Healing a relationship - commitment issues

Lalayla · May 28, 2021, 1:43am

Hi everyone.

I’ve been with my partner for over 5 years. I manifested this relationship after asking for my life partner, and there were some incredible synchronicities that happened in order for us to get together - one of the times of my life that has been filled with the most unmistakeable magick and signs. We are extremely compatible, love each other very much, and generally have a healthy relationship with good communication. People often remark how good we are together and how well our energies mesh. But we’ve recently found ourselves at a make-or-break part of our relationship.

Some background: he has commitment issues due to unhealthy enmeshment with his mother (she has mental health issues, and he took on a caretaker role early on in his life - he has a lot of childhood trauma associated with her mental health, although she is much better than she was). I on the other hand have up until now had the issue on putting other people’s needs and desires before my own. I’ve been focusing on my inner growth around this area for some time, and now I find myself at a point where I can no longer ignore my need for a deeper level of commitment in the relationship.

We don’t live together - partly because of financial issues, but also his commitment issues. He lives with his mother. I’ve been wanting to move in together for a while, but there has always been some reason on his part why we couldn’t make it work. Now, to make matters worse, she is dealing with a serious illness, and a lot of his emotional capacity is spent on this. Of course I want my partner to support his mother in these hard times, but this is really highlighting the fact that he will never fully be able to commit because of this enmeshment. If we were dealing with this as a team, it would be one thing, but we’re not - it’s driving us further apart. The space in his heart where a romantic partner is supposed to be, is occupied by his mother. We had made some progress in this area until her illness.

To make matters more complicated, I’ve now decided that I want children in the very near future (we are in our mid 30s). We were both on the fence before. I’ve communicated all this to him, and we are taking a short break, as it’s a big thing for him to process, and decide whether he really wants to do this. In my heart, I do feel that his hesitation is mostly due to fears, and that the parenting journey would be very fulfilling for him.

I don’t want to go against his free will, but I would like to work on removing his fears and blockages towards deeper commitment and having children. I’m also ready to let go of the relationship, should it turn out that we can’t grow in the same direction together, but I’d like to give it a fighting chance before I let go.

So far, I have been working with some of the angels of the 42 names - Gavriel to give me the strength and surety to stand up for my needs and desires, Orpaniel to bring healing to the relationship, Tummel to decrease my resentment towards his mother. I worked with Agares in order to have the initial conversation with him where I told him how I was feeling- the results were great, I was able to express how I felt (not about his mother - it’s a sensitive topic and especially now she is sick - but about wanting children and feeling I can’t go on in the relationship as it is) and he heard and understood me fully.

I have now also petitioned Paimon to open his eyes to the unhealthy dynamic with his mother, no results yet as I did it some hours ago and we will only be speaking in a few days.

Any other suggestions? I hope to do some work on his mother as well in order for her to also see how she is holding her son back. I was thinking of Orias, and either Dantalion or Paimon. Other ideas are Cimeries and/or Haagenti to remove his fears and subconscious blockages towards commitment and children, and perhaps Sallos? And I was going to petition Cimeries to work on myself and remove any subconscious blockages that I have towards manifesting a deeply committed relationship.

Any advice much appreciated!

QueenMustang · May 28, 2021, 2:30am

I’ve worked with Queen Beleth in the past to remove blockages in my coparenting relationship, bring back love for the friendship & respect, and I’ve had fantastic results. I have a very volatile & tumultuous relationship with my youngest son’s father, and I work with Beleth, Dantalion & King Paimon, mainly for influence, changing negative feelings & memories, and to remove any blockages that are preventing the flow of love and respect between us.

If you’re thinking of working with Dantalion, I say call on him. He may be able to help you with your situation.

You also have to decide how long do you want to live like this. How long are you willing to wait? I know you say you manifested your perfect partner, but is he really perfect for you? Take a stand, work with a spirit to fix the relationship or walk away and attract a partner that isn’t perfect, but is right for you. You deserve to be happy, not waiting around for someone to change…but if you’re willing to put in the work to change him & wait for him, then Good luck and please let us know how things turn out.

John_Wick · May 28, 2021, 2:33am

He really has to do his own shadow work and probably work on some financial goals so his mom doesn’t have to be totally dependent on him

VictoriaLaramie · May 28, 2021, 2:40am

I am dealing with a very very similar situation im so glad you shared this.

My bf lives with his sick mom and has a teenager that sees him on the weekends. He stays with me 4 days a week but over time our connection had become apathetic.He has told me several times he has no intention of marrying ever, nor does he ever intend on moving out of the crappy area we live in. When his mom dies he gets the trailer they live in where his dead step dad has recently started haunting. He and I have been together for over 2 yrs and we are ridiculously compatible so long as we’re both working on a project together. The big problem is that the project is never personal growth. Even after all this time I still can’t talk to him about anything important. He gives me the “correct” responses to the point where I can never get to the root of issues. I’ll try talking to him about the things I’m passionate about but he doesn’t understand what I’m talking about or thinks I’m being cute when I’m dead serious. He used to sit in the kitchen with me while I cook dinner… we’d talk shit and laugh…then my mom had to stay with me for a few months and we both started shutting down because its hard to have fun without it turning dramatic with her. Then I stopped getting drunk every night after a black out. I chose to not allow daily drinking in my house and Now he just waits for me to sit down with him in the couch after he comes home from his horrible job he keeps because its convenient. Because he hasn’t been involving himself in my life or my kids life or even his own life, I’ve gotten to the point where Ive just been living my life without him, but he’s still in the room. All he wants now is food cuddles and sex…things not at the top of my list. I feel like he’s become a parasite (i do love him for him but there’s no other word to describe how he’s changed) feeding off of my time, space, air, energy attention. He spends more time at my house than his and doesn’t pay me anything. I cook and pay for food. He pays for weed. I’ve been incredibly patient with the fact that he won’t get married and now if he asked, I’d say no.

I’ve always been the kind of person who will ride out a relationship until the end but I always ended up losing more than I needed to by doing that. Doesnt stop me im still doing it obviously. I wanted someone who I could grow with and that’s kinda what I got but he grows very slowly and there’s a cap on that growth. He sees nothing wrong living in the crappy trailer. He doesn’t want better. I really do love him very very very much but the fires gone. Even after we rekindled it over a short trip, it was gone again the week after because its become our normal.

I dont know how one would go about healing something like our situations but I believe demon magick may or may not help. Demon magick lights up and blows up but can fizzle out quickly if the magick isn’t revisited, even then if the problem isn’t solved at the root, the magick will fade… i havent tried using magick on my boyfriend for that reason… I cant gauge where he’s at because he doesn’t talk about it or he’s “fine”. I’ve pushed the talking before and thought we made breakthroughs, but nothing has actually changed. Never used angelic magick but ive heard they force growth over time if they feel your request is in line. Might be good but I don’t have the patience for that (I also don’t like being told no)

But I have worked with Haagenti and Orias. Not for someone else but for myself. I made a pact with Haagenti, he seemed slightly irritated when I called but it worked for a time…the root of the problem was not addressed, im still working my personal problem and getting closer every day but I recently worked with Orias. He was an interesting character…very enthusiastic, talks fast, supportive and positive in a practical way. Very much a just do it kind of person. I like that. He may be a good fit for you. Speaking of which im now going to post a thank you to him and contact him I could use the support. Hope you were able to find some answers in my super duper long post.

Lalayla · May 28, 2021, 9:35am

Thanks for your reply. To answer the question on how long I’m willing to wait - not long at all. I’ve already waited long enough, and we’ve had discussions and breakthroughs about this, yet I find myself in the same position with only small changes.

I really just want to give it a last try before giving up. My partner is very much into personal growth, but I feel like he’s blind to this enmeshment issue, so I’m hoping that his eyes open to it and he starts doing work in that area. But, it could be a long journey, and I’m not willing to stick around without seeing some core changes.

I will update the thread with his things work out, I feel like we will reach a conclusion to this soon, as we are talking next week after he’s had time to digest everything I told him.

Lalayla · May 28, 2021, 9:38am

It’s actually the other way round, he is dependent on her - he had a serious injury so had to stop working for a while, then he recovered just as covid hit and his industry came to a halt. He started studying for another career, so may take a while. But yes, he does need to do shadow work. He’s done a lot over the past few years, and has really grown and changed - in all areas except for the one concerning his enmeshment with his mother!

Veil · May 28, 2021, 9:47am

Personally… I would work with demons for short-term results, and archangels for long-term.

Give the workings you’ve already done some room to breathe. No matter what, it’s going to be OK.

Dantalion is better than Paimon at influencing situations related to love.

Loop in Haniel for your long-term results. Alternatively I feel like Iophiel could be of some use, but that’s just me getting a nudging to name-drop this entity. I don’t remember off the top of my head what their powers are beyond being the archangel of beauty.

In the meanwhile, if you feel compelled to do any rituals or workings towards this, I would focus them inwards, on yourself. Whether it’s sigil magick or rituals with any demons, Shem angels, archangels, Olympic spirits, et cetera, et cetera.

There’s also an archangel (which one specifically I do not recall, but it’s detailed in Archangels of Magic by Damon Brand) to help you “understand how magic can help a situation”.

Also Karviel, the angel of unfolding; or search the Gallery of Magick’s site/blog for their “unfreezing ritual” to move things along.

You might also find New Avatar Power helpful here. I recommend the more recent publication (I think published within the last few years, at least the last decade, not the 1970s(?) version) since it removes all of the car-salesman-sounding “testimonials”. There are rituals in there that would be useful to you, which call on Haniel (“Anael”) and a few other genius spirits. To spark love/to rekindle a mate’s interest.

Good luck.

Lalayla · May 28, 2021, 9:48am

Thanks for your reply, I empathise with your situation! I agree that we lose more by riding out a relationship until the end. I was the same, but I’ve had a period of intense growth due to life circumstances over the past few months, and I feel I can no longer do it. It’s like a shoe that was pinching for a long time, but now no longer fits at all any more. Incredibly sad because up until now I’ve always been sure that we would make it and that this was my life partner.

That’s interesting what you say about demon magick fizzing out. I’m hoping to use it mainly to open my partner’s eyes fully to the issue, and that he will do the work from there (he’s very devoted to his personal growth, but seems blind to the unhealthiness of his relationship with his mother). But there’s a chance it might be a long road, and in that case, my magick might end up benefitting his next partner, but not me.

I’ve done some readings on the situation, and for the outcome, I keep getting messages about being at a crossroad, having to say goodbye to the past, but that this is a blessing in disguise. So I feel like this may be the end! I’m going to make this one last effort, and if it doesn’t get results then I will walk away. I hope you find a resolution to your situation too.

Speaking of angels, I haven’t really been told no by them, but maybe that’s because I’ve been using them for my inner growth, and there not likely to say no to that? The 42 names have been really helpful to me and they’re all about inner alchemy and growth (I use Angels of Alchemy from Gallery of Magick), so if you ever do decide to try out angelic magick, I do recommend them!

Lalayla · May 28, 2021, 10:01am

Thank you, this is super helpful.

I have been working with Karviel actually! I feel like this situation will come to its conclusion very soon. Funnily enough, I was drawn to Iophiel while flipping through the book, but couldn’t figure out how s/he could work in this situation. I’ll look into this angel some more and meditate on it!

I’ll definitely be checking out Haniel too, as this is an angel that keeps popping up and catching my attention.

Veil · May 28, 2021, 10:16am

You’re very welcome

I would recommend a copy of Archangels of Magick if you don’t have it already, since it includes workings such as:

Also Tzaphkiel could be very helpful on your journey here:

“to make a wise decision with speed”
“to clarify a message to others”
“to find serenity in a tempest”
“to establish emotional boundaries”
“to expand boundaries”

Were I you, I’d be looking at the full evocation ritual for the archangel, and then simply speaking to them (whoever you choose) from your heart they do each have “petition”/sigil rituals, but sometimes it can be healing just to call on them, feel their presence, and spill all your feelings out, then ask for what you want – instead of having to try and summarise everything in a sentence or two for a petition ritual.

Apollonius · May 28, 2021, 10:54am

You asked for and manifested your life partner. But it seems to me that you have not bargained for the “life “ aspect of your manifestation. I also think that your partner is caught between a rock and a hard place and I am not sure which is which, you, the woman who manifested him into her life on demand or his mother who gave him life but through no fault of hers denies him a life. You say he is “enmeshed” but I think it is quite laudable that he cares for his mother the way he does, in this day and age many uncaring and unfeeling children would have abandoned her to her fate, so I would not hold that against him and nor, do I think, should you.

You seem to be throwing a lot of magick at this to influence things the way you want, whilst there’s nothing inherently wrong with this approach you may wish to take a more holistic view being that you manifested your life partner and you met him at a point in his life where perhaps more understanding forbearance and sensitivity would be of great help to him. I would seek to enhance the relationship and smoothen the path before the both of you. Perhaps some healing/remission work on behalf of his mother for instance.

I understand you have been together five years and that is a long time and reading between the lines, I sense that you have given an enormous amount of yourself, but there are no prizes for that, indeed, it is to be expected. If you truly believe he is your life partner why would you even consider walking away, how many life partners do you think we really have in this one lifetime of ours?

True-life partnerships do not come with a guarantee of the fairy-tale not that I am implying that is what you seek, but it can be bloody hard work and life does have a way of coming back to haunt us, perhaps his very caring and enmeshment is what you yourself would one day far in the future come to rely upon, who knows?

I do not envy the decision you have to make but I wish you all the best.

Lalayla · May 28, 2021, 11:40am

Thanks for your reply.

It’s hard to give full insight of the situation to someone who doesn’t know the people involved, but please trust me when I say there is enmeshment here - look up the psychological concept of parentification for an idea. Its not as simple as having a partner who cares deeply for and supports their mother - I too think that’s laudable.

I don’t want him to abandon her at all. But it’s at the point where him and her are the primary “team”, she is who he is planning his future with, not me. She had codependence and mental health issues to the point where her husband left her because he ended up being her emotional caretaker and not her husband, and his whole life came to revolve around this. Now that role has fallen to her son. Our relationship was progressing as a healthy relationship should, until he had to move in with her due to financial issues. I second guessed myself for years over this, and was as patient as I could be, but I can no longer ignore it, and it’s breaking my heart.

I did up until now believe he was my life partner, and up until recently, it was inconceivable for me to walk away. I have been to hell and back with this relationship (unrelated to this current issue, some deep trauma we went through together some years ago), and still I stayed and gave it my all to make it work and to heal us. I’ve gotten to the point where I am prepared to go at the journey of motherhood alone via sperm donation, and stay single for life if I must. It’s not what I wanted, but I can’t continue to break my own heart over and over by settling for less than what I need.

I am not expecting a prize for giving enormous amounts of myself, but I want to be with someone who is also willing and able to put as much work into the relationship as I am, someone who sees our relationship as a priority, and who wants to make plans for the future. It’s such a complex situation to explain (it has taken me years to wrap my head around it, and I still am working on it), but while he cares for me deeply, and I believe I am his great love just as he is mine, these commitment issues run deep, and the enmeshment is based on some very traumatic childhood experiences with his mother that have not been healed, where he was forced to be her emotional caretaker at an age where he was way too young. Like I said, if I felt that we were a team, I would be viewing this very differently, and I would be ready to put in a lot of work for us to jointly support his mother.

I am doing some angelic work to heal and enhance the relationship. As for healing work on his mother, I’ve been thinking of that, as she has refused what would be a fairly straightforward treatment with good outcomes (she has an aversion to doctors and modern medicine).

Lalayla · May 28, 2021, 11:46am

Thank you, I do have that book and will be looking into doing a full evocation of archangel Haniel.

Apollonius · May 28, 2021, 1:39pm

You’re very welcome. I appreciate that it can be difficult to give a full insight to others who may not fully appreciate the full scope and breadth of what you’re really going through, I do feel a sense of pathos coming from your writing. I would simply encourage you not to give up…just yet…that is. A patron spirit of mine once intimated to me that true love is not without its own sacrifices but that we are truly alone in the decisions we have to take.

Somebody above wrote that its probably better to take a step back and allow the magick you have cast to work, I agree with that .

All the best

S_T_N · September 10, 2021, 3:31pm

How did you evoke/invoke Haniel?

Is there a specific enn? Sigil? Besides what the GOM books have?

Veil · September 10, 2021, 3:44pm

Only demons have enns, the closest equivalent for angels would probably be psalms (but I don’t know which psalm would apply to Haniel, the psalms may only apply to angels of the 72-letter name/Shem angels) or simply singing their name. You could likely find a Haniel sigil if you googled it, but usually her name written in Hebrew is enough (a la GoM).

I primarily use GoM’s Archangels of Magick system to call Haniel. However you will also find Haniel in GoM’s Magickal Seduction and also in the book New Avatar Power by Geoff Gray-Cobb, under the name Anael. Although NAP does not use sigils at all.