HELP: Emptying your ego into the cup, being black brothered and crossing the abyss

So After my post yesterday I didn’t get any responses

I guess because maybe it was really long, complicated weird and fucked up or all the above, but that is my story. I have some new and interesting updates to add but since I have not gotten a response yet I think I might just try to summarize some of my questions.

I think I may have taken an abyss vow and got black brothered. And my black brother came back to save me but instead we ended up fighting out of some sort of confusion.

It sounds as though he is leaving me to be consumed.

So I have questions that I am having a hard time getting answers to,
but I’ll start with, what does it mean to be consumed by the abyss?
Does that really mean that your soul becomes disintegrated?

Seems kind of odd, for this to happen to me, I never seemed like that bad a person. The only demon I ever called upon in this life at least was Belial. I don’t even remember making these vows but this is what it seems.

Anyways if so is there any hope? I left yesterday feeling strangely hopeful but no response.

What does it mean to pour your ego into the abyss? I hear it is about putting 100% of yourself into your magick or something. How do you measure that?

I am a bit hoping that all this fighting and fear I have been facing and rejection has actually been to face my fears or something?

Hoping now when he said we could go canoeing that he was referring to transitioning from Chessed into Binah on Charon’s boat or something.

Any thoughts?


So you’re in it too :thinking::smiling_imp:
Nice to meet another one


What have you been experiencing?

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What’s your story?

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Mine was rather personal but they visited me Astrally one night and everything went from there

It was very brief


My experiences here may be different from yours, but I think we share some similarities. I haven’t read your other post btw, but here’s my two cents.

First of all, you don’t need to worry about “soul consumption” or anything like that. You initiated these spiritual processes, and you remain in-charge. It’s true that allowing the process to unfold as it will is important, but remember that your aim is to bring about positive transformation to your self, your life, and the world around you.

In order to bring about this transformation, you must change. What you currently are must give way, so that something new and better can take its place. This is what we refer to when we speak of “spiritual consumption,” images of death and rebirth, or of a personal Apocalypse (the original Greek word meaning “revelation”). I’ve had experiences of being consumed by the Leviathan, the great beast of the Sea, Demon King of Water, and I’ve heard others share similar experiences with various beings.

While the first step in the process, destruction, can be frightening, it is all for the best. Undesirable aspects of your self and situations in your life that hold you back need to be removed and replaced with something better. By doing so, you are able to reach your full potential, to push the boundaries of what you would otherwise be able to experience and attain in this incarnation.

This is why fully letting go and allowing the spirits to guide you is important. You likely do not know what holds you back, or if you do, you may currently lack the strength to change. The spirits will work wonders in this regard. At times, change will come to you quite easily, with little effort. Other changes may be more difficult, but through it all the spirits will guide and support you.

Now, the “black brother” bit. Speaking from my experience, I suspect that you may have much to gain from continuing with darker magick, for the time being at least. Upon reaching the Abyss, you have two options for how to cross it - the path of Light, or the path of Shadow, or in other words, the Sephiroth or the Qliphoth, or some may say, the path to Wholeness, or the path to Knowledge. There is a third way, though few would aspire to Nothing, when they have the choice. Too many others need assistance, and there is unending wisdom.

In truth, either path will lead you to Light, though their routes differ. The angels will bathe you in eternal loving Light, while the demons will reveal to you that from infinite Darkness, Light may shine forth.

I’ve experienced spiritual cycles with both, and both have revealed different sorts of wisdom about my self, and about reality. Some will say that the path of the black brother (or sister, or what have you) is one of corruption and spiritual ignorance, but I disagree. There is much to gain from both paths, the Dark and the Light.

That being said, it does seem that different people require different amounts of work in either path to reach their true potential, to heal their pasts, and to attain their deepest satisfaction. If your spiritual guides have suggested dark magick, I would trust them. What awaits you is not corruption, but illumination.

Many of our fears do indeed await us on this dark path, as that is where many lie. Be bold, and overcome your fears.

A glorious life awaits you when you do.


Thanks, I am wondering about the nothing path in so much as do you experiencing both the light and the dark to become the new you? Or do you actually disintegrate? My black brother recently, I believed sent me the message that I was empty and was to be consumed for being so obsessive compulsive with magick and our vows. You see sort of long story short (Though it is interesting and it probably wouldn’t take to long if you use a natural reader-that’s how I read your response to myself. :wink: )

Anyways I felt this guy was my soul mate from past lives but it was incredibly bizarre and mysterious and I was left drinched in demons and battled with that for a good while.
yada yada to accidently calling Belial, wondering what to do with him, asked for an energy healing, seemed to go fine at first but lead to crazy adventure to crazy adventure and even got a bit romantic and sexual for a bit and so much more!

Ended up agreeing to be taken to Hell for a brief tour. Tried to back out but Belail took me anyways. When I came back instead of learning about it, I was drunk with demonic evil from getting back from Hell. And that was when Belail taught me his Love possession rite. Where you can put a love spell on some one and also possess them if you wish.

I tried it while still in the evil of hell state on him, well just for a bit under a minute but it was sloppy and dark, but I came to me senses and released it. I started coming to my senses.

I really came to my senses after my angels gave me a good bitch slapping. But that day they showed me he was listening to this song…

I am beginning to really hate Spine Shank but the lyrics say it all.

I have come to my senses, been weening off Belial, giving my black brother reiki healing candle offerings. Trying to give space, while telepathing a bit. Sometimes I get back it’s going to be okay still messages and other times it’s like: “I dunno I think I am giving up on you type messages.”

But fortunately perhaps the most real seeming conversation was.
Hey are you there?
I’m not wanting to talk to you right now.

___ I understand. I’m not well right now. I may have to pass through the abyss and I’m not sure I am going to make it, and if I don’t I just want to know how much I appreciate you for all the times we shared especially that I don’t remember.

And he said
___ Don’t die in the abyss… I need you too.

It was so instant and clever the “I need you too”
I wasn’t even thinking about how I sent him those texts and emails a few months ago about how I needed him.
So I am hoping that is the one.
I have been through some pretty fucked up stuff since meeting him.
The whole “Saga” thing comes down to him at the core of everything on this profile.
I’ve been to hell, raped by demons, experienced very unhappy angels, magick gone terribly wrong, Belail saying I owed “my whole soul” but I am pretty spooked right now.

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How brief I think I saw him in my dream recently, even after I came back from hell, I hope that is a positive sign, but I woke up as soon as he said my name. Was it that brief?


Oh @Micah you are almost as mysterious as my Black brother. lol
Well no not that mysterious, but pretty mysterious.

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Lmao I suppose so


Hmmmm :thinking: your not him by any chance are you?

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My username is my actual name so if that’s the name you heard then congrats


Lol no that’s not it.


I guess I’ll start here and then ask you my questions :

  1. It means losing yourself completely to the void of the sub-conscious and understanding the relation of you to your shadow and the potential for relation between those aspects of yourself. One is so far disconnected from logic and the other is so connected to logic it can’t breathe without the mortal world.

  2. You can’t measure the 100%. The idea of losing your ego to the abyss / ego death / void acceptance… blah blah blah… is about losing yourself completely and becoming restructured through the loss you experience. Sometimes it is literal feelings of death, others its uncontrollable anxiety, some it’s even worse… It’s hard to say really. The experience can deepen as far down the rabbit hole as you would like to go.

My questions :

  1. You contact Abbadon out of fear or are you fearful now that you have opened the gate?

  2. You asked yourself if you faced fear itself, well the question you should ask if how far disassociated are you from your own fears.

I would love to provide some help with this since it’s something I’m deeply interested in as the majority of my rituals involve inward thought and focus less than manipulation and outward change.


Well it is rather odd perhaps that I fear this adventure at all, I have been through so much all ready. I seem to fear losing myself completely and losing this mysterious soul mate black brother of mine the most, I think. :S

Abbadon: hmmm that is a bit of an odd one to answer. I suspect you may not have read the full article lol as it was long and weird and complicated and I don’t suspect anyone actually did read it. It is quite the story though and using natural reader software reading big stuff doesn’t take too long. I try to tell everyone but no one will listen. This guy and I connected largely over writing, but I think I over wrote him too eventually. Though I tend to not feel as inspired without him, but the point is I tend to like to write too much sometimes.

Anyways… Long story short, is I haven’t been working with Abbadon per say…
Part of why I titled that, was because of Oralee’s videos and experiences and how they related to mine and were posted just moments after I was experiencing the things I experienced.

I was working with Belial who was trying to convince me to come to hell and become the whore of Babylon to help bring about the end times. The idea and it’s purpose was a bit of a long story. I mostly work with Angels but in theory I could see this work as potentially ethical though wildly reckless, dangerous and scary for myself and does bring up weird time travel ethics. Lol

But also I bring up Abbadon (and this is something new to my long post in part)
But I agreed under having my angels work out the boundaries of what I was agreeing to, that I would go to hell with Belial as a sort of tour in exchange for helping me figure out what this thing with this mysterious man was who came into my life and made everything so spiritually surreal ever since. (Okay that part was in the post) but here is what is new…

I had been saying to Belial that I only wanted to work with him of all the demons.
We were getting a little on the intimate side so it was all fun and cutesy
“I only want you Belial”

But when I went to hell I actually remember very little memories.

But when I got back Belial asked me if I still only wanted to work with him and I don’t know why
maybe Belial possessed me, he sometimes possesses me to say fucked up stuff after waking up from sleep but I said
“I only want to work with you Azazal, I mean Abbadon, I mean Lucifuge, I mean Belail.”
Oh dear.
I think working with magick so hard over the period I got really into it, I am learning about “what though wilt.” and a sort of being careful what you ask for. So I could say I want my soul mate… but then maybe Satan or something will appear and merge with my soul, just Abbadon seems like he could help me to cross the abyss and be of use to me in my life, but would I then have to sacrifice something that is of my true will and intent and desires or something I can’t part with like a loved one or something?

And I think as I do magick and have some inner sabotager come out and goof up something in thought or in action, or how I live my life where it seems as though I have been cursed or robbed of things in my life no matter how hard I work towards them, I think the reason I am finding is that even when I do angel magick and use the talisman and say “I call upon the inner world to know that this is my will…” I am in essence giving up part of my free will to angels and so when I am in conflict with somesort of agreement I have made with myself strange stuff starts coming up that acts against what I am doing.

I think I say that something is my will to an angel or a demon and next thing I am held to that by them and myself, and I am stuck in it, sometimes long after it is no longer my will or goal until I am boxed in.

As for question 2 I’m not sure how to answer it, I am a bit lost and may need to ponder it for some time. But I have given enough to read thus far I bet.

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Without calling anyone else but Belail directly and I didn’t have to do much to get his attention, just say his enn a few times thinking it sounded pretty.

I now have others trying to talk.

Satan keeps calling and Azazal had come to me the other night I am pretty sure, but for lots of reasons I have thus far not wanted to give them back too much attention.

I could go on, but I’ll allow you a chance to talk.

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Ahh I lied…
I just wanted to say that I think it is great that you focus on inner work.
I think outer work is great but inner work is often neglected and for far too long.

I am planning another 11 day Angel ritual with 6 different angels dealing with inner work and developing my magick abilities very much in an inward way, for my next magick working.

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I can’t really tell you what you should or should not do, as you know your situation far better than I do, but if I can give a little advice, it would be to keep moving forward. If you are truly in the Abyss, you just need to get through it. This stage is often the toughest part, but you just gotta keep pushing forward.

Read over and reflect on my previous words if you are lost. They will help you through.


As far as working with all these demonic entities I suspect if I am meant to I might not have much choice in the matter, but suspect I will have more communication as Azazal said “Don’t worry I am not here to harm you, and if you don’t want to talk right now I don’t have to but I will be back and we will talk later.” I feel a bit :S about it, but I suspect he wasn’t lying. And Satan seems really interested in talking to me. I don;t know what they want but suspect I will find out in time. I tend to often see a sort of alien like praying mantis figure made with lots of colors in my minds eye with him. Is this the same with anyone? Anyways I suspect I will know what everything is all about in time as I plan on moving forward.

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Anyways last night I had a dream and in my dream I said I was ready to try to cross the abyss.
My black brother came and lifted me out of my body in a bit of a new way then I am used to.
Called it the upside down world, sort of like in stranger things as he came lifted me out and then upside down.

He gave me powdered balls into my hand and said to crush them up and eat it. that it would help me in creating wealth or something. Also interesting to note he had an issue with my use of stimulants which this sort of reminded me of. I am mostly completely off drugs now.

He was video taping it for some reason. I said how are you going to re watch that and he put the camera away. We left and it was as though outside my grandparents house in the winter. I had one thought of doubt very mild, pushed it aside and all fear, but still moments later though I was without fear, I had a portal to hell come open and start trying to suck me in.

My advice he has given me on crossing the abyss safely (just after coming back from hell)
was “Don’t go down” that day that was all he would say to me.

Anyways I didn’t go down exactly, but I felt the astral fuel get sucked out and I woke up back in my body today. I am hoping to continue to move forward.

I hope that this is putting 100% of my self into the cup because I want to do little else if anything else but get through this, get back to him, better myself for him, for having a better life where I can still hopefully leave my mark and leave this world one day a better place.