I’ve been learning this forum for a few months now and figured it’s time to set up an account and introduce myself. So here’s a long rambling intro full of jumbled thoughts
I’ve been familiar with magick, but never really worked it before other than a brief period of attempting evocation in my early 20’s (I’m 32 now by the way).
I was raised catholic but have pretty much been agnostic my entire life. I have a pretty vanilla upper middle class life, been with my husband since I was 19 and him 21. Up until a bit over a year ago I was a stay at home mom, then our marriage broke down and I started working. We separated for awhile and are now back together. We have one son. Up until about 3 years ago life was really good, things got rough and now we’re on the mend and things are looking up. From the outside I have it all…looks, money, beautiful home, career I love, healthy son, etc. But on the inside I’m still struggling. Truth be told I guess I’ve always struggled but for so many years just devoted my life to being a wife and mother. Now my son is almost 10, still a child but more independent. Anyways, these past few years after my husband hurt me I’ve been rediscovering myself. There’s no anger between us, I’ve forgiven him and he forgave me for how I handled everything. I will always love him as a person and the father of my child, but I often wonder if our marriage can ever truly be happy again. You see the truth is he was the only man I ever slept with up until we separated, then I did have a few relationships during the time we separated and finally experienced real passion that I’ve never felt with my husband. I’ve never been physically attracted to him and I just accepted it for years due to that being the only thing I knew. And now it’s really hard to go back to what we had intimately now that I know what else is out there. With that all being said, that’s part of what brought me here. The sexual side of me has always meant a lot and was a huge part of my identity, and now it’s gone because I just shut it down since I feel repulsed by him (keep in mind I do truly love him and am trying to overcome these issues because he wants me physically just as much as he did the day he first saw me. We’ve hurt each other enough and I am committed to rebuilding with him).
The thought of working with demons has been in my mind for years, wondering what if there was more to their story than Christianity wants us to believe. What if they aren’t the bad ones? But it’s only these last few months I’ve decided to officially try to invoke them to help me out a bit in life. My problem is that nothing is working. I’ve tried all different ways of summoning them, yet nothing. No changes, no voices, no nothing. I haven’t asked for anything outrageous like a huge lottery win or anything. I’ve asked for things such as a simple sign that they are here, increase my sex drive so I can desire my husband, a small raise at my job because as much as I love it I know I’m being low balled and really don’t want to quit but would like to make a bit more as I am making less than my “market value” and the raise amount I asked for would still put me on the low end of what I should be making but I figured I’d start small and ask for easy things. Yet nothing. Honestly I’m feeling as defeated as I felt as a child realizing that god doesn’t answer prayers. Like I put my full heart into this and truly was open to demon invocation yet nothing is happening despite not only my efforts but also the fact that I’ve only asked for reasonable requests.
Anyways, I just wanted to say hello to everyone and vent a bit. I love reading others success stories and hope to one day have one to share myself. Any advice or pep talk would be greatly appreciated, as I’m at the point I’m thinking maybe this is just wishful thinking like every other religion or belief system, and I really don’t want to reach that point because I’m at the point I need something to cling to and was so hopeful that this was it. That I finally found something that would fulfill me. A working relationship with demons.