Ok I just undergone that “inner journey” that was more like a guided meditation and structuring process while following Shemahstiels voice. I was in the bathroom taking a shower when I said : “What the heck let mejust do it!” At first I saw again that violet flame flickering at me. It was talking to me. It said: “Tell me what is it that make you sad,and what give’s you joy?”
So I started thinking about some events in my life and some of them were recent so the respond was almost immideate. I heard Shemahstiel and saw him too. I saw him floating and he said touch your flame now you’ve done it before do it again! I was startled and I asked him what did he meant.
He said: “Though I only came to you just today, you’ve been always with your shadow, you know it” I replied back: “Hey iam not sure but do you mean that? (Avatar)” 3 years ago I underwent a total transformation because of an incident that caused me great grief and pain. I wont get to details I’ll just say that I litterally I lost my mind,my character,myself included to the point I fell on a comma.
I was in that state for 7 days and nights. During this time I was visited by a shadow who talked to me about my life and what is ahead of me. So he gave me 2 choices: Die and live in piece and oblivion (Which at the time wanted) or live and suffer the trials ahead.I was almost convinced that death was the best choice since I suffered for the past 7 years from a disease and many attacks both spiritual and physical.
At some point I had abandoned my magical practices and had returned to be a church boy (protestant at that) and because of my suffering I went to several Spiritual Healers only to receive nothing while others was getting healed I mean even my mother did from cancer!. Anyway after some time passed which seemed like a century to me the hooded man replied again:
“What it will be? Life or Death?”
I harnessed every last drop of my will and said: I refuse to give in to this crap!
I dont know who you are, The devil, Satan ,Angel, Grim Reaper I dont give a fuck! I will arise from my ashes and I will rule everything in my life even Death! I dont care who You are I will rule you too! If Iam not worthy then let me be damned about my own powerlesness!! (To be noted at the time I had found E.A.Koettings writings and he had inspired me through his work of Become A Living God!)
Then the hooded man turned at me and revealed his face . I knew that it was an entity guarding me but he had my own face. Then it came! One of the most vivid visions of my life! I was at the depths of the waters,the abyss. I was nude and chained and I wept and cried and I was enraged with the God to whom I had devoted my life since my childhood. Then suddenly I saw something falling at great speed down to me.
It seemed Like an angel thats what I assumed since it had wings. It was also chained and a terrifying being. It had many eyes even on its wings and a great mouth with teeth locking each on another. When it opened its mouth I heard the most beautiful and melodic song in my life though I knew it was a sad one. I asked whats your name in tears.
It opened all its eyes looking at me with great power and rage and said: (Lets call him S) so The momment he told me I said I understand your grief but dont worry to my eyes you are beautiful. That exact momment a great erthquake happend and the water from the abyss was gone. He removed the chains and he hugged me saying now we are one You are me and Iam you for now you are blessed with a true name.
Then he became suddenly verry slim and slender with a great astral costume like armor which had stars on it. It was almost looking like Shemahstiel. From that time on he was with me and he made me wake up in perfect health after 4 years!!! He made me stronger and he teached me martial arts and how to use weapons which later on helped me alot in a road attack with knifes from some punks and other attackers hostile towards me fro no apparent reason.
Anyway long story and sorry for the rumbling. I tried many times to call S but he didnt responded what I found out is that our consiousnesess had merged together and I had a source of knowledge that previously I didn’t. So after sometime I noticed that whenever I was in harms way or in danger on the astral due to exposing from some rites that I was unaware of (traveling in astral) a jet black armor was surounding me while a black flame was enveloping me. It almost made any people hostile towards me to run of when it manifested in the physical plane(on an energetic level/emotional level).
One day I was teaching one of my friends how to undergo a journey and it happend that a lame ass punk was watching because he was doubting. So I closed the lights and when 2 minutes passed and my form manifested he said he was seeing many eyes and black flames surounding the area of the bed and that they were coming from me. Until then noone knew about this.
I knew That something was there and I could partially controll it somehow.
So back again I saw Shemahstiel and he said to me to jump and take on my true form since he already knew me by my real name and being. I trusted him and jumped. I found myself in an open field with a verry big tree on the center it was verry bright due to sunlight and he said : "Now you walk on both sides consciously. Quickly use the shades!"
The momment I thought about it I vanished into thin air in a semiblack dust-thing and then teleported under the tree.
Last thing I saw was Shemahstiel hanging upside down the sky in a shadow entrance (I know it sounds stupid) and he gave me the impression he was laughing, in a good manner like he was pleased. He said to me lastly:
“You made it, now you understand a little better the balance! Rest for these days you need it. We will speak again~ Oh Also check your body with your flame just put your right hand at your heart and you’ll see~”
I followed his advice and when I did it I suddenly felt my blood going through my veins I could hear a sound like a running water through pipes! I saw and felt my heart, the movemnt of the heart and the circulation of blood. Then It suddenly rushed up in my head and brain and in the nerves it was quite vivid and a shocking experience! I thanked him once agin and the left the bath. Iam looking forward to the next lesson and as soon as it happens Ill post it!