We all remember the excitement and fear of our first evocations and invocations. After the first few times we start to become more comfortable. We start getting our routines down and find techniques and tools that speak to us. We find our groove. Maybe we start to think that the pre-ritual jimmies will go away. Someday we will no longer be a “newbie” but an “adept” and seasoned caster who “knows what I’m doing”.
But fear keeps persisting. You get comfortable with one entity but…for some reason… calling on this other one makes you nervous and you can’t explain why. You’ve called on entity A, so why does entity B make you nervous, and why do C and D not create that fear but E and F make you want to piss your pants when they aren’t THAT different from each other. You walk through the lake of fire…but the thought of diving into Mimir’s Well headfirst frightens you.
I experience this. Sometimes I just feel nervous for unexplainable reasons. Makes ZERO sense. So how do I quell the nerves?
I don’t. I don’t fight them. If Lucifer taught me anything it’s never repress your emotions. So when I feel like a child stumbling through the terrifying dark to take a much needed piss at two am before a ritual, I go with it.
I start out the ritual by openly acknowledging the fear. Any entity involved is already going to be aware of it, so why hide it? I set everything up and then whisper out loud; “I don’t know why, but I’m scared. Maybe I’m scared that this will be painful. Maybe I’m scared that it won’t work. Or maybe I’m afraid that I’ll change, and after the change I’ll look back on the me of now and see how weak I was, and know that I still have far to go. I don’t know why I am scared, but I am. What I do know is that the fear will not stop me. It never will. Let us begin” . Something along those lines.
By the time I finish confessing my fears to the powers that be, suddenly…I feel a whole hell of a lot better. It doesn’t necessarily go away, but it is no longer paralyzing. And subsequent “I’m the boss bitch here” confidence emerges as I walk into my circle.
When we fight our internal demons we feed them. When we push emotions down and try to make ourselves just not feel them they push back harder. Fear is no different.
And fear is human. It does not make you weak. It doesn’t mean that you are not as “built for” evocations as others are. And It may never go away. Everyone is different.
What matters is that you don’t let fear keep you from growing. It’s like… finding new love after a heartbreak or moving away for a fresh start. Sure it’s scary, but it’s a fear that we overcome again and again and again. And when we do, we learn new things, discover new places, new strengths to polish and new weaknesses to work on. We grow. Let’s keep growing.
I hope this helps someone.