This is what I should have said in the “Introduce your self forum” but was still running a way or chicken to acknowledge.
I’m not so sure how to say this or if it’s even how true it is but as I recall. When I was younger 8 or 9 it seemed like I would I would get attacked by entities, mentally mostly but enough to feel it physically within also, not the sort that leave bruises but internally it was like being torn apart. So I needed a saviour and started praying. Shortly after that it was as thought what I thought was “the holy spirit” showed up and the attacks stoped, things were back to going great.
When I was 12 - 13 one day I started hearing voices which was cool for a short time but went down hill from there. 1 voice narrated my life, reacting to thoughts I had and any action did, while another 1 was subtly snarky and condescending. I realized that when I was silent they would talk but if I talked they shut up. (our chatter was not two way) So I ended up doing it to myself, and still do though toned down to some extent.
Then when I was 14 or so more attacks. This time physical, two “friends”. It tended to wards me being ko’ed or sometimes tko’ed. Back to praying, my great saviour couldn’t or wouldn’t help so I learned to fight. When I could nearly defeat them it became 3 on 1, I genuinely don’t recall if this happened if this happened over a few days, weeks, months it probably wasn’t semesters.
Towards the end this, ended up in a strange state, unconscious externally but conscious with in. My awareness was cut off from outside, it also seemed like god was trying to restore or resuscitate me, my mind had been deleted along with my emotions, I suspected brain damage . Over two weeks I was able to reshape my mind into something existent, then in to something mostly functional (I thought at the time) but spiralled of in to weed, alcohol and tabacco addiction (I’ve dropped two recently)and depression for the next 15 years, fearing change, killing my emotions off should they reappear.
Will perusing the net I stared pay attention spiritual sorts of videos that inspired me, that life could be better, to want better, then that magick was real I could use it to change myself, it was over a couple of months. The chase lead me to JoS then gave up for a bit but bounce back again. then to here.
This is the hole I’m in, I have nearly no emotion, desire or willpower bit know they are necacery , for along time I’ve believed that brain damage could not be undone, thinking if I knew more did better was more faithful / dedicated or practiced I would be more experienced but that tends to be a destructive feed back loop. I have rolled with the psychological model to sum extent forever. I don’t like it that much, it always seemed so limited. One of the reasons I got in to magick was to shift my self through to a spiritual model where entities where real enough to interview my problems. I mean that I can meditate till I see the purple haze and focus on sigils and wait or focus or envision them comeing but maybe there is no one out there. To sum extent I haven’t made my mind up, that may be reason enough. No shrodinger’s spirit so to speak.
My conclusion is, this internal problems can fixed through internal solutions, also aided by external things eg sleep, rest food / medicine. External things can be resolved with external things also aided in part by internal things eg motivation, dedication will power. You claim that we create or own reality and I can see this in bits and pieces, but the major thing I cant shake or ignore is that reality also creates us.
Looking back on what has worked what worked or was accurate I suspect that life is mostly in accordance with faith (some total of what we think) driven by emotion which shapes perception and then the way we act or react, then the results seem to shift. I call this the projector or magic ie using your mind to alter your psyche. Magick being able to affect physical reality through none physical means. I believe there is a supernatural side to life but sorta seem cut off or to out of reach.
I’d ask a more advanced practicener to do a ritual or sent a healing spirit but don’t for two reasons A, I worry that a it will work and I’ll be kicking my self for the wasted 15 years and the extra destruction I did to my self. That’s easily dealt with. B More so that it wont work and that my final hopes I have left will be crushed and realise that there is no hope and that I’m stuck like this. So I leave those doors open.
Upon reflecting it’s not all that bad, figuring out what has happened I notice that I’ve probably evoked demons but because the results or the demons didn’t seem to materialize / with in a week from my first few ever attempts I concluded failure.
Also I recall casting spells and benefiting some of the times. Magick ounce and magic several more.
Upon reflection my life has changed more science I joined up 2 months + 1 week ago than the years before. It’s slow going but a start.
I am going to be a living god, and I am now getting there.