From the ashes of my former self. My journal of self rebuilding and refocusing

This journal will be about my experiences, magical, spiritual, and personal.

Hello, I have decided to write a journal for a few reasons. I want to be more active on the forum as I love how open and helpfull everyone is but also as a way to keep myself on track magickally. I figure if I keep a journal here for all to see, it will motivate me to do more and I can track my progress as well. My grimoire is in a storage unit at the moment.

I would like to add my knowledge to various topics but as of right now I feel I have more work to do before giving advice on anything, so I shall start here as I am rebuilding myself after years of mental turmoil and procrastination.

I am working with Lucifer and Amaymon at the moment and my life is far better than it was about 6 months ago. I feel more confident and grounded instead of out of place and lost all the time. I will update as I am able due to having a busy job atm.


Entry 1. No date specified.

I began chanting while staring at the pentagram. I felt an immediate shift in myself. I felt more centered and powerfull. This lasted a few days for me and still comes and goes. The room looked a little different and I began to see shadows again and different balls of light moving around and into me. I have been seeing more flashes of light coming fron my right hand and in the corner of my eyes at various random times ranging from white to blue and sometimes red. Sometimes with direct vision.

I am used to seeing shadows and find that the more I meditate or do any kind of working they appear more frequently as if observing me at all times. They don’t stay around long, as I notice them they move across the room and leave or move towards me and then leave before actually reaching me. I have noticed that my wand (I like wands) flashes with bright blue energy like a burst of energy is naturally being discharged at random times even when covered up. To me these are signs I am recovering my abilities to see energy with my own eyes and not just my minds eye. My empathic abilities are regaining strength as well.


May 10th 2019.

Not sure what time it was but I was awoken to an energy entering my room which doubles as my temple. The shadows projected onto my wall from ambient light began to thicken and widen. The whole of my room began to grow darker as well. This felt oppressive and negative like it was there to attach itself to me. I had done a burning of any parasites attachment the night before as I was drained 24/7 of all energy. I saw this energy building from my wardrobe. I immediately formed horns with my hands kind of like a horned salute (idk why it just happened) like palpatine shocking luke lol I pointed my hand at the shadow and pushed it back. It tried to form again a minute later and again I pushed it back out and stating it wasn’t welcome and must leave. It has not come back yet.


May 12th 2019

I have begun chanting again to awaken and strengthen my black flame. It felt incredible, probably due to being drained for a few days. I am going to continue this daily as well as some meditation and other excersises.


August 5th 2019

Took a break from everything for a bit due to working and getting sidetracked as usual. Fought off a parasite that attached itself to my mother. She had stomach pain and nausea (we think bad food or dairy) I began to send energy to her to help with the pain as it wasn’t really something to “heal” helping with the pain was my goal. During this session I saw this parasite wrapped around her waist, it was like an octopus but big and red with huge eyes. It did not let go easy and took a good 20 to 30 minutes to remove it from her and then another hour or so to finish it off. It survived multiple burnings from me and wasn’t until I thought of a hellhound randomly that 2 came in and attacked it finally getting rid of it. It took a lot from me that day but her pain and nausea subsided with in an hour or so after that battle and was quickly getting back to normal the next day. This reminded me though that I need to do more and get more serious and meditate more, so if another one shows up or whatever situation takes place I am better prepared for it and stronger as well.

Sept. 26 2019

It has been 3 days since I participated in the Sept. 23 group ritual. I feel more grounded and open since. I also feel a stronger family type connection to the Gatekeepers and feel them more solidly now. It is a strong sense of kinship.
The world looks different to me as well. The lighting of day and night seems brighter and cleaner and the general everyday vibes seem different as well. I felt this the next morning and everything looks more holographic than normal. Almost like being unplugged and plugged back into the matrix of reality yet I feel seperate from this reality as well.

I am going to begin a 3 day ritual from the compendium of Lucifer-Amaymon starting on the 28th. I also need to evoke him still and chat a bit. I am still facing procrastination and am now trying to catch up on what should have been done several months ago.

I am also in a battle against myself. I have done this in the past twice now and each time I have improved myself. The last faceoff with myself worked to remove my self hatred and overwhelming anger. This new one is to take back control of my thoughts fully and shutdown my ocd. It is hard to focus when a constant voice is telling you to do this and that or when chanting or ritual work decides to focus on those you care about and create negative scenes while chanting seperately from yourself. (For those confused, try chanting something simple to increase energy like the itz rachu chant but as you focus and chant a seperate voice interferes and starts focusing on harming a loved one with a seperate chant or even plain english.)

I seem to be either under attack by jci influence or something from that system is creeping in. I have customers pray for me because my name is in their book. Now everywhere I look or go I am surrounded by it and it is most annoying. Especially since it has become harder to focus than usual. Could be me though just being annoyed lol

Anywho, I have a family situation to take care of but not sure how to proceed. I haven’t asked anyone yet but I am leaning towards a binding or servitor to influence said person. There is verbal abuse against children and sometimes it gets physical with both a dog and human child but not to the point of legal intervention.(though technically it is still abuse and pissing me off) If it wasn’t for my sister needing to grow from this which isn’t happening and being pregnant I would split them up. However I will only stand idle for so long.

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Oct 2 2019

Finished the 3 day ritual from the compendium pf Lucifer-Amaymon. The first 2 days were ok I would say. Still have more work to do but some questions were answered about myself and what I need to do next. The 3rd day I was running on 1hr of sleep. It involved speaking with Amon. The ritual template was hard to follow in my circumstances so I did it with a candle and his sigil. I made contact and didn’t really know what else to ask or say so I simply asked what I should do next or if their is a task for me. Amon said to master myself and create a structured system to use, then call us again. I asked about my ocd thoughts and my lack of control over them and if ignoring them would help me gain control. He said yes along with meditation. I said ok, I did this before with other habits but thoughts are a little more difficult and scary at times. Amon stated again that it is what I must do and repeated again about using a structured system. I asked about the other rituals in the compendium as well, should I continue or wait. Amon said to wait until I am ready and then continue, call us again when you are truly ready.

So from here on out I have mental work to do still and know what to focus my time on for now. As far as a structured system goes I will be revisiting my witchcraft roots and go from there. Back to the basics. All in all I still consider this 3 day working successful.


0ct 8 2019

Been feeling a strong pull to Norse magick lately. I haven’t felt it this strong before. I have known about it and tried learning but never comitted myself to it. Now after performing the 3 day ritual and being tasked with creating a structured system for myself along with mastering myself, I feel this pull stronger with each day. I am going to begin this new journey soon and feel like it is the right time.