When I was in complete despair I believed it stregthenedwarrior my magic but I think it just made it seem that way because my emotions were so high. Might wanna think back at what magic you did while you were in your state of depression from the past and count the results see if you actually we’re more powerful or if ou felt it because you were finally enjoying somthing in the act o casting because everything else in life was so miserable.
I think you might love the emotional state of empowerment the hightened sense of allenotions more then the state you were actually in.
To want o be a god of despair I understand you want to control the emotion not suffer from it but without the suffering from it will you even get the feeling of such empowered emotion.
So if you were a god of despair doesn’t that mean you would be one to just make others suffer and you would do it for the purpose of spreading despair and taking joy in watching other suffer, if you follow this path I can only see you becoming somthin you don’t want to be.
Test yourself and see if you get joy from other suffering check out a Gore thread on 4chan. Org
It should either way be a resource you could use toward emerging yourself into your disired state
So yea please don’t ask for help from and go that also works in madness make sure our clear to the gods you ask for help that you need to keep your mind a focused machine.
An idea or a place to go to get a large dose would be a slaughter house the animals definitely feel despair as they wait for death listening to it’s friends die.
I can say I’ve felt the power o a negative emotion befor without feeling the negativity associated with it and it was empowering and invigorating I can understand why you would want to tap into that.
Another idea would be to do the white board method or cleansing your negativity but instead of erasing the chosen word you write it overlapping in every color you can find then do an affirmation to bond your self with your board.