Hello,
I am Dany. I’m 34 and from Alabama. I do not have a magickal name as of yet.
I’ve been totally arm-chairing it and have barely practiced. I dabbled a little bit, but things got a little too real. So I enjoy studying it more. I want to start participating. I think I’m finally ready.
Magick I Like
What interests me are making things tangible and tactile. So sympathetic magick makes sense. I love aspects of folky practices like Hoodoo. I hate being told to do or use things without logical explanations. So magick/philosophies like Theurgy helped explain how correspondences are what they are and how to derive my own through concepts like synthemata. I like Chaos magick because it’s intuitive and creative. Draconian and Lucifarian also have lots of principles and practices that I agree with.
BUT most of all I like magick that helps with spirit communication. You know, petit-bon-ange (little soul dolls), fetishes/spirit dolls, idols, animating statues, opening of the mouth ritual and the mixed mash of stuff Donald Tyson was doing in his book Sexual Alchemy. Essentially I want to make a “god phone”. LOL
Current Struggles
I have an issue with controlling what I see, hear and feel. About 7 years ago, I was smoking weed with my ex husband and our girlfriend. In the throws of sex I had this random feeling like I was having sex with the devil and his demon mistress. Just a random thought and I didn’t think too much of it, but it felt like it. When we finished, we all left to go to the living room for snacks and to watch tv. When my husband left to get something out of the kitchen, I was sitting on the floor talking to the ex gf. All of a sudden an emotion not of my own started to take over. It felt like extreme fear and then it looked like I was sucked into hell. I saw crazy shit.
When I came back to, they were holding me telling me to calm down. I felt like I was having a seizure and my heart was pounding super hard. I thought I was dying and was telling them to take me to the hospital. They seemed to think I was overreacting. After finally calming down, I went to the kitchen to warm up some food. At the microwave I starting thanking the Lord for letting me live. And right when I was about to say in my heart that I give my soul to Jesus ( wanting to be saved bs), a voice and darkness came into the room. It told me to think about it before I made that kind of decision. Then I noticed on the side I was on it was much brighter and a voice started getting angry. It was the voice of the Christian God and he was scary as he commanded me to come to him. So I told them both that I would make my decision after I fully explored my options. I have not been Christian from that day.
Shortly afterwards, I was given some buddhist monk level realization and laughed hysterically at how funny yet simple it was. I can’t for the life of me remember what it was, but I understood it. I was also scaring the shit out of the ex hub and ex gf. As I sat back on the couch, I could see and feel what I imagined were souls. They floated by and touched me. It was like a transparent layer of another reality on top of my own. Then out of nowhere a glowing green squiggly thing flew through the kitchen right into me. It felt like straight up scifi movie level magick and it felt so familiar. I had seen it before during the first time I had ever smoked weed which was a decade beforehand. I had never felt so energetic and alive once that green thing came into me. For maybe a month after that, I constantly saw creatures sticking their hands out of the walls. I told no one because my greatest fear is being the crazy person haunted and no one believes them.
I was married to a total pothead who wanted the world around him to smoke as well. I became a pothead too but we were highly functional. Eventually, I had many more of the episodes but I completely kept them to myself. I kinda got used to it. It would always feel like deja vu and my eyesight would become very clear. Then strange stuff would happen. After a couple years, these episodes started to slow down and I thought it all went away. I did have constant fainting spells and random flashes of visions that felt like past lives.
At some point I decided to stop smoking. I wanted to be more productive and get rid of the constant sunken place feeling that weed gave me. I had gone nearly a month without smoking while still working at a dispensary. I was doing well until I had one very bad day. My ex encouraged me to smoke and I did.
Once again it started with me being alone with the ex gf. All of a sudden I felt the deja vu feeling taking over but I didn’t see anything. I just noticed that the ex gf’s amber colored eyes looked more sparkly. I thought it was the lighting or something. Then when we were laughing and her eyes looked up, a pair of glowing gold eyes/iris stared at me below hers. I felt panic, but I said nothing about it. I thought I could ignore it like I had been doing. Then I started feeling something like a snake swirling up from my spine into my skull. It slithered around and hissed, “let me in”. In my head, I talked to it. It wasn’t a voice of my own. It wouldn’t give me its name, however every time I asked that particular question my voice would hiss too.
My little family decided to go grocery shopping that day and I spent a few hours talking to a creature in my head. I promised it that I would let it in if I ever smoked THC based weed again. It’s been 4 years and I haven’t touched the stuff since.
Eventually, I decided to try my hand at magick and spirituality. While going all wild west and cavalier with spirit communication, I started to have voices talk to me on their own. Totally benevolent, but not what I was trying to contact. Instead they would tell me more about what I was trying to reach. The last one talked my ear off and would pop up at random. That scared me and I haven’t really tried any magic/ spirituality stuff since.
In addition to all of this, I’ve had something visit me at night since I was 13. I would hear a large sound like thunder or pots and pans falling. I would wake up and would see nothing there. Then it would touch me. When I was younger it would pop me in the head and not let me sleep. As I got older, it would hold me lovingly. I could feel the mattress sinking as it laid on the bed with me and wrapped its arms around me. I could hear its breath and its footsteps but nothing auditory until I was going through cancer about 2 years ago. Right before I started chemo was the first time I could actually hear its voice. As my hand hung over the bed while I was in agony, it held my hand. I woke up to it saying words I couldn’t understand but it sounded angry. Then it kissed my hand. I haven’t experienced it since. The last time I had a break from it was only when I was dating and eventually married my ex.
Since then it’s been other stuff bothering me. I guess this would be closer to sleep paralysis. It feels more like a mini seizure if I try to resist. If I don’t resist, I typically fall into a slumber. They talk to me in my dreams. I become totally alert in those dreams. Sometimes, they talk while I’m wake up. Other times, I feel them pulling me and wake up with my mattress halfway off the bed. I’m usually too tired to care.
Knowing all this, I think I’m ready to dive back in. I kind of said to the wind a few days ago that I wanted an entity to reveal itself so that I could work with it. I just don’t have too many interests that are written about. So that has been my hesitation all along. I was hoping for a more feminine one. So the other night, I had the paralysis like thingy happen. I didn’t resist it. The moment I went to sleep, I saw a muscular red horned dude in a suit. He had a cheesy grin. Even though he didn’t move his mouth, he said hi. I ignored him and I walked over to some of my friends. Out of nowhere, a big cardboard sign was floating in front of me saying something about a ritual. It was handwritten. The words kept moving in and out of focus. The only word I could concentrate on was Lucifer. The name kept growing bigger in size and then I woke up.
Over the next few days, I was still contemplating which goddess to decide on. I had my eyes on Lilith but I also like Erzulie Freda. Then it dawned on me, maybe the dream was a sign. I know if he popped up like other stuff has, I’d probably get scared. For some reason I don’t feel compelled to work with him. Hahaha, as if any other entity would do such a blade of grass spirit. it feels kind of cliche. i think I might be a little scared. What if the Christian God is right?
Current Ambitions
My current ambition is just to get out there and practice. I do want guidance as in following somebody else’s blue print until I find level footing. The plan has been to start the Draconian Ritual Book. Most importantly, I want to be able to turn this stuff on and off instead of letting it just happen to me.
In addition, I want to know and define what darkness is and why I feel so drawn to it.
I also want to move beyond the sole focus of entity interaction and incorporate magic to enhance my material world. This all started with me wanting to have a better relationship with God. I’ve barely done any magick to improve my life. My wants tend to feel more frivolous in comparison to my needs, but I desire my wants more. So I have done nothing.
That’s how it works for me anyway. I don’t personally believe in Darqueness™ as a thing otherwise, it’s all energy and we need all of it.
Great to have you here.