To make changes. 
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If youāve read my introduction to the forum you would see that Iāve always had an attraction to Magick but didnāt know where to go to learn. Also in my introduction I wanted sexual gratification, Iāve come to realize that I was purely be selfish and it was the sex only that was on my mind. Donāt get me wrong I still want the sex but now I want to truly learn the ways of the Left hand path. Iām now going about it in a respectful, unselfish manner and wanting to have a true relationship with the Gods and Goddesses.
Curiosity mixed with some kind of nudge from somewhere that i cant explain. I started with psychology but i was curious to find out if theres more to life than this one layer we all live in. Now it has a new meaning and course of action, I greatly enjoy magic and the new things it offers in my life, and it has helped me greatly being a bit more on the dark side 
Ever since I was young, Iāve always been into fantasy, ancient, medieval, and magickal things. Iāve always had an affinity for dark and morbid fantasies, mostly played in my own head. Anything bloody, dark, and sinister always drew me in and captured my interest. Not only was I attracted to the aesthetic of it, but the raw feeling. I deeply identify with and embrace this.
Iāve never been attracted to anything of the light. I donāt connect with it at all.
I had an average childhood, so I wasnāt warped by any negative encounters with humans. I was largely indifferent towards humans. The only explanation I have for the dark identity/inclinations is, it is innate to me.
When Lord Belial approached me in 2012, I knew I was meant for this path. I also discovered that demons seemed to be watching over me since childhood. Their nudges into my intuition when danger or deceit was afoot, steering me out of harms way. All of the ācoincidencesā and experiences I had in the past all made sense. As I discovered more about the demons and doing the workings, I felt something deep in the core of my being: āThis is where I belongā. This blackness, this energyā¦ I was free to fully be myself around the demons. They even seemed to enjoy that āsinisterā part of me that I constantly lock away and keep in check. I acknowledge and embrace this part of myself everyday. The demons approach me as a sort of ārelease valveā sometimes. Where I indulge in my true self.
I dove head first into this path; I connected so deeply with it. Iām a bit reckless when it comes to embracing demons and energy. I purposely run into āmagickal landminesā, take the injury, then either indulge in the pain inflicted upon me or redirect the energy for my use. Pain, inconveniences, and misery are all excellent teachers. It brings a deep understanding and allows you to transform these energies or feelings if you wish to. Even pain has its pleasures and comforts.
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LaVayen satanism ā¦ the marijuana of occultismā¦ the gateway drug to this entire world beneath the physical. Then of course intrigue into Crowley and the reading of a few of his books, book of the law, the book of liesā¦ got scared, thought the books were driving me mad so I disposed of them. Caused me extreme levels of anxiety so I dropped out the game for a solid year, got sober, then started looking into Kabbalah and hermeticsm, just felt right to me, anxiety went away, now looking heavily into evocation and ways I can align my focus on a conscious and a sub conscious levelā¦ this is all over the course of about the last 6 years I would sayā¦ oh how deep the rabbit hole goes!!!
Ya know I canāt really deny how brilliant Crowley was, but I could never really get into him. Heās a brilliant occultist, but he never really just spoke to me.
Very manipulative, earned status with the golden dawn and took secrets. Did that with other organizations as well, then started Thelema, fascinating character to learn about.
Simple, I wanted a girl I couldnāt get. When I failed I stayed with magic but started learning a bit more about how magic can be used in different ways and how you have to actively pursue a goal.
Well, desperation,depression a calling coming from something, someone, somewhere that I just still canāt reach.
One of my wildest dreams is to have all of my senses open to the spiritual ,astral realms, call it as you please, but something deep inside me, tells me it is the path I am āsupposedā to be,
So I am just here, and enjoying the ride, it will maybe destroy my beliefs and crash me somewhereā¦
Who cares ? as long as there is a deeper lesson on it? A lesson that will help me move forward?
Anyway, BALG is a awesome place,
Nothing more to add.
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I got into this because of my social anxiety I have no real friends and I also was lonely and felt somewhat suicidal during my life and I also felt other religions and such did nothing for meā¦ I feel so much more alive and excited when I do occult practices and also I was desperate for love situation to work out still working on that though lol
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