The coolest thing happened to me today. I was busy at work, doing the same old thing I do in and day out, forcing my mind as I have always done, to accept the bottom rung on the ladder of life, to accept that I will die a simple underpaid overworked, public servant with no real future or measure of success. The more I thought about it thought the more I realized that no I would not accept it, no I would not, could not just take the bits and pieces of whatever life throws me to live on and look upon the world with gratitude for it. I realized that when I refuse to gladly accept the scraps the world tosses me,and I myself demand more of me and then finally of my own reality itself, it will have to be that I am suddenly getting more than scarps. “Understand that you are powerless and reality will happily agree with you,” ran through my mind clear as anything. All of a sudden, out of nowhere really I wanted not only to find the career and financial success that had first triggered this line of thinking, but I wanted to command reality itself to bend and shape itself to my will simply because well I said so and I know what I want in my own personal reality. I realized how I had walked away from life dreams, because someone else might have been better at it than I could have ever been, how I had FORCED myself to like an admittedly dead end life, because well some kind of life is better than no life at all, and at least I get to exist, right - because that’s what “people like me” become. How much I had forgotten ever wanting because the world said not to want things I couldn’t have, never to dream too big, never aim too high, so I would never fall too far when I slipped. I understood that I had made myself small, cute and laughable, because someone, well a whole pile of someones, once said I had no choice to be big, to be great.
This is, I understand now, what the left hand path is truly about, at least on some level. At least for me personally. Sure a better life and a search of knowledge is more than useful and practical, and there is far from a thing wrong with that, but for the first time I realized it’s truly about a need to find and feel my own true power as a person on this Earth. I wonder, have other’s here ever felt much of your own inner Gods yet? I want to command life to work my way and to believe, honestly and truly believe, no, not believe but KNOW it well because that’s the only reasonable outcome. But I don’t yet know how to reach that state. How did you? How do you REALLY feel that sense of “I control this life and I said so?”
I could sit all evening and say in my head or out loud “I am a living God,and I can have and do what I want.” But how does one learn to REALLY believe it, to know it and sense it?