Forgiving Ourselves

Greetings Folks,

I am aware that as a black magician, one should not have any sort of guilt or remorse concerning what one has done in the ritual chamber. However, there are certain things out of ritual, in the mundane world, that makes it hard to be not guilty & forgive ourselves.

Since this is a non-judgemental community, I will explain the issues that have been bothering me. I still can’t believe it when I say it, but I killed my beloved pet bird on purpose. I have had murderous impulses (not rage) before but it was mainly towards people & I have never, ever considered animals because I have always been a huge animal lover & I am planning to enrol in vet school soon. When the deed happened, I wasn’t there mentally, my mind went blank & I just did it. After it happened, I couldn’t believe what had happened because it all appeared to be so surreal. At that time I used alcohol to numb myself emotionally from that whole incident.

However, the same horrible thing happened again months later when I brought in a wild bird that I had rescued. To clarify, I have always rescued injured wild birds & nursed them back to health before releasing them back into the wild. So what happened this time, really scares me. After the 2nd incident, I couldn’t control myself from breaking down & crying because I couldn’t accept nor belief what I had done.

I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror after that incident & I just can’t forgive myself & move on. I am not concerned with karma, but I it is against my values to abuse/kill an animal without purpose.

I would appreciate if you folks can share techniques/rituals etc. that have helped you with forgiving yourself & any ideas how I can DESTROY that part of me that generates murderous impulses. I know the whole issue may sound trivial, but I have a hard time coping with it because the only living beings that I’ve truly loved would be animals.

I plan on doing a banishing soon, because I suspect that could be astral parasites/wandering spirits in my home or attached to me, considering the fact that I had been clinically depressed for over a year & used to spend significant time in graveyards last year.

I know people will bash me here, but I admit what I did is pretty fucked up & take full responsibility for it.

Just move on. Meditate on what you did and accept that you can’t undo it. And above all, try to have more self control. Focus on the issues that caused you to act the way you did.

I agree with FraterMagni. Self control is a must. Especially with your murderous tendencies. If this gets out of hand then what will be the next thing? Perhaps you should work torwards finding some balance. Working with angels comes to mind.

First I’m going to share something I posted here a couple of years back, because it really worked for me. In 2015 I wrote:

I did a kind of “moral inventory” a while ago as I was beginning to immerse myself in LHP philosophy and as part of it, I rooted out everything I could where my actions had been out of integrity or against my own ethics. In some cases I found I did have redundant programming holding me back, and could actually clear the slate of some things where I’d been carrying a nagging feeling of guilt - and, in other cases, I’d just acted in shitty ways from expediency.

I think 90% of anything, not just magick, is to get your head straight, not to become a perfected person - no such thing - but to know what your strengths and weaknesses are (they’re usually the same thing, but that’s another topic) and what makes you tick, or ticks you off.

Doing it non-judgementally by abandoning all the “shoulds” you may have been given by parents, teachers, politicians and preachers etc., and with a sense of humour and self-compassion, makes it less scary to dig pretty deep and encounter your own peculiarities.

Pazuzu, in your case, maybe making amends of some kind (making donation to a legitimate wildlife charity or something) will help you to close the chapter, because whatever you have going on, carrying around this guilt, and the knowledge you did something so completely at odds wiith your values, seems likely to only destabilise things more?

Once you’ve done that, I agree with the suggestions above, you have more reason than many to achieve mastery of your mind, so meditation beginning with small but daily amounts (even 3 minutes), and also working with highly benevolent beings, like some of the angels and gods.

Are you leading a reasonably healthy, balanced kind of life, with some kind of physical exertion (exercise, sports, long walks, manual work), and eating well (not too much sugar), and do you have a social outlet that’s just for fun, and not anything too heavy, that you can turn to at least every few weeks?

Ask yourself, “If I took a normal happy person and made them live my life for three weeks, would they come out of it pretty much empowered, and feeling like they’d had a good experience?” - and if the answers even slightly “NO!” then do a breakdown of what you need to change, and get started on it.

We don’t all want to live the same way, but sometimes we get pulled along in the flow of things and forget to look at what aspects of our lives may not be that empowering.

Also at some point you may benefit from evoking (in a symbolic form if nothing else) whatever made you do this, and asking it some questions. It may be a parasite or it may be an aspect of yourself (our entire society is so locked down and rpessed about aggression and the urges we ALL have to harm other beings) - that’s maybe something to consider once you feel you’ve turned the page and are moving forward, ideally under the guidance and mentorship of a reliable spirit.

Finally, I should probably do the conventional thing and suggest you speak to a doctor if you feel the urge to hurt other living beings, so I’m just making that statement because it’s the normal advice.

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Thank you everyone for your helpful input, especially Lady Eva. Yea looking back i have never really worked with angels or benevolent gods, but mainly with spirits of a darker nature. Once again I thank you for your invaluable help & I’ll put it into practice right now.

I must say it is refreshing to see someone present a problem they have, ask for advice and then listen to and apply the advice given. Best of luck to you.

If you are considering working/consulting with angels… I suggest Raphael for self healing, Azrael to help with grieving, Ariel to reestablish your protective nature with animals/birds, Haniel on grace/poise/ also healing, Uriel for problem solving, Zadkiel for self forgiveness/emotional healing…

There are also a slew of ascended masters, gods, and goddesses you can look into:
Aine, Buddha, Dana, Devi, Jesus, Lugh, Maat, Saint Francis…
They can help with a range of things from healing, animal compassion, to fighting urges

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Thank you. Yes I used to get extremely valuable advice in this forum from experienced mages and yet I never took it very seriously and didn’t realize the importance of it. But after going through depression, sorting out my life etc. I have finally made the firm commitment to do whatever it takes to gain mastery over myself and in the art of magick.

I feel that youre looking at this the wrong way. I’d advise you accept and embrace that side of yourself rather than destroying it. The more you try to push aspects of yourself away, the more they’ll fight to be part of you.
There’s no shame in being like this and once you accept this I reckon you’ll find it easier to learn self control.

Just had a thought: I’ve been working with a spirit if a Kodiak bear recently. The path its lead me down has focused heavily on accepting all aspects of yourself and gaining strength and self control from that.
There was, obviously, other things but I think that part might be useful to you.

[quote=“Neploth, post:9, topic:9546”]I feel that youre looking at this the wrong way. I’d advise you accept and embrace that side of yourself rather than destroying it. The more you try to push aspects of yourself away, the more they’ll fight to be part of you.
There’s no shame in being like this and once you accept this I reckon you’ll find it easier to learn self control.[/quote]

hmmm…maybe I stated it wrongly. My main aim is to control that part in me that wants to physically kill animals…But what you said about the ‘suppressing of aspects’ is true as I have experienced it first hand.
Anyways, Thanks for the helpful Input!

The idea would be to not be controlled by the urge to kill. Do you hunt? That could be an outlet.

No I do not hunt. In fact I have never abused or killed animals in my life, its just that it happened so suddenly those 2 times and I felt mentally blank when I killed them

I don’t hunt for sport or sick satisfaction of killing another being. I hunt for food and to connect myself with nature. I become a predator stalking my game. I eat the meat which is better than what you purchase in a grocery store and I tan the hides. I thank the animal for it’s body and ask it to rest in peace.

I care for animals as well. I will take in injured birds. I have even had the pleasure of looking after a pair of young kestrels for a week until I could get them to a licensed wildlife rehabilitator.

Hunting is not for everyone, but there is a great deal of respect in it.

No, I can totally understand your point. I live in an area where hunting is not feasible, but yes, hunting an animal is 100000x better than an animal being cruelly slaughtered in slaughter houses as the suffering is so high and they are not treated with respect (at least most humans)

perhaps ask fenris for help.

Ariel? Birds!

Wooooooooooooo! I needed to find this list today.

Smoochie. Smoochie my friend. :kiss::heartbeat::kiss: