I know this isn’t the exact right place to go, or maybe it is, I don’t know, I just wanted advice from my fellow occultists on this.
My partner and I are taking time apart. We’d be together 4 years in June. I’ve never loved someone as much as I love this man, and when he told me he wanted to break up with me, my heart fell out of my chest.
We moved to LA last year together from the east coast, and I thought this would be great for us. He had just graduated college, got a good job, and asked me to come along. And I did. But during this time, we became too dependent on each other. He felt that I relied too much on him, and he too much on me. He wanted to gain independence. He wanted to learn to take care of himself on his own. In a way, I sort of felt the same way, but figured we’d be able to work it out together.
After two days of talking before my flight, we decided to not give up on each other and our relationship. We couldn’t. We have a soulmate connection (I’m heavily into astrology). We promised each other we’d get through this. This is hard for the both of us. However, I’m hurting more than he is.
And when we went to LAX, he told me he feels like he’s making a mistake, but I told him maybe, but we will figure this out. He tried to get a gate pass, but we didn’t know you needed to be a minor in order to get one. He told me he’d stay until the plane took off, and he did. And while I was in line for security, he was messaging me the whole time about how he will become the person I need, and while I was moving in the line, he would get up and move with me on the first floor so I could see him from the second floor.
So to give him space, I left LA and came back to the East Coast to give each other the space we needed. Before I left, we had sex while I was menstruating, and I set my intentions. I’ve been back since Monday, (it only being Thursday), and I have been hurting like I’ve never hurt before. We told each other we would make this work no matter what, and that we’d see each other again in December to work things out.
Last night, my heart was so heavy, I summoned Sollas. I asked him to help me, to make him have dreams of me, to make him realize that he’s made a mistake, that he needs me in his life more than he could ever imagine. And while doing this, I was outside, and I saw the biggest moth I have ever seen in my life on the chair besides me. I opened his sigil, chanted his enn, and set my intentions. I also wrote a note for him, I do it for all that I summon. The energy that washed over me while I was summoning was unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. My body felt limp, I felt like I was being lifted out of the chair I was in. I looked over and the moth was still there, and I asked in my mind if that was you, and he said yes. I then finished up, and came back inside.
Afterwards, I spoke to my partner, and I told him I can’t talk to you everyday. It’s making me crazy. I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop hurting, I can’t stop wondering what he’s doing, etc. He said okay, if that was what was best for me. We agreed to speak this Saturday coming up. Ever since we last talked, he has been inactive on all social media from what I can see.
My mom and I deiced to go into town, and when I got back, the moth from last night was on the front porch. I told my mom about what I did and what happened, and she said that the moth is watching over me. Then a couple hours goes by, the moth is still there, and my mom starts to think it may be dead. So she tries to check, but it won’t budge. It still stays in the same place it has been all day.
With my heart still heavy, I summon Sollas one more time, asking for some comfort. I ask for reassurance, and I feel him tell me with time, he will feel the same pain I feel. He tells me things will work out, I just need to trust him. I tell him I trust him, but my heartaches. I feel him tell me two months. Two months. Two months. I ask to see him in my dreams, and he says he will try. I then leave the room I was in, and look out the window near the porch, and see the moth, almost like it was looking into the window at me, and then it fluttered away.
I’m sorry for the length, and I’m sorry for no real question or any kind of substance. I’m just so heartbroken. Again, I know this will work, and I know I need to trust Sollas, but in the meantime, I am miserable. I’ve been taking Xanax to calm me down during the evenings, but it just isn’t working anymore. My partner and I were still saying I love you and such before I asked to stop talking for a couple of days. So I guess that’s a good sign. I just never thought this would ever happen to me, to our relationship, etc.
I just need advice for in the meantime, everyone, what should I do to keep myself busy while Sollas does his work?