Okay this is all probably going to sound like a big rant but please hear me out. You may have noticed my gradual decline in participation here and when I do show up I haven’t had anything real helpful to add to the conversations lately and I probably seem to be real moody too. I need advice because I’m about to lose it and felt this was the only place where a few people would possibly understand how I feel and not accuse me of being irrational.
Some of you know I am staying with my parents temporarily until I can get my house built next spring, the winter gets way too muddy and nasty around here to start building anything. I have been living on my own since I was 18 because I cannot stand rules, authority figures or feeling like I lack my own indepedence. I like to be in control of my life and not have to cater to someone else’s desires to get what I need so I have always tried to be on my own.
Living with my parents again has been really hard on me emotionally and mentally but like I said, I’m not good with authority so living in apartments has resulted in me constantly being kicked out of every place I’ve ever lived. I have no problems paying my bills, I get evicted because I either get a new neighbor with too many kids that constantly keep me up all night then wake me up again at 6:30 a.m. every day with their screaming and loud footsteps.
I’ve also had landlords that insisted on entering my home to snoop without cause or permission, or telling me I can’t have a friend visit more than twice a month without asking for her permission first. Bitch, I ain’t your 13 year old daughter and I pay my rent on time, I don’t have to ask you permission. So you can see why I feel unstable living in rentals because I never know when I’m going to be kicked out again and have to scramble to find a new place in a short amount of time, which is why I am building my own house in the country away from other people with no landlords in control of me.
My daughter lives here with my parents because they adopted her when she was really little. I never wanted any children and tried my damndest to get sterilized when I was 20 because birth control makes me deathly ill and I’m allergic to condoms so I tried to be responsible but the doctors all said no, you’re too young and will regret it when you’re 30 and I ended up pregnant that very same year. I was also a premature baby and had some female problems which kept me from getting pregnant for many years and my doctor finally told me I never would have kids, so I was in shock when I get a new boyfriend and end up pregnant almost right away, who took off when the baby was born and I haven’t seen him since.
But I simply can’t afford a child by myself and am not fit to take care of one because I would literally forget to feed and bathe the child because my ADHD keeps me severely distracted, I can’t even remember to feed myself half of the time. I remain in my own little word and even with 5 different reminders I still forgot what I’m supposed to do and cannot focus. Trust me, if I kept custody of her the CPS would’ve been taking her eventually for some stupid reason that I wouldn’t mean to happen like not going to school enough, she’d be tardy every other day because I sleep so heavily that even an alarm clock cannot wake me up. Or she’d mention black magick at school and accidentally convince the teachers I am a devil worshipper who is sacrificing animals in the house and it’s unsafe for a child.
Anyway, I’ve mentioned before that my parents give my daughter extreme preferential treatment over me and they have raised my daughter as a conformist christian so my daughter literally is a brown nosing goody two shoes that aims to please my mom at all costs. She continually rubs it in my face when she gets something for a holiday that I’ve been wanting for years on end to make me feel unwanted.
She tells on me over everything like I’m her 13 year old big sister that’s picking on her or something “she did this to me” “she won’t let me do that” and so on. That’s bad enough as it is because my mom actually reacts to me like I’m 13 and tries to punish me. My mom wants me to act grown up yet she wants to punish me like a child. My daughter knows that I have a sensory processing disorder and will purposefully make loud and repetative noises in my ear and then follow me around when I move away from her to avoid the noises. She is intentionally trying to upset me and all I say to her is please, you know how badly those noises hurt mommy’s head are you trying to get me to say something so you can tell on me again? And she will run to my mom “granny, my mommy is being hateful to me and yelled at me!”
I never yelled at all so I tell my mom, she’s lying again, I did not yell I asked her politely to stop and she wouldn’t so I asked if she was trying to upset me on purpose and she ran in here and told on me. And my mom never listens to me, instead she yells at me and says don’t you dare call her a liar ever again, she is a sweet little girl and would never lie to anyone, how dare you say that!
I try to pull my mom aside and explain things to her like an adult is supposed to do, she won’t give me the time of day to hear me out. She continually believes my daughter over me and then gets angry at me when I try to explain what really happened and says get out of my face before I get angry and throw you out onto the street. I am trying to be mature but my mom is always insulted when I say my daughter is lying! She acts like I just said something horrible instead. I have tried every month this year to talk to my mom alone. I know she doesn’t believe my daughter would do anything wrong because she goes to church and gets straight A’s but she enjoys getting me yelled at because she has no siblings and nothing to do most of the time so she tries to occupy herself at my expense.
The only reason my daughter started acting like that around me is because my mom made it a point over the last few years to tell her “your mommy is a pagan heathen and doesn’t attend church and is a sinner, and I am your mother now.” My mom actually tells everyone she meets that my daughter is hers by birth. I cannot take this anymore and if my opportunity to build a home that I own and can feel secure in is lost, I will hold it against my daughter for eternity because my parents are actually saving to pay for her college and buy her first home which they never did for me, so she’ll never know what’s it like to struggle to get ahead.
I cannot save for a place of my own while paying rent, bills and groceries, that’s the whole reason my dad invited me back here so I could save up in 12-16 months instead of 16 years which is how long it would take me if I was paying $800 in bills every month.
I normally don’t let anyone treat me this way, trust me I have beat the shit out of other people for just trying to but I am dealing with it because it will benefit me in the end. It’s much better than resorting to selling drugs or becoming a dirty prostitute to earn the money. But my dignity has been lost in the process and I am about to snap violently if I don’t find a magickal way to cope with this. Sometimes you have to take one for your own team to ensure a brighter future for yourself. I hate having my dignity and pride damaged like this but it’s for my future livelihood which anyone else would do too if they had no other choice.
I’ve been completley homeless before and trust me, you may not have rent or bills to pay but you can’t save a dime when you’re homeless when you have to eat expensive fast food every day because you don’t have a home with a stove. Even 99 cent items can blow your entire income very quickly and homeless shelters in my area only let you stay there for so many days in a row before you have to rent a hotel room or sleep under a bridge. My dignity can easily be restored once I’m set for the future and out of this house but I am starting to resent that I ever allowed my daughter to be born, she is literally ruining my life and no parent should ever feel that way about their biological child so you know this is really bad and is taking a major toll on me mentally.
I don’t wanna seem like a psycho which is why I asked for help, but my psychiatrist barely speaks english and won’t give me back the meds that actually help me control my emotions but she is the only doctor my insurance will cover right now. So can someone please suggest what to do. I already have my familiars pulling strings left and right and influencing my mom every time she is ready to kick me out but this can only go on for so long. How can I make my daughter grow up a little and realize how her actions are going to hurt me if I end up homeless because of her? And get my parents to finally realize that my daughter is being a manipulative brat behind their backs and stop favoring my daughter long enough to actually listen to me? The few times my parents have caught her treating me this way, they just dismiss it as pre-teen female hormones as their excuse for not punishing her.
I can handle this on my own, but the way I’m feeling right now I will do something irrational and hurt several people in the process so I am asking for alternative solutions before I end up doing something stupid that can’t be undone.