Good to talk with a true friend of mine, my friend I’m staying with. One reason why I once said Goetia was my last hope, was the hope that I could see and hear one, so I could have them discern what happened over the past decade as it pertains to my involvement. My friend and I were talking outside a bar while smoking, and told him about some shared history, and the good and bad of it. Anyone I have had sex with, I see their good and bad. You have to. Because sometimes we can turn that bad to good.
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2-18-2018
Dreams: still up, so none yet.
Physical notes : increase potassium intake.
Mental notes: Did Lesson 1.1 last night for the darkness meditation, and saw the shadows and trees outside writhe and fly and bend.
Beginner pro tip for feeling magnetism – do the Mr Myagi heal leg routine.
Seeing colored energy balls I guess … Like most magic for me … Is a matter of time.
Is there a relation between lucid dreaming and materializing objects? Why? How? How to lucid dream first.
Gateways … Create or structure one. Fuck it … Drill through OAA lessons. Find out what I can do.
This loneliness is crippling, but how can I possibly trust another female? Need to get some money, get a basic step done, and get a hooker and a psychiatrist. Fuck it, why not. Separate sex from emotion, use sex magick and transform.
Talismata: Angelic seals done for a friend.
Rituals: Call Shem Angels for Justin, commune with Lilith, and Lucifer if possible. Fwb ritual to do in daylight hours
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Last edit 12:32 am.
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Been there. The solution: embrace it.
Forget who said it but: once you know an emotion fully, it has no power over you.
Speaking for myself, when I let the loneliness soak in, something really amazing happened. An event, in fact, that sparked my spiritual reawakening.
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One other solution for loneliness - go intentionally crazy:
Walk-through on structuring wards, method can also be used with the above:
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2-18-2018 wrapup
Have felt hopeless and blah most of the day, except when I had a moment of interesting lunacy…
Still cannot see or hear spirits. Not really sure that if this is for me. I just don’t know. I don’t expect to be great at first, but something of loss within me has occurred. Life is pain, how true emogoth.
Well, some have what it takes, some don’t. The only problem with this system is its all based on evocation and soul travel, two things I suck at worse than a newbie mage.
I have questions I want answers to, and that appears to be a pipe dream of having them answered maybe after I’m dead and go to help for eternity, whereon that eternity doubt thetll still get answered. My entire life, nearly dead at birth has amounted to a pile of crap. How difficult does it really need to be for me? I know others have given great support and advice, but why … If I’m going to suck forever, why get hopes up. Just tell it plain, Jane.
On a brighter note, its a clear sky night for me.
Reading an electronics project book, and the usuals.
Probably doing zero magic tonight … Except for a candle incantation after others go to bed.
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Hey man don’t give up.
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2-18-2018 final wrapup
Said Connor Kendall’s sons incantation twice. Once by candlelight outside, outside second time no candles.
Neighbors dog barked thrice each time.
Legs felt cold, same as when calling Lucifer to "guide and protect me and my work, help me find my motivation, and help me see my way through my obstacles so that I can be where I want to be in my life."
But I felt that someone was listening.
Feel generally numb.
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Sounds like something was manifesting big time for ya.
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Pm me?
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2-19-2018
Dreams: None recalled as usual.
Physical notes: Dropped out of magicbfwb and taking it slow, back to basics.
Not expecting anything until it stares me in the face, more an atheist dabbler approach, which makes the most sense to me for me.
Mental Notes:
Sarcasm warning in here randomly.
Wish I’d started magic much earlier in my life.
Wish Id have things come easy magick wise.
Wish I never dated until I was absolutely positive its a person I’d love to wake up to - that loved and supported me no matter what, and that both of us were never dissatisfied, never was disloyal to each other, that didn’t act like as asshole/bitch to each other causing regret and resentment.
On vampirism, I can only hope to be the type of vampiric mage that picks off babies out of the cradle like legends of Moloch, because I’m too insecure to really compete, to let them be a true competitor due to a level playing field.
Wish I had independent income and a place of my own to really do magic.
Wish goetia would have not been a bunch of pissy folks so that I could have worked with them, rather than becomingasuicidalgod, and not taking medication that will through aging become a livingvegetable. Don’t laugh at it til you try it sorta thing.
/sarcasm
Rituals:
None except for prayers to Lucifer and ancient ones this morning before firmly becoming a slight disbelieving athiest.
Meditations:
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2-19-2018 – Tarot meditation I
Tarot meditation on Naamah-
HAMyAN (Hebrew spelling in English)
HAMAAN (Alternate spelling)
Tarot keys by phonetic spelling
IV 0 XII XV XIII
IV QS XII PS XIII
Keywords right to left-
Order Life_Force Reversal Material_Bondage Transformation
Order Severe_Force Reversal Intellectual_Force Transformation
Astrology of the name Naamah right to left-
Aries Air Water Capricorn Scorpio
Aries Virgo_Libra Water Capricorn_Aquarius Scorpio
Analysis-
Scorpio is a Kerubic Water sign, as is Aquarius(relation there between Death and PS). Capricorn is a Cardinal sign (winter solstice), as is Aries (Spring equinox) - these two points indicate transformation from ending to beginning, winter solstice into spring equinox led by death, possible power of reincarnation.
Water and Air pop up, which is interesting due to the Queen of Swords. So we have Life_Force or Severe_Force, following the Law of Reversal, we can either be deadly or energizing, which fits or leads into topic of vampirism. The enochian letter of QS is A, same as Fool is Aleph(A).
Devil and PS both Capricorn, along with Aries are the two cardinal signs. We either have the Agency of Material Bondage (money and success are benefits of Naamah), the more I age, the more money is favored above hormones. Intellectual Property issues give consideration here.
Transformation/Reversal/Order. Turning chaos and imprisonment into order and might.
Severe_Force as opposed to Life_Force is interesting in comparison to vampirism.
Start to finish, we have water leading, (earth or air), water, (air or precipitation), to fire. Water, air, fire - reverse name of name of god, alchemy.
Gematric value of name is 166. Reduces to four, same as the Emperor key 4. Lucifer and Naamah indicated as well.
To rise through the tree, we must transform. We must die to ourselves. We must use our brain as opposed to being shackled like a slave. We must reverse Tue situation we find obstructs our ascension, even to the lowest depth of our subconscious. We then approach the lesser sea, and be open to a new way, or be a storm driven by fierce winds, be submissive or dominant, even though both lead to a new fiery beginning, in which we order and oversee our new life.
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2-19-2018 – Tarot Meditation II
Samael, skipping Lilith as there is no second Justice card in a tarot pack.
Two variants of spelling, Shamael or Samael.
LyAMASh (Hebrew spelling in English)
LyAMAS (Alternate spelling)
Tarot keys by phonetic spelling
XI XV XII 0 XX
XI XV XII 0 XIV
Keywords right to left-
Action-Equilibrium Material_Bondage Reversal Life_Force Judgement
Action-Equilibrium Material_Bondage Reversal Life_Force Verification
Astrology of the name Shamael/Samael right to left-
Libra Capricorn Water Air Fire
Furthered alchemy along with fermentation and sublimation. Two Cardinal, three elemental (though Saturn doubles as Earth and Capricorn is ruled by Saturn).
Libra Capricorn Water Air Sagittarius
Furthered alchemy along with fermentation and sublimation, if we view Sagittarius as elemental fire, so this is an incorrect premise, forget the alchemical stage/process of Sagittarius path.
Two Cardinal, two elemental (though Saturn doubles as Earth and Capricorn is ruled by Saturn) and led by a Mutable sign.
Analysis-
Sagittarius is a mutable fire sign, as it is a bendable sign, though ruler of house of religion and philosophy. Capricorn is a Cardinal sign (winter solstice), as is Libra (Fall equinox) - these two points indicate the progression of the tidal seasons, winter solstice into fall equinox led by verification, possible power of beginning of dogma.
Water and Air pop up, which is interesting due to the two of three alchemy ingredients, possibly three if we let shin lead (fire). So we have Revelation, Life_Force, Reversal, Material Bondage, Action-Equilibrium.
Gematric value of name is (XX leading) 421, reducing to 7, (XIV leading) is 191, reducing to 2.
Whether we start with alchemy or revelation, with life force and reversal, we turn darker, and become a near terrible force of justice. The warden, or the inmate shanking you.
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Interesting
2-19-2018
Mental notes: Spirits are out of my mind for now I guess. Now I think of those who have turned my life Upside down, possibly infected me intentionally with a terminal disease, those who needlessly obstructed relationships, who stole from me and generally caused bad luck with intent for me to be homeless and left for dead while smiling or being two faced.
Cursed … Apparent, isn’t it … Who oh who would do such a thing.
Oh tarot …
Oh … That djinn book … If only I knew how to extract the sigils from an imperfect (odd numbered) square. This is an option as well as other grimoires of mine.