How to understand which deity is closer to me?

I tried to work with many gods and demons. But I don’t feel the way mages usually feel about gods. I have more aversion to any spiritual beings. Than awe and a feeling of love. What is it connected with? Maybe I shouldn’t be looking for an entity to guide me? And continue to practice magic on your own? Although I love darkness and work with it, I don’t like dark deities.

Sound like it’s not the right time for you, and who knows if it will ever be. I certainly don’t and have never felt awe or love for so-called deities. But as I just posted in another topic:

I’ll feel peace and love and awe at the top of a mountain with an amazing view and massive energy spiraling around it, but beings are basically other people without bodies… Very skilled people, sure, who have a lot of knowledge and insight that can be very helpful, but the ones worth talking to see you as the same thing and equal, there should be no putting others on pedestals. We all are doing a job that is necessary, we are all bits of the universe learning about itself, yearning to evolve, and at different stages of evolution, there’s no hierarchy.

I think, while getting advice is great, in the end the only one who can do your inner work is you. It can really backfire to get too much help, it weakens you in the end. It’s fine and even advisable to do your skill building on your own… unless, it’s with other humans working on the same together.

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Maybe you’re right, I’m a little disappointed in them. It is unpleasant for me that when I needed them at certain points in my life, I did not get what I wanted. Maybe because of this, I’m not very eager to work with someone. Although I tried a couple of times to change it in myself, without success. It is enough for me that I am.