Finding my lost self journal

I rarely post topics but ever since I had a certian ritual done I keep feeling a stronger pull to push farther then I have been, push more boundaries then I usually would.

Once I thought I knew who I was, now I know there’s so much more I need to do. More has opened to me. Calls to paths I once never even would have dreamed of. This will truly be me finding my lost self.

I have stated openly on here at one point in my life my ex husband did much damage, well I overcame that and now time to go back to who I was and go even farther then I ever have before.

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Interesting journey so far. Interested in seeing your progress going forward.

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Very much having a reoccurring dream now. It’s been the same every night except when I didn’t sleep which is obvious. Up in the air if I should journal it. Might later or tomorrow if I have it again.

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Ok so I still have the dream.

It has to do with a mansion, it’s beautiful but looks Victorian. I’m seeing it through the eyes of the woman. Once there the man is kind and has the weird pull to him, it’s like you know your not going to ever escape, yet you’re not afraid. Almost trance like she enters and is greeted gracefully by the master. The place is heavily surrounded by woods. Wolves are very prominent like they are pets. Eventually another woman comes into play and is seen. She’s very happy and takes the new woman under her wing to show her the ropes so to speak.

The more I have it the more it adds on. It’s interesting to see.

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I keep having a dream about a castle. There’s a man I know really well and children and other women there. It’s really interesting you call the mansion Victorian makes me think of something you would see in the U.K. that’s the style of the castle I see granted I only really know British castles since that the history I have always been drawn to.

I wonder if the house you see is like the ones that magically appeared in Tarpon. Remember how I said I never seen the four of them before.

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I do remember. Its odd were having something similar it would seem yet different. That makes me wonder. We should compare more and see what all is in common.

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So I’m not doing to great right now. Either my energy is built up to fast or I’m becoming physically ill arm. Either way take the Damn migraine away. Time for my herbs.

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I just try to piece as I go. Right now I’m on a massive rollercoaster. Great things are happening and then things plummet again. One minute I am yea I got this. (Friend did a thing for me and it’s helped greatly.)

Next thing I feel like im rock bottom again I just want to say Fuck it all. Then like a fucking moth im drawn back.

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Ok so last night in another sleep deprivation night weird shit happened. Now it is making sense but not. I know I keep seeing Belial sigil. I keep seeing it hearing what I swear is him. I’ll keep meditating and delving deeper into this. Time for even more research.

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Still keep having the dream of a man with long hair, blue eyes yet they seem like a void. It still happens after seeing Belial’s Sigil flashing. Will continue connecting and reaching out. I’m positive his sigil and that image are connected. I don’t stay asleep long and constantly wake at weird intervals. Still averaging maybe 3 hours a night. I won’t stop I’ll keep pushing.

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It’s been awhile sense I posted here. Trying to put on the Happy fucking face daily just makes mind go deeper into why fucking try anymore. No fucking time to self to even try to continue.

At least I go back to work tomorrow but now it just means 12 hour shifts again then continue doing everything in parents house alone while taking care of child.

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I’m doing a shitty ass job at finding myself right now. I’ve even contemplated giving up

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Dont give up, you can do this! We all go through crazy shit that makes us not want to go on, yet somehow we find a way to keep going. You can do this for your kid and for yourself.
Besides you’ve come to far to stop now, your to damn stubborn to quit. If you ever need or want to talk my inbox is open.

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Ok so I keep having weird dreams again. I’m not one to jump going OHHHH A MESSAGE. I want to decipher if it is.

The backgrounds pitch black with what appears to be flickering lights. Faintly I hear someone speaking. At first I can not make it out. I ask what are you saying? Who are you? I never get an direct answer.

I start walking and it leads to a blurry figure. A voice begins to say join me. Then as if time jumps next thing I know someone’s trying to exorcise me and I just keep telling them… It won’t work… Then I wake up and am like Wtf. I will delve deeper as I’m not convinced these are not thought forms.

Think of the demon you work most with. I think it is you letting go over your up bringing and embracing the future. It’s not a thought form but it isn’t a vision either. I mentally work things out like this too when I need to come to terms with things.

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I have to do it this way. I have 2 major demons I am working with as you know. Granted one more then others. (I’ve been doing magick years not Giving away my age so I won’t say how long publicly) It took me hell of a long time to even do what I am now.

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I think you workout stuff the same why I do. I always work everything out in my dreams.

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That makes sense. We’ve talked about things like this. It’s just weird I have to figure this out. It bugs me

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Are you familiar with your Higher Self?

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