Yep … Pretty dead on. One job I got fired from was because this guy was staring dead at me while I was preparing his food, and I wanted to stab him in the neck with tongs, so instead of going to prison I yelled fuck off to everyone and walked off the line.
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Depression and dissociation is often connected, hence the phrase of not *giving a shit" about everything or anyone outside of that state of mind. I sure can relate to that sometimes.
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The funny thing is people think you should be able to exert more self control, but without medication you cannot.
Two things I keep are my word and my balls. No matter how depressed I am.
I have Major Depression and Mood Disorder/ Mild Bipolar.
That’s what the doctor says…
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I started to go into a crying bout today, and ended up slapping my face repeatedly until I got pissed off and knocked it off.
Well having those feelings all at the same time have for me only been in times of my life when i have lost something thats been so important that my life revolved around it. A breakup from a long relationship for example left me with the feelings FUCK everything nothing matters anymore. Basicly one promise to myself was all i focused on (Get through this and be happy again).
Second time was when my little sister passed away in cancer last year, same feelings then but i got passed that from a promise i made to her, (take care of dad and the family, and dont be sad for i will be with you).
Thats my answer to how i interpretate the question.
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Yea that vant be said enough and more sad when it happends to someone as young as her only 26 when it started and she fought the cancer for 2 years.
A real fighter, never gave up even the last day and allways concerned for everyone else.
So that promise she made me give, helped me when i was at my lowest.
And it opend my eyes to appreciate what i have, learn me the true meaning of ”carpe diem” and i dont think i will never again get to a state of ”FUCK everything”. My sister have given me a shield against that.
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There’s nothing wrong with crying once in a while, either. I seldom cries, but when I do, I let it out. I learned the hard way of repressing negative emotions, and it never ends well to keep it inside.
I also lost someone in cancer. My father, and I never cried when he passed away. 1 year passed by, and my grandfather also passed away. My sorrow and grief finally caught up, and it was for the both of them.
Emotions are a powerful current. Neglection of said current is not always good. It’s like the four seasons, an endless circle that needs to pass through. Summer, fall, winter and spring. Rinse and repeat.
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I don’t know of a way to develop those that doesn’t involve summoning spirits, though.
Like trying to become proficient in French without ever reading , hearing, or speaking it - because after all, you don’t know it yet.
See how that makes no sense?
Same thing. 
No-one gets handed talent and walks into the Temple or the Circle fully-primed.
i get scared shitless sometimes before bigger work, and worried I’ve overstepped my abilities, I fail some things and I fuck some things up (though I always find that was for something better to come along, and the sdooner I let go the sooner that can happen).
Magick is not, in my experience, a smooth glide along smug lines of knowing already, it’s an evolutionary battel, and mostly that battle will be against your own weaknesses and flaws.
You can’t expect your ego not to get battered, you need a “fuck you” attitude of the right kind, towards defeat, never towards yourself or the rest of the world.
I’m going to give you the same advice I did Drachir: stop thinking about doing magick for yourself at all, and stop looking for certain proof, just offer some readings on here in exchange for feedback, don’t do analytical overlay, type what you seer and send it without trying to pick it apart, treat it as a lark and nothing serious, see what happens. 
Core shamanism trainings pair the student with someone else and you do journeys for each other, it breaks down barriers faster than anything, because you have that person asking you questions and can’t make it all about ego and trying to look like you know shit. You “become as a hollow reed” through which the spirits pass information.
And there is more to magick than evocation, spirits, demons, though they are wonderful and beloved by me, the final magick lies in the GodMan who can change reality by an act of will.
That takes training, and training means learning, and learning means being in the state of not knowing, ahead of starting out - just like walking is basically the process of falling forwards and always catching the fall in time, learning is the state of opening to your own ignorance, and being willing to know slightly more tomorrow than you did today.
This is relevant:
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…or Clairsentience. That ability seems to be so overlooked in here. Of all these three abilities, I would easily chose Clairsentience over Clairvoyance or Clairaudience anytime. But that ability is also connected to my spirits and how we interact with each other, too.
Isn’t the best way to approach magic with what we have at the moment, and start from there? So what, if you can’t hear them, see them or feel them? Rinse and repeat. Pay attention internally and externally. Let go of your ego. Have faith, in yourself and the spirits you’re working with.
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Thank you very much @succupedia and @Lady_Eva 
By the way @Lady_Eva, I have pulled up your messages and bookmarked posts and will be going through them … And that adorable avatar is the woman in my life … Pandora
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Can we get a Lady_Eva bobble head. or better yet a Patron Goddess statue… yes… thats it.
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Working with raw forces like elemental and planetary can develop ones senses pretty well. This last 9 months on the path of smoke is my first real exposer to intentional evocations/ invocations of spirits. Before i started working from Bmoa i had 2 evocations i can claim had intent in them. My first summoning of Nyarlathotep during childhood had no real clue what i was doing but it work 
and my accidental one of the archangel Michael 
I will admit working with the div’s pushed my development even further than i expected in as short a time i have been working with them 
its also teaching me i dont HAVE to do everything myself i can be a might stubborn in this regard.
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You do still have to do magick to get there, but maybe a Mercury talisman will help @Fuego1 with comms? They;re pretty easy to make, and escalate influence over time… 
You didn’t see them in the catalog yet? 
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speaking of which @Lady_Eva, a red candle and patchouli have been burning, water nearby, and stated intention, Litany of the Earth Mother said, and have been sitting in remembrance through the past three days, this will continue a few more. Will be doing the ritual soon.
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Awesome! 
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This is true you still have to work them magickal muscles to make progress 
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