Getting Over The Fear of Insanity .. A bit on my journey with evocation, possession, deity work

I’m 22 living in Appalachia. I also have severe anxiety but it’s pretty much ingrained itself into my life at this point. I had to watch my back all the time as a kid, so it’s taken me some time to learn how to relax. Meanwhile, I have a hard time staying on top of myself sometimes because I’m neurodivergent. I’m not making excuses, just explaining a bit for context. Neurodivergence plays a big role in the anxiety. Majick has helped me learn how to transmute it, though. I’m giving myself a pat on the back because I can definitely see progress in myself, as can my friends. Which is all that matters!

I’m my own worst critic, which serves me well but I keep hitting this wall of paralyzing fear surrounding the loss of my mind. It feels like I get taken into depths of destruction and I’m scared I’m going to get stuck there forever but I know I’ll always come out changed and better. It’s nerve wrecking though because I know I can expect more difficulties than I’ve already faced, which makes me sick to my stomach sometimes cause I don’t know what to expect (probs some remnants of CPTSD). I also struggle with feeling like I don’t deserve to be as powerful as I know I can be. Almost as if I’m scared of my own potential.

I think too much about other people’s suffering and find myself shrinking myself to avoid making anybody feel lesser than me. I feel like my whole life and so many in my life is catered around political discussion, and I’m having a hard time understanding that I don’t have to constantly be considering politics. I view things so much from the collective that I have a hard time bringing it back to self. That’s something I gotta get the FUCK over. Am working on it.

I am very very new to working with the gatekeepers. My journey in majick has been a bit slow. I joined a Wiccan coven at 18, then I spent a few years studying with a local mystery school here in Appalachia practicing animistic witchcraft. I’m no longer with that group but still work with Mother Appalachia and the land spirits here. I experienced my first possession last year when we hosted a public ritual, and Mother Appalachia was drawn into my body. She left a piece of herself with me, so I am paralleling that experience now with my new journey with the gatekeepers. I know what to expect as far as the sensations of synthesizing with spirit wisdom. It’s not that I feel like they are Gods or masters over me, but there is that mystery of them having knowledge that I don’t have that stumps me. Is that not a natural hierarchy in itself, when something besides you can tell you about yourself?

But such is the nature of life. It’s revealing significant flawed thinking of my part. Still, I wonder, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOUUUU” to these entities. Haha I am always respectful when I’m working with them majickally, but it’s not always that serious. Sometimes they are hilarious and smart asses. I think they like that I chat with them just like I would anybody else. It feels weird and unnantural to put on a big performance sometimes. But then, there are other times where I feel like I’m a full-on trance.

I can feel my practice in my metabolic system. It’s a drug of its own kind. 2020 and taking psychedelics for the first time helped even more by opening up preceptors I’d never experienced. I’d been so heartbroken because my whole life I’ve been able to feel the spirits but hadn’t seen nor heard any of them. Others I know can see and hear them, and that’s bummed me. I finally had physical contact this year, but it was random and not from intentional evocation on my part. One instance was a 6-7 foot tall blue flash of winged light by a light pole one night as I was smoking and bitching about being the lamest non-spirit-seeing witch. The other 2 times were with orbs (Separate encounters) that I swear make telepathic connection. The connections were overwhelming and I couldn’t make out any words, just pure fascination with form and actually having a real, sensory experience with them.

Communication usually comes as thought, but sometimes synchronicity, sometimes songs. You find yourself counting numbers and connecting dots like a mad scientist hahaha I know how to distinguish my thoughts from the “downloads” because I’ve been doing it for so long and can feel different sensations in my brain. It still creeps me out sometimes, all these crazy processes that we’re really able to experience. It wasn’t until I started learning formal majick though, and getting my degree in psych and studying neuroscience, that I recognized these processes more for what they are. I’m not a total lunatic, but it’s exhausting existing in a culture where majickal experiences are so blurred with real disorders. And then on top of that, what does that really mean for mentally ill people? Why is one hallucination deemed spiritual or religious, when another is a symptom of a mental disorder? That just goes to show how little psychological research there is surrounding majick, evocation, possession, etc. There’s a huge lack of religious research altogether because it is hard to find measures for things like “faith.”

So, there’s the looming insanity over my shoulder. That’s been one of my worst fears, I think. Being hysteric, crazy, totally pathetic in the eyes of the public. Just being unwanted and unheard. Belial is helping me work through this, also my continued connection to the Appalachian spirits. It’s been a painful process seeing how much I stab my own self in the back sometimes. But I’m learning the value of these peaks and valleys. The occasional bout of depression is easier to manage because I know something really good is gonna follow-up. But if I ever want change, I can expect death. The true strength it takes to walk this path is becoming more and more apparent, so to all of you who walk with this way so loyally, I am in awe of you and am honored to be exposed to your majickal wisdom! It is so beyond helpful to newbies like myself.

I don’t know why, but here lately I’ve been feeling a weird block because I’m like, “How much better can it get?” I realistically cannot imagine how my life is going to change much more than it already has. It seems as if the possibilities have run out for me, which is a weird feeling. I know it’s not true. You just can’t see past that black abyss until you do lol I’m being drawn closer to feeling every inching passing of time and embodying the moment more. I feel more alive than I ever have. I was cutting potatoes earlier for dinner crying like a damned fool over how beautiful I thought they were LOL maybe that’s the value of the suffering, though. It’ helps you appreciate the simple beauty of small acts like chopping potatoes and the fun value of tasty nutrition. I love eating!!!

It really does make life a million times more enchanting than what it seems like at face value. It’s so bizarre. I constantly find myself in awe of my own body. Dissociation will do that to you. I spent so much time in high school having panic attacks and literally being disgusted at the thought of my beating heart. I would imagine all the blood and guts in me, and I had seen some gruesome best gore videos that shocked my system as far as the reality of our form. The blood, the wretchery, the violence. It seemed unnatural, and I couldn’t believe my body would be able to be inflicted against my will. Thankfully my art and music and writing helps me channel all of those absurdities. If I didn’t have music, I seriously don’t know what life would be.

There is a top-hat entity from the Appalachian animistic group I worked with before. Also my great grandfather, Lucian. I’ve been heavily connecting to this figure and learning about him. It seems like there’s parallels in figures sometimes. I’ve been researching Carl Jung’s archetypes more so for this reason. I’ve seen reference to Baron Samedi but I do not practice Vodou. As I mentioned, we have an entity here in Appalachia that personifies a top-hat presence so his character is very similar but perhaps communicated through a different culture. He’s going to show me how to amplify my performance, though.

He’s very theatrical. He loves to put on a show. If you’ve never heard of the Garden Twins, check them out. Music is great, and their energy reminds me of him. Mirror Might Steal Your Charm is an amazing album. This entity is a bit more backwoods though. Lol. The region I’m from is very snaky hollers and rock mountainside // river living. Do you guys ever wonder if the entities are akin to simulation codes that can engage with us based on inputs we feed it, to which it responds in whatever way we can make sense of it?

And this is why you can see similar characters in various traditions? I’m a pretty logical thinker despite being also being a creative and visual thinker, so it’s confusing sometimes to let myself go through with evocation because I’m so skeptical lol It sounds stupid to say that at this point with all the evidence I have, but again – I’m mostly just scared of my potential I think. What if I finally learn how to manifest a spirit physically on command, but I get addicted or become a shit storm? I’m too scared of hurting people, but here lately I’ve been getting mad and not giving a fuck. And that’s been helping tremendously! It feels incorrect, but that’s just a symptom of having to recondition my previous codependent and Freewill Baptist convictions haha

My best friend told me about the reversal baptism this past summer before I even found BALG. She went down to Nolichucky river and helped me with the ritual. I’m thankful for it. It helped to break a lot of those chains of illusion.

I don’t know how angelic majick correlates with demonic majick. I’m still new to the terminology and want to better educate myself before I spout off too much. I got deep into theosophy and Agni Yoga in 2020, as well as kundalini and angelic majick. That’s something I want to see if I can experiment with combining with my new Qliphoth pathworking. Appalachia has heavy Christian culture, so I find myself still being drawn heavily to Mary Magdalene, Yeshua, and other Biblical figures. Nonetheless, the Dragon is likewise. I just didn’t realize it til this year. I love the imagery that this playland in my head is manifesting… angels and dragons.

I’m creating my own world of sorts. That’s what my mentor told me would happen. We call it the Hurdy Gurdy. My Hurdy Gurdy is my world, Spookywood. There’s so much info that’s been coming in. It’s overwhelming sometimes. I keep asking myself, “How much fucking deeper does it get?” And they all just laugh lololol

Y’all get it.

I’ve really enjoyed the forum posts on here so far. It’s refreshing to have a community to engage with practitioners in this way. It certainly helps with the anxiety. Majick, ritual, etc. all is so amazing and transformational, but nothing is quite like the company of majickal people. Real, flesh and blood, messy humans. I appreciate you all being willing to openly communicate very stigmatized and misunderstood forms of majick.

Any other majickal tips on giving myself that extra nudge to keep things moving, or to help myself through those seriously irritating spells of sluggish self-sabotage? I’m definitely improving on my own and with the help of majick, but I’d love to hear anybody else’s thoughts or experiences on establishing more trust in the process, or any deities that have helped you? I just wonder how long they’re going to have to keep asking me when I’m going to really seriously believe this is really serious real. Haha I know that it is, but there’s so many things I still don’t understand so it all seems absolutely insane sometimes. I’m learning how to keep trusting this waving current.

I feel like getting closer to the goddesses will help. My mother is a raging narcissist and so I’ve struggled with feeling connected with women and prefer masculine energy, but it’s apparent that I need to explore infernal femininity more intimately. That absence of womanly energy in my life has created a newer a fascination with the mysteries of the dark mother, but I have a hard time connecting to her. I’ve read a lot about Lilith and am wondering if anybody has ever attempted to work with her alongside Mary Magdalene?

Blessings !! 。・::・゚★,。・::・゚☆

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Lilith will help you rise above all your weaknesses and will get you more in tune with yourself along with your feminine energies, i too have a tarnished relationship with my mother so i understand it’s been quite difficult for me but Lilith makes life so much more fulfilling

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