I just found out that my ex of mine passed away. It was either from AIDS or cancer, I don;t know. I am not afflicted with HIV or AIDS, we were safe.
We had had some bad parting words and the last time I talked to him I said some horrible things to him that no j=human being should ever be told, regardless of the path they follow in life.
The worst part about it is that it happened in January of 2018. 4 weeks after I moved to Oklahoma. I had tried to make amends but to no avail, and its taken until now to find out that he is dead.
In June of 2012, my partner committed suicide by overdose. Is it true that these (or all things) come in three’s? Whats worse yet is that as I told my infamous roommate, all he could do was talk about himself, not even a fucking “I’m sorry for your loss”. This is the second affront he has put to me in recent weeks and though this post is not about him, I certainly have no kind thoughts or words for him. I’ll rip his fucking jaw off his face and shove it up his self-righteous ass! Asshole. (read about the last thing he said in my other posts) He’s also upset that I am into the dark arts- as he play’s with the Tarot (actually, he hasn’t yet, he;s too scared to actually delve into the realm. And admonishment for going all in, total immersion, intothe dark arts which he say;s I don;t understand— is it wrong to ask for baneful punishment to come his way in some sort or mass conjuring by people here, I cannot bring myself to be able to do much of anything right now except write. I’m in shock and this mother fucker can;t even say a kind word. If there is a mass conjuring, let the flood gates open upon him like no other before or again! And, this, I mean from the heart! What’s left if it anyway.
If I can get some coherency here and compose myself here as best i can here to write this,.
hyis name was Dustin W. My new partner;s name is Dennis W. (same last name and first initial)- should I be worried? I honestly do not know what to do here as I am stunned by just finding this out about an hour ago. This is the only place I know that somehow I will find some sort of solace and perhaps inspiration or something… I really dunno what to expect from this post or the immediate future. Like today- its 0201 hrs local (2:01am for you civvies), what am I to do? How can I accept and incorporate this event into my life and my pursuit of ascension?
This may sound a bit odd coming from a guy who just lost his second partner in 6 years, but I do know that in our LHP, even the spirits are considerate, maybe not to the level of some RHPs, but considerate nonetheless!. Then, too, are those that don’t give a shit. Perhaps even joyful that this has happened. Mammon comes to mind, although it is his process to break one down into nothingness so one may be rebuilt.
I’m beside myself here. i feel as though there is some prayer or incantation, something that I can do, but as I consider myself still wet behind the ears. And truthfully, I am. But as I tend to move quickly, I absorb all that I am exposed to. Even if I cannot understand something now, it is filed away for future reference and that will lead me to research.it further as I have a point of reference for recalling the thing in which I did not use at the time
I need a stiff drink!. And, if this turns into a super long post, damn the gods, so be it. I apologize in advance to the moderators and to you the readers if this just goes on forever, but consider this- I have no mentor, no one to talk to as my roommate has so aptly demonstrated, only a Buddhist monk who related to me that ALL the paths LHP or RHP are in existence before, now and forever… so I now think that truly is the pezzonavante on the church that have covered up the truth and their man-made religion. DO I believe that there is a creator> yes. Do I believe that he sent a “son” as a sacrificial lamb, an unblemished lamb to be led to slaughter because he was perfect? Yes. I ALSO believe in St. Peter;'s Cross, which I wear proudly. Not only as a symbol of committment to the LHP I am following, but also, in the tradition of “upon this rock I will build my church” sense of the catechistic dogma I have been force fed for years.
As I said, I need a drink, but as I have none, perhaps the spirits will send me a triple Glenlevit neat. Its possible… Or at least the calming effect it will have on my frayed composure.
I am writing this as i am listening to some “dark” music in the background. A lot of you may say that it might be inappropriate, but fuck that, I say it is. I have said time and again, that I am all in with this and even in sorrow, despair and yes, devastation over the loss of a love of my life. isn;t interesting how that, regardless of the path we choose, love is still just that. I suppose that makes it a universal constant that transcends all. That sounds like a Joel Osteen comment, but in this case, I believe it to be true. I’m hurting folks, and the only way I can express it is here, by writing in this forum.Also, even if you don’t care for him, Elton John’s fantastic song “Funeral for a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding” seems appropriate here too, although I’m not going to play it right now.
As it stands, I am still 100% with the spell I cast on the 16th. I will also cast it again on the 3rd of September, the next full moon. I don;t know if it will strengthen it or improve its efficacy, but I’m going for it regardless, and if I don;t have all the “tools” or “implements” such as candles, incense or whatever, so be it. It is in my intention and my focused energy that will make it as powerful as the last.
Perhaps this is a teaching moment or some sort of cathardic experience I have to move through in order to move on the ziggarut of ascension. ( And folks, if I use words you don;t understand or seem like I’m being lofty with my syntax, please forgive me, its just how I write).
I guess that this entire event was set to play out the way it did in front of me for a reason, and though I could speculate on this fact, I choose not to. I’m not going to over think this anymore than I already am. I need to feel this, I need to move through this pain and experience to grow. now that sounds great as a philosophical statement, but in my inner being, i know that it is true as well. I can only move forward, or rather CHOOSE to move forward rather than dwell on it and fel sorry for myself. Don’t misunderstand me, I am in real pain and bewilderment, but if I am to choose anything at this point, it is to move forward and feel the loss, feel the emptiness. Feel the part of my being that was in love being ripped away and only mixed memories remain- remaining forever within my being to have as a life experience on which to draw on at some point down the road. After all that’s what experience is isn’t it?
I don;t know if I have anything left to post here for the moment, but classic Opto may well add to it as I have done many times before by using the reply button.
I do ask for your thoughts and would appreciate condolences, but as it stands at this moment, constructing this post has been very beneficial, if not healing somewhat, and for that I am not afraid to say that I am grateful.
Thank you for reading all the way through this… all though it would be bad form to actually “ask” for empathy, I know that many of you may have experienced a tragedy similar to mine and just chosen bot to post it as it is too painful or personal. That is 100% OK! In fact, I empathize with you! May the spirits in our path be kind to you and may you awaken to another day with fresh opportunities for growth, sharing and peace.
PS- I still stand firm on the baneful curses some of you may be inclined to impose on my roommate. Of anyone deserving such torment, at this point, he is, let’s say, the most deserving right now, Do what you will, or not. Its your call