisfaction! We are here for you in whatever way we can.

:fist:

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Hmm sounds like you need to break free from your current habits and living situation. I have been many times in a place where I felt there was nothing I could do to change my living circumstances, afraid for what comes next and if I could continue to care for myself and my dog. I understand how stressful that can be. How hopeless it feels. Consider working with entities that are known for reality shaking results such as Belial who can help you break free of the prisons you impose upon yourself without realizing your fullest potential. At first, it may seem like nothing has happened. Your psychic senses are in need of improvement. For now try meditating for 5 minutes a day. Take a walk to look at trees and such up close every day for a week and then reflect on if it has helped you form any deeper understandings of the flow of energy around you. Understand that pain is a tool and it is meant to flow, rather than being held onto. I’m sure it is frustrating to feel as tho they are jot there to help you. But keep an open mind. Be patient. Pay attention to numbers. Consider trying a pendulum or tarot cards for guidance. With time and dedication success and peace will come to you. Do mot give up on yourself or the ones who are silently working to lay the stones for your path ahead.

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Thank you for these suggestions :black_heart:

How should I get in touch with Belial?

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Meditate on his sigil and repeat his enn, pray to him. He will hear you. It helps to bring an offering for him such as blood or sex energy. You may not notice him there since your senses aren’t developed yet but don’t give up. Be patient and ask him to show you signs of his presence.