I killed my alter ego last night


#1

I fought MYSELF in a dream last night. The darker part of me at least…

Lately it feels like all I’ve been doing is losing. I’m sure some of you know the feeling, it can be pretty overwhelming and it can make you feel some shit that you’d NEVER feel under any other circumstances.

Anger, envy, hate. All results of it.

The same thing happened in this dream that happened in the one where I was fighting the guys that came to my house looking for me.

Except it was different.

I was turning on my friends and family.

Rather than letting the whole werewolf thing happen, I slowed my heart rate (thank you very much who ever gave me the eyeball trick lol). When I did that, I left my body in the dream. Only I wasn’t just a spirit, I was a whole physical being.

There were 2 of me.

The other me was completely overwhelmed by the emotions I listed. I could what he felt. Anger, hatred, loneliness, envy…

It made him stronger than me.

He didn’t stop. Even though I slowed my heart rate, he kept getting angrier. Just kept going at my friends and family until I put myself between them.

Bottom line, he beat the shit out of me. Like beyond humanly possible.

Picked me up over his head and threw me, with ease. Threw me through walls like they were made of paper. Slammed me against the pavement hard enough to crack it.

He was winning.

I tried everything. Well, everything that was there for me to try.

I stabbed him, he just pulled the knife out and shrugged it off, then began to heal on the spot.

The whole time he kept saying “This is my game. You think you can beat me at MY game?”.

Then came the voice. It wasn’t the voice of anyone specific, but it was female. All it said was “Look inside yourself and find the strength.”

So I closed my eyes, cleared my head, slowed my heart rate… The memories came flooding back. It was literally as though my memories were trapped somewhere inside me, and they broke free. Like a dam bursting.

Everything.

I remembered the time when I was about 6 years old. After my dad left, he came back. Only for a short time, but he came back. He took me to see all the members of his family that I hadn’t seen since he left. He took me out to eat, bought me toys. I remember. We didn’t really do anything, just hung out. We drove around all through the night lol. We were out till like 4 in the morning. I remember him taking me through the 24 hour drivethrough at like 1 in the morning. Back then it was so cool. Yet so simple. We didn’t do anything special, yet I was SO happy. Just to be spending time with my dad like that.

Then I remembered the time I came back from out west. After 3 weeks of being away from my girlfriend I was so happy to be back. I didn’t tell her I was coming home early, I was supposed to be gone another week. Instead I walked to her house carrying the 5 or 6 bags of clothes that I bought her (i’m an over-gifter lol). I called her from the foot of her driveway. When she answered I asked her where she was in the house, and she was in the living room. So I told her to look out the window. When she did she screamed, dropped the phone, and ran out to me barefoot. She was crying, that’s how happy she was to see me. I remember the kiss like it was yesterday. It was one of the best kisses of my entire life.

I remembered everything that I had somehow suppressed.

All of these memories came crashing back in. And suddenly, the anger was replaced by an overwhelming feeling of happiness and nostalgia.

I got back up off the ground. As beaten as I was. And I looked myself in the eye and said “This might be your game, but this is my mind. I write the rules, not you.”

This look of sheer terror took over my face. Well, the other me.

I made something happen. Me, not the other me lol. This steak (like a wooden steak, not the kind of meat) materialized in my hand. It was silver, and it had an engraved pattern all over it with the exception of the tip. It was almost floral, like vines.

That wasn’t the only thing though. Actual vines bound him in place. The cement under his feet split, and they came up and bound his feet to the ground.

I stabbed him in the heart.

You’ll never guess what he did next. He keeled over and threw up the same sludge that I did the other day. Then he looked at me, and said “I’m sorry.”

Something happened. I absorbed something from him. Then he just turned grey, and started to crack. Then poof, gone. Reduced to powder on the ground.


#2

Interesting. You kind of seemed like there were two different aspects of your desires when you posted here, one who wants to do well and flourish, one that just gets off on fucking your own life up and boasting about it.

I hope this works out for you and that the non-idiot :stuck_out_tongue: version wins out.


#3

[quote=“Lady Eva, post:2, topic:2913”]Interesting. You kind of seemed like there were two different aspects of your desires when you posted here, one who wants to do well and flourish, one that just gets off on fucking your own life up and boasting about it.

I hope this works out for you and that the non-idiot :stuck_out_tongue: version wins out.[/quote]I’m pretty sure I won…

The self destructive, hateful, jealous person that I’ve been for the past few years isn’t ME.


#4

No, I didn’t think it was all you were capable of either, which is why I’ve been willing to give you so much time! lol

You can do better - this is part of the healing process to reach your own power, shucking off the old limited self-spiting crap that was holding you back. I really have hopes you can make a good life for yourself.