I Desperately Need Advice Guys- Having a bit of a Breakdown

Guys I need some advice please. I am currently experiencing what can only be described as a dilemma of the highest order. It is making me question absolutely all of my goals and my entire career as a magician. I am currently stuck- unable to move. This anxiety is effecting absolutely everything- I am literally just pacing up and down my flat, still in my pajamas, feeling utterly lost and confused.

It all began as a paranoid thought, which has completely spiraled out of control and is now a full on crisis in my mind.

As some of you may know- I have been quite obsessed with the whole definition of the left-hand path lately, especially the modern definition of Stephen Flowers. I was unable to grasp it for the longest time. I have now, finally comprehended it. I have spent the last few days, reading and rereading and meditating on various discussions on this board, and I have had a sort of revelation. I finally get it! But I feel fucking terrified. I finally understand, in a very direct way, All = Nothing = Source. Finally I understand what people like Lady Eva means when they say things like:

‘Both paths [RHP and LHP] tread similar ground, especially as the magician approaches and attains self-realisation (that he is both the All, and yet that there is No Thing) - it's at this point that the choice is made, to strengthen the ego and become an individuated God of your own creation, or to slip back, devoid of noticeable egoic desire and will, into the No Thing.

I believe I have reached this point of ‘self-realisation’, but my problem is- and this is what is causing me this incredible anxiety- I want both. I have always wanted both. I want to live, to desire, to create- I want to strengthen my ego and become ‘godlike’ in this lifetime. But yet, I also, want eventually, when all goals have been achieved and a sort of ego burn out attained, to drift out of existence. Unlike so many people on this forum, I personally do not want immortality, on this plane or some other. I want to live, very much so, but I also eventually want death- a true death- total dissolution back to source- to nothing- to non-existence. I always wanted this, eventually. I simply do not want to live forever, or indefinitely.

The BIG question that I am currently struggling with is:

Can I fully embrace the left-hand path, and yet still one day easily ‘change paths’ so to speak. If I live my life to the absolute fullest, embracing my own ‘godhood’, knowing that all=nothing and that therefore all is possible- what would I do when one day, perhaps still within this lifetime, or more likely in some future incarnation, I decide I’ve had enough- I want out- to reunite with source, to become nothing? I believe that since we all have free will- there is nothing stopping us changing paths? Or is there some mechanism by which, due to walking the path of individuation, even just for a short while- I would then struggle to take the path of union?

Is there anyone who can help me with this question? I honestly believe that my very future as a black magician hinges on this question.

The thought of abandoning all magical practice- it scares the hell out of me. This goes against absolutely everything that I want, currently. I want to live, to become. But yet the thought of not being able to achieve the state of ‘non-existence- when I deem myself ready, that scares me just as fucking much! Hence the current dilemma. Arrrhhhh!

I know that lady Eva once embraced the RHP wholeheartedly, and yet she changed paths, right on the very verge of achieving her goal. So, the evidence would seem to suggest that it is entirely possible to change paths, and there be no negative consequences.

I fear this question may actually finally tip me over the edge into madness. Please guys, any help on this would be MASSIVELY appreciated!

I think that it is entirely possible to do whatever you feel is right for you. If it means walking a path (or paths simultaneously), you can do so. It is only when the paths seem to clash in your mind do you have issues…so perhaps look into what you truly believe and why. Give yourself permission to fully commit to wherever you are at in the moment, and give yourself permission to change later if it suits you. This is your process, your journey, your ascent. Don’t worry about the seeming differences. As long as you can reconcile the parts that matter to you in your life from each path or learning, then you are doing what is right for you.

While it is cool to listen to other writers and folks from various paths, know this: YOU get to define it, as well as yourself. Therein lies the beauty, and also the tragedy. Give yourself permission to change definitions even. Be who and what you are now… and when you get to a point later, you will know what you need.

Here is the deal there is no true RHP unification in the way people attempt to conceive of it. Even if you totally reunited with the source there would still be the memory of who and what you are and have been, existing in the Akashic records AKA the quantum information matrix.

So when people like Lady Eva or myself were RHP and then became LHP it is because we have come full circle and seen the final truth that no matter what your individuality is inevitable it’s just RHP chooses to ignore it because it releases you from accountability, and thats a good feeling to have, they don’t realize it but they accept it because it feels good and sometimes we choose systems of thought based on our emotion instead of reason.

What you really need to ask yourself is "what am I running away from and what am I running to? Either way, it’s only yourself.

From my experience I don’t think you can perminantly obliterate your existence even by merging with the source. Sooner or later the pattern recognized as your conciousness would resurface and you’d have to start over again from day one going through who knows how many lives til you can self actualize again. That sounds like kind of a pain in the butt to me, so if I ever did do some sort of reset I wouldn’t choose to completely white out my existence but to set it back maybe to an earlier point, but not so early that I’m so powerless that reality can just take a dump on me whenever it wants like I see happen to so many people that aren’t as far along, thats an aspect of existence I don’t ever care to repeat.

Just speaking from a purely theoretical stand point an autonomous being who has transcended and survived death should have no problem self terminating, and also not care a shred if that desicion adhered to anyone elses opinion of what is “LHP”.

I will say this again. I think it didnt sink in.

There is no LHP vs RHP…rather that is how one perceives things from the Dualistic perspective without realizing how everything is connected as one. I will give you an example.

Most people cannot concieve that the Finite is the same and connected to Infinity. Infinity = Source, while Finite = Form within this physical world. Source = pure information. So an example would be most people cannot begin to imagine that Crystalline Fractals (Infinitely repeating Structures) can somehow be related to Information. When you “limit” (LHP…in Kabbalah of the Tzim Tzum as referrence this the “Contraction” of a field while you do have an expansion) the repeating Fractal you get form. Further example: you look into a Grimoire… It has a Symbol (symbols are what capture Fractal nature, one doesnt in fact need to do anything fancy as our unconscious naturally does this), HOWEVER…under such a symbol in a grimoire such as Bune… You would have a description of how Daemon manifests…what offerings they require and what they can do for you… If it is a special grimoire or a private one, there would be further information on persons experiences with Bune giving more detaildd information.

Thus, the relationship between a Fractal and Information is Association between the Unconscious Data in ones head that shows up as abstract fractals/Dreams and symbols. In daily life this Abstract Unconscious Process (RHP, information Source) somehow manifests into specific Conscious Thoughts/Emotions/Actions (LHP…Finite Form).

Basically what I am saying is that the “Content Pattern” of your unconscious is what defines your type of daily Actions. The same thing then goes for any magickal vibration of manifestation you put out. RHP or going back to source is only useful for saying “Ok…so this is the type of information that is within my Unconscious Pool of Water which is the Lake Pool of brain fluids and their energetic memory imprints held within my head and brain” (Laguz). Once you havr established that fact… Then you change the information to what you want…you changed it…Now, you represent (if you made a true change and are not simply repeating ones self under a different brand name) a different Dymbolic Archetype which when energizing yourself you will perform things differently…emmit a different magickal vibration in your Aura. In Quantum Mechanics thisbis called collapsing yourself into a new Position within the Global Matrix. At this Point all your information at the lowest levels of Your Source (fyi notice I said Source starts up in your head but your body is mostly water) will start to become what I call MacroCosmic Manifestations…this is the LHP “materialistic aspect.” This is what it means when you invert a cross in Satanism. You are basically taking all information up in that Noggin, energizing it…and then compressing it in a Gravity Well to become dense manifestation in Earth. Other terms are Heavens Earth, or even Kether spilling down and being seen in Malkuth (Kabbalah). An athiests perspectice is the process of How Information is converted to Emotions (energy) which further convert to actions, then Events with a number of harvests so one has something to show for ones Efforts.

Basically the relationship betwern RHP and LHP is a Bridge for the process of Manifestation. If you dwell on RHP, you become lost in a world of fantasy and dreams. If you get lost in the LHP, then you become a Slave (this is the true hell christians warn about, but they just dont k ow what their talking about) to only what you know…whether it is repeating actions or being stuck in some spiritual dimension if you die (whatever you decide to believe). You understand both so you can Transform into and whatever you want so you can bring the Material World results you want. Everything has a unique Process of Manifestation…

Do you see what Im saying? The normal understanding of LHP can blinde you, however it doesnt have to be like that. When one has their sight set on the Heavens one sees ones Future in the Stars reflecting like a Watery Dream Mirror of how it will manifest on physical space on Earth.

So one can worry about all that Reincarnation, karma and Past lives…or one can simply do a Serial Reincarnation (this isnt just philosophy) where you do a complete Ego/energetic death of Self…you then Re-Imprint your Nervous System/Mind with a New Pattern and then manifest a new life. One can do this repeatedly…hence the “Serial Reincarnation” aka Shapeshifting. In order to do this one must do meditation and reflect on what is truly important, form a goal, etc. If you proceed with just doing magickal spells without any Forethought then that is when you are truly condemned as you just repeat a pattern.

Thank you all so much for your replies, I really appreciate it so much!

I’m going to reply in a bit- I’m just so bloody unstable right now it’s ridiculous. Trying to calm down and sort my thoughts out.

i was in your shoes around this time last year. you have to make a clear and present decision to persevere. there is no other way to being a god. you have to earn it and its gonna hurt sometimes, weather physical or mental, it really does cause pain. the path of the magician isn’t easy, it it were everybody would do it.

people need to view the paths of light and dark as elemental forces and not some idealistic moral argument. light and dark are the two points at the tips of the pentagram ,both upward and downward respectably, they are the elemental gateways to the divine source. and when you combine the two in the master planetary symbol they’re both connected so it makes no difference.

[quote=“Biosynth, post:6, topic:7109”]

I will say this again. I think it didnt sink in.

There is no LHP vs RHP…rather that is how one perceives things from the Dualistic perspective without realizing how everything is connected as one. I will give you an example.

Most people cannot concieve that the Finite is the same and connected to Infinity. Infinity = Source, while Finite = Form within this physical world. Source = pure information. [/quote]

Based on what I’ve been told, the short answer is YES - and you won’t leave traces in the Akashic, unless you wish to (cue the “like tears in rain” speech from Bladerunner) because at the point you merge with Source, you BECOME the All, the No Thing, so you can trace, or not trace, exactly what you damned well like.

I agree to some extent with what Biosynth is saying but once you’ve realised the No Thing status of reality, then you see the LHP as the farthest expansion outwards from the Null/Unified state, so it does become valid to talk, again, about them as seperate destinations, at least for a period of time.

And time doesn’t exist either, but I’m not opening THAT can of worms tonight! :smiley:

All just my experience etc., but I’ve been there even to the walking up and down all day in my jammies trying to figure things out, and eventually it should all fall into place in a lot more fun and empowering way than all the philosophising and chest-beating makes it sound. :slight_smile:

My OCD loves that answer, lol. Thank you, Lady Eva! :slight_smile:

Thanks so much to everyone who has responded- its really helping. I am reading through all your posts and trying to take it all in. I will respond once the crazy has toned down a bit :wink:

The funny part is that even No Thing is something. God as the highest can only be known by analogy, and thus inefable is the best term to describe it, but its still something (unexplainable, beyond words, etc).

Now consider that if God is the highest and infinite, its either always one step above everything else, or its not truly an infinite being, but finite actually. If God is finite, it is actually a reacheable state of being. If its an infinite being, then only the mechanisms it employs to be so can be reached. This may sound unimportant, but there is some philosophical difference in one or the other. And if you can merge both concepts, you get a third perspective on the matter.

You can also consider that God reunites all the qualities possible in this reality. When it comes down to matter, those qualities once united becomes separate in groups of affinity. Then those groups are reunited and opposed to each other and balanced out by the force of consciousness, and are expressed through action in this plane.

Now, what if you can bring those groups of qualities to union once again, but in this physical plane this time? What are the necessary requisites to do so? What does God posses that allows it to be in such state? Force is the first characteristic of God, which is reflected in His will. Harmony is the second, which we experience as love and beauty. The third is the proper medium for manifestation, the substance. By those three virtues is alchemy accomplished and all things are made. One is both the cause and consequence of the other two, and all dependent upon the others.

In due proportion, applying the subtler upon the grosser, you cause sublimation. Grosser upon the subtler causes fixation. By altering the proportion the attunement of the substance is altered. A new attunement means a new group of qualities expressed in a specific plane. All you have to do is to attune things down to the physical, and then you accomplish the formula of the Christos, the Living God.

As a side note, in my personal path, I AM both severity and mercy, I AM both right and left hand, I AM both God and Satan, and everything in accordance to my Understand and Will. All this expressed in Action, in the plane I live, I die and I rebirth constantly. I AM several. I AM noone. I bow down to Nature, and I master IT. Lol!

Excellent Post. Fixation is however Key…not by itself…but rather in seeing it rather as the force empowering every Alchemical Process. The concept of God is a bit too Far Reaching…but only because it is OK to grasp tje bigger picture…but one must be able to follow a true step by step plan to manifestation with an extreme Fixation…otherwise by trying to do it all at Once one lends ones efforts wasted to Chaos…HENCE…Fixation actually keeps ones entirety of an Ordered Form amidst all Chaos.

I would say that Evolution is probably a more realistic word that Bridges Infinity and Form, because one can experience a peice of Infinity Source (experiencing a Peice is in fact a FIXATION) while living out ones life experiencing more and more. It is impossible I think to experience it all…not nust in this lifetime but other lifetimes as well…thats part of the fascination of Immortality of course.

Well, I made it through the night without ending up in the looney bin- so that’s a plus lol :wink:

Thank you for all you replies on this- I love you guys! Some of you have provided some very deep insights (looking at you Biosynth ;), and I must admit its going over my head slightly at the moment (maybe Im just a dumbass lol), but trust me I value you opinions and am trying to understand what you guys are saying.

I think for the moment though- to stop my mind from imploding- I need to try to take things step by step, and the first step would be to resolve this problem according to my current way of thinking (even it it is flawed). That way I can push through this anxiety and continue my magical practice without guilt or worry that my current goal is going to affect my ultimate goal- if that makes sense?

Basically, I currently view the whole LHP/RHP dichotomy like this:

I am currently at this point of realising the NO THING status of reality so to speak. This is what I meant by having a massive revelation- I don’t just understand in some hazy theoretical way that all=nothing and all=source, I really ‘get it now’. If I wasn’t being so goddam paranoid this would be a really big break through for me. So yes, I understand now how the attainment of isolate consciousness is the ‘farthest expansion outwards from the unified source’- this makes perfect sense to me now!

I’m currently visualising this as a straight line, where point A (on the right side lol) is the unified point, point (B somewhere in the middle) is the consciousness of your average person, and then point C (on the left) is isolate consciousness/apotheosis/theogenesis whatever you want to call it. Sometheing like this: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:ABC_Line_1.svg
(Yeah point A and C are swapped over on that illustration, but you’ll see what I mean.)

So for people like us, we are traveling towards point C- the point of ‘godhood’, which is the farthest point from point A, union. The closer we get to point C the farther we get from point a, or the closer we get to individual godhood the farther we get from union. So i understand what Eva meant when she said these are two different destinations so to speak. Now for most people on this forum- this fact doesn’t matter. Since these paths are both equally valid- one is not more right or wrong than the other. It seems most people when they reach that destination, point C, are quite content to remain there indefinitly.

Someone like me on the other hand- well I want to get to point C (or near to it anyway), BUT then I want, eventually to return to point A- right on the opposite end. It seems from the replies above, and logic would dictate, that it is entirely possible to simply return to point A, to backtrack so to speak. Yet I wonder how this would work, in practical terms. I guess the journey would be longer, more painful than were I simply starting from point B (somewhere in the middle)- as it would involve not only shunning the ‘normal’ human desires and so on, but also letting go of, in fact actively renouncing my own godhood and ‘godlike’ powers.

Or, alternatively, perhaps if I reach a stage of ‘ego burnout’ so to speak- it would perhaps make it easier to return to union? If all desires have been exhausted, life truly lived to the fullest, it would perhaps make it easier to sink back into the nothingness?

Or yet another alternative, perhaps like Cogitation has suggested, a being who has attained godhood should surely have it in their power to choose to self-terminate- so perhaps making this the easiest route?

What a total mindfuck!

At some point we all die anyway. I think it should be more about choosing hownyou want to live. The reason I presented my understanding in such a way is that it is all about getting practical and down to business…like writing a business or action plan. First you figure out what it is you actually want (no matter your conditioning or where you came from). Then you go to Source, analyze information…rethink what you actually want (this actually takes alot of time! THINKING is actually real serious business!)…then proceed to demolish or ReStructure to fit your desire and follow through with manifestation. It was like someone else said on the forum abojt E.A. starting from a point of Divination. Basically the idea is you do not build on a corrupt foundation. Keep in mind this doesnt necessarily mean go fire and brimstone as one can Transform existing atructures…the Lake of Fire destruction is only one Aspect of an Alchemical process of Transformation.

Heres a simpler way of looking at it from the Tree of Life perspective. Basically on the tree you have left and right sides of the Tree…Left has ones like Geburah…this is basically LHP territory…Right side has ones like Chokmah…this isnthe Religious Fools path. When you realize they combine to play into each other you then have a Straight Line from Kether, Daath, Tifareth, Yesod, Malkuth. A little more on this:

Kether and Daath are synonymous…Daath is information and so is everywhere as each part of the Tree represents different aspects. Kether is Source Energy…so Daath and Kether are synonymous. Tiferath is Beauty…so this means its your Realization of what you Desire in your Life and so comes from your Heart where it makes you feel good. Yesod is thr beginningnof the Spiritual Birth…it is mixing your desire as an Informational Thought Construct (your plan) with sexual/life force energy. Hence the reason Yesod is also called Gods Penis (the tree of lifenis actually also a physical body roadmap) is because it is using the concept of Divinity being born into this world with Lifeforce…sexual reproduction=manifestation of material desires…this leads one directly into Malkuth which is basically the World of Forms of ones creations.

So when you throw all the ideas of Left and Right out the Window and just simple walk the middle true path of Beautifying (perfecting) your desires from the Source Foundation level…then it is a Straight Line from your Mind Spirit (Kether) all the way to the Physical World (Malkuth). Then at some point in life we all reach death…so then onr goes from Malkuth back to Kether. You dont actually need to practice any religious ritual to do all this as you are already naturally living and dying (slow rate of decay) anyway. Most people when they hitnthisnrealization and it seems through trauma like an NDE do they start realizing it doesnt matter andnsonthey just…Start just Living =). But like I said…mmthe knowledge and understanding of the process should be about perfecting your way of wanting to Live.

Why do you think you necessarily have to part with union in order to achieve Godhood?

It’s the total dissolution of individuation - of the limits and dualities caused by having likes and dislikes, emotion, reaction, judgement and all qualities (male, female, human, alive) that have to go to attain complete Merger, technically we always have Union since we’re of and within Source at all times, but we don’t have to be like a cupful of water that’s desperate to dissolve the cup and rejoin the ocean, formlessly…

That’s been my experience with this so far, and is echoed in the “Neti, neti” meditation:

Neti neti, meaning, "Not this, not this", is the method of Vedic analysis of negation. It is a keynote of Vedic inquiry. With its aid the Jnani negates identification with all things of this world which is not the Atman, in this way he negates the Anatman. Through this gradual process he negates the mind and transcends all worldly experiences that are negated till nothing remains but the Self. He attains union with the Absolute by denying the body, name, form, intellect, senses and all limiting adjuncts and discovers what remains, the true "I" alone.

L.C.Beckett in his book, Neti Neti, explains that this expression is an expression of something inexpressible, it expresses the ‘suchness’ (the essence) of that which it refers to when ‘no other definition applies to it’. Neti neti negates all descriptions about the Ultimate Reality but not the Reality itself.

Inuitive interpretation of uncertainty principle can be expressed by “Neti neti” that annihilates ego and the world as non-self (Anatman), it annihilates our sense of self altogether.

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neti_neti

To be Merged without any individuation won’t permit you to also be a “god” (or palm tree, or mouse, or helicopter) since to BE those things is to NOT BE something else, and to be merged with the All is to be without limitation or defining qualities that exist to say you are one thing, and therefore are not another.

A lot of people get into yoga thinking they can go a little way towards merger, but still remain a mum, a wife or whatever, and are horrified when renouncing attachment to limiting qualities/self-definitions makes the world renounce them back even harder, so this is quite a serious distinction to make, and one taught by any sincere guru - but alas, widely misundertood in the west.

^^ Pretty much this. Lady’s Eva’s post sums up exactly how I have come to view it. Its taken me a while but I finally grasp it. And what’s why godhood would be the farthest from source, in the way that it is a state of extreme individuation.

Lady Eva, with reference to the whole point A to C thing that I spoke about above- how would you view the process of ‘backtracking’? Would you agree that it would involve a hell of a lot more ‘detachment’ or whatever the correct phrase is? As in renouncing not just the normal stuff you posted above- likes, dislikes, emotions etc- but also the very essence of your godhood? Based on your experiences with this stuff- do you reckon it would be a longer/more difficult process, compared to going from point B (normal human consciousness)?

Isnt the dissolution thing the means by which union is achieved? God isnt dissolution, but it causes dissolution in our current state of being.

By sublimating what limits God’s manifestation in us and in our flesh, we allow it to express at least some of its qualities through our flesh. The more limits we sublimate, the more our flesh becomes like It. A better body can better express the qualities of the spirit. The secret of this path would be thus to make matter fit to the spirit, not to deny matter in order to reach out to God, although that might be temporarily necessary so we might know God in order to operate it (in the sense of estabilishing domain over it, or at least over a portion of it).

Enochian magic for instance deals much with the alchemy of matter, and one of the goals of those spirits is to indeed accomplish this feat, but thats a separate discussion.

This is all just my opinion. Take it for what it is.

I feel that you fear a state of existence in which there is “nothing left to do”, per se, where your path reaches its ultimate terminus, and when that time comes, its important to still be able to go forward, so to speak, into a final state of completion rather than being stuck in a dead end forever.

Consider this, though.

Non-existence doesnt exist. As in, the state of being non-extant has no concrete basis; its purely an abstract concept, and exists only as such.

If it did actually exist as a state, then two things would be true about it:

1: It would be impossible to know of in any form. All states (or “no-state” in this case) need some kind of extant form that can be touched upon, even abstractly, to know about. If this state of “true” nothingness was actually an objective state, it would be unknowable even as an abstract concept.

2: It would be impermanent. Assuming the idea that you came from this unknowable state, means that its not a permanent state because it once changed; you once were not, and now you are.

2.1: Its logical to assume if a state is changeable once, it is changeable an indefinite number of times between its various forms. How many times can you change an ice cube into a volume of steam, and then back into a cube? Theres no limit (discounting entropy, which is not relevant to this analogy).

So what does this really mean, practically?

It means that the dichotomy of extant/not extant is either completely useless (as in, impossible) to think about because one of those states is incomprehensible even in theoretical fashion, or, that the premise of the idea, that there are two states to begin with, is faulty and is leading to irrational concepts that cannot logically, pardon the pun, “exist”, in any real sense.

If the former is true, and non-existence exists, theres nothing you can do. This is a philosophical and logical dead end, because continuing forward requires unknowable information. If the former is true, we are all stuck in an inescapable permanent repeating loop of nonsense, and are incapable of understanding that fact except in a faint abstract way.

If the latter is true, then that changes everything. If the entire premise of this existential crisis is baseless, and there is no dichotomy to ponder upon, then there is only one true state, and you are in that true state right now, have always been, and always will be.

You are experiencing that true state right now. The state of your consciousness “existing” is that state. I typically say when talking about this thing in particular, that you already do not exist, because existence is an attribute of an object. But you are not an object. As you have already come to the realization of, you are already “no thing” at all (since everything = nothing and you are “a part” of everything, you are also “a part” of nothing). In a sense, you are beyond existence/non-existence, or in another sense, you are existence itself; it is not an attribute that defines you, but YOU that defines everything else.

You are ALREADY in this state. There is nothing (pun not intended) to change into… you are already there.

I think you are worried about something that may have arisen from flawed logic (no offense intended). If everything is nothing, all = nothing, then there is no OTHER thing to change into… its already all here. You are already IT, whatever IT is.

I think your entire conundrum boils down to this simple and single line:

You are worried that you will be unable to change into what you already are.