I am aware that as a black magician, one should not have any sort of guilt or remorse concerning what one has done in the ritual chamber. However, there are certain things out of ritual, in the mundane world, that makes it hard to be not guilty & forgive ourselves.
Since this is a non-judgemental community, I will explain the issues that have been bothering me. I still can’t believe it when I say it, but I killed my beloved pet bird on purpose. I have had murderous impulses (not rage) before but it was mainly towards people & I have never, ever considered animals because I have always been a huge animal lover & I am planning to enrol in vet school soon. When the deed happened, I wasn’t there mentally, my mind went blank & I just did it. After it happened, I couldn’t believe what had happened because it all appeared to be so surreal. At that time I used alcohol to numb myself emotionally from that whole incident.
However, the same horrible thing happened again months later when I brought in a wild bird that I had rescued. To clarify, I have always rescued injured wild birds & nursed them back to health before releasing them back into the wild. So what happened this time, really scares me. After the 2nd incident, I couldn’t control myself from breaking down & crying because I couldn’t accept nor belief what I had done.
I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror after that incident & I just can’t forgive myself & move on. I am not concerned with karma, but I it is against my values to abuse/kill an animal without purpose.
I would appreciate if you folks can share techniques/rituals etc. that have helped you with forgiving yourself & any ideas how I can DESTROY that part of me that generates murderous impulses. I know the whole issue may sound trivial, but I have a hard time coping with it because the only living beings that I’ve truly loved would be animals.
I plan on doing a banishing soon, because I suspect that could be astral parasites/wandering spirits in my home or attached to me, considering the fact that I had been clinically depressed for over a year & used to spend significant time in graveyards last year.
I know people will bash me here, but I admit what I did is pretty fucked up & take full responsibility for it.