Help for Codependent / Possible Spirit Attachment?

Hi. I need some help with myself and my life. I have a strange background which is difficult for me to talk about, but I really need some insight.

I will try to sum it up briefly, from the root. Until I was 25, I lived in an isolated area where everyone was Christian. I never believed in this, so I “wore a mask” (was physically there but fake robotic, tried to blend in). I did not want anything to do with the people around me (interaction was empty and unpleasant) though I longed for (nonthreatening) interaction. I never got to really know anyone there. And I was homeschooled for most of my school years.

I think I developed a very codependent relationship with my (now deceased) mother. I think this has held me back from everything in life, as well as in spirituality and magick. I still have a great fear of acting without permission, a great fear of disapproval. I am 100% aware of how illogical it is, but its still there and affecting me. I always feared my mother’s anger, I fear punishment and abandonment. Now I fear something I can’t describe: the “universe”, karma, the divine, punishment … my own thoughts and fears. I am afraid to talk to people, or to contact deities, spirits. My mother used to show disapproval for me trying to be social, and I don’t know why.

This is already long, and it upsets me to think about it, but I felt I needed to do this. I would like some insight. How can I overcome this? Is this a spirit attachment? I want to break free, find myself and live. I don’t even know where to begin.

Thank you for reading, and I hope I make sense. I know that it is pathetic, my story – I am ashamed – but I just really need some insight from outside of my own head and fears.

My dad passed when I was 10. We depended on each other spiritually and I could always feel him closeby. It got to the point though where I felt like this was holding the both of us back from embracing our own perspectives. I was constantly longing for death, it felt like I was walking with one foot on the bank of the river Styx and the other in life. This tormented me.

I am not going to tell you how to live, but I will recomend that you do in fact live your life and not allow the deceased to dictate your life if when it is keeping you from feeling fufilled. Something that has seemed to help me has been spending as much time as I used to think about death thinking about it in terms of life and cycles. I feel a lot happier now that my morbidity has some checks and balances. It felt like I was spending way too much time in and with death that can be healthy for a living person who is very attached to someone(or many) who have passed over. I enjoy having an ancestor altar and find giving the deceased time to speak and be heard helpful. In other words giving the person’s spirit a new context and place in your life for who they were without expecting them (or allowing them if nesicary ) to be the only the person you knew. I find that many people once they pass on are much broader minded. Good luck!

I would tackle each of your fears if it were me. I have had similar traumas but with people who are alive and I had to tackle several issues one by one. I understand how upsetting it is and really magick can help heal these types of problems and get you to a point where things are much better for you.

I am not super experienced with magick so maybe there is a much faster way to do this, such as a spirit helping you, etc.