Feeling Trapped

I’m feeling very lost and alone, and that I’m trapped in a life I despise. I don’t know what to do and I guess this is me calling out for help.

I’ve got depression, and right now it’s really bad, to the point that my whole fucking body hurts all the time and I just want this misery to stop. I know how that sounds, and the answer is yes, I’ve thought about suicide. There are essentially 3 things stopping me - worrying what will happen to my family, worrying what will happen to my cats (one of which is diabetic and need expensive care), and the fact that I’m absolutely terrified of death because I don’t know for sure that it’s not just “lights out” like you just cease to exist forever.

Most of my life revolves around work - as many of you know, I’m a PhD student in biochemistry. I have mixed feelings towards grad school, but right now, they are almost all negative feelings. Experiment after experiment has failed, and a lot of what I’ve been doing looks to be a dead end, through no fault of my own - this is just how things worked out. Although if I’m completely honest, it’s partly because I hate my thesis topic that I was deceived into working on, which is not at all like the project I signed up for.

It’s not like my personal life is much better. The one solitary plus in that category is my very good relationship with my parents, who I’m quite close to. Aside from them, I’ve drifted apart from old friends, and I’m quite socially isolated. I hate most of the people I work with, almost as much as I hate the work itself, and so making friends there is pretty much a dead end.

By the end of each and every weekday, I’m completely exhausted. Much of that has to do with the unfortunate fact that I’ve been landed with an extremely shitty body. Chronic pain from a spinal deformity (severe scoliosis) that, while not visible, compresses several of my disks and gives me extreme nerve pain coupled with muscle pain from my back muscles picking up the slack for my failing spinal column. As a result of that pain, meaningful exercise is nearly impossible, and coupled with my family history of shitty metabolism, that’s caused me to be in very poor shape. Which makes the whole problem worse, and it turns into a vicious cycle.

Now throw in the fact that my magick doesn’t work. I’m still trying to evoke my patron demon, Marbas, to the point of being able to either see him with my own eyes or hear his voice as if it were there with me in the room. I know that’s a lofty goal, but without that I’m cursed to wonder if I’m just talking to myself and slowly going mad. So any help there would be appreciated, although please don’t tell me to “just believe, the demons always come”, because blind faith isn’t my strong suit.

So if life is just day after day of work that I hate, social isolation, pain, and failed magick, what’s the fucking point? I’m at my wit’s end, and I don’t know how to move forward. I’m paralyzed. Help.

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Your not acknowledging the fact you create reality . Go into your heart space and find what you want , and then create it , often times society pushes you into a high paying job , it’s a completely one sided rational way of thinking

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For evocation/invocation, it may be a cliche but that is because it is true, you must improve your meditative skill. Even for properly hearing the voice of your demon (in my experience this only occurs in dire/important situations) you must raise your awareness. I truly believe our energies we work with communicate frequently but many people cannot see the signs or hear the words.
Your fear/stress of everything in your life is extremely valid. Your concerns are real and it is okay to focus on them. It can be hard to focus on magickal study when so much is going on in your mundane life. It can be hard, almost impossible to make time. I try to do a daily shielding with Sehkmet (I do not always get to this) while sitting in the sun, even just in my car outside of work. I try to do a weekly meditative walk around the outside of my work (it is on a river) and just talk to the entities I work with. I do not always get to this either. Life happens and as black witches who actually work very hard for our craft, it can be very frustrating when we feel like we aren’t moving forward.
If you feel hopeless, you need to make time for your practice and to relieve stress. Even if all you can do is take a shower and listen to some enn chants. You need to find a piece of balance for yourself. I am not telling you to “have faith”, far from it. I am telling you to make real time for yourself that matters and furthers your craft.
And don’t be afraid to seek help. Just because we are more aware does not mean we don’t also need guidance, counseling and assistance.

Also, in regards to feeling alone without your friends, I am so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, this is a very common occurrence as we age and grow apart from those we are close to. Especially right now, feeling isolated is extremely rational. Feeling abandoned and alone is real.
It also pulls you into a lower/depressive state. This can make magickal practice even harder. As you feel worse, you push others away, making yourself feel more alone and making yourself even less likely to practice your craft. Your motivation dies and you sink lower. Make quality time for yourself and Marbas. Use your time to connect with Marbas and to explore your feelings/frustrations via shadow work. Give yourself the gift of listening to how you really feel and why. Then move towards healing it. EVERYONE needs to do their shadow work to be an effective witch.

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With your condition, i would of think that you would of chosen something in lines of health study. Physical therapy or natural healing to help with your health. Some kind of posture body mechanics study or related kinesiology would help with management of the pain. That’s what many people with born condition do. It is killing two birds with one stone. Helping one’s health and using the related field to make money.

7 Steps to a Pain-Free Life: How to Rapidly Relieve Back, Neck, and Shoulder Pain by Robin McKenzie and 8 Steps to a Pain-Free Back: Natural Posture Solutions for Pain in the Back, Neck, Shoulder, Hip, Knee, and Foot by ester gokhale are 2 great books on understanding posture pain and how to have good habits. It might not tailor to your spine issue but at least you’ll know why pain is there. Part of knowing why helps with figuring out methods to help release pain. check these two books out if you haven’t already.

As for exercise, you can do tai chi for low impact or isometric power revolution by john peterson for strength training. No excuse to exercise. It can be done anywhere with choice of intensity and is safe. You control the exercise of what muscle and intensity. tailor made…

http://www.thespinaltouch.com/ might be good for you spine treatment. i don’t know the cause or how severe your spine is but it don’t hurt to get more knowledge about posture spine health. Some people with severe spine issues get relief or do get lucky. Each individual is different… this treatment has help many spine issue folks. It makes scientific sense too. yes, i took the training. it’s awesome method.

You should never choose something you don’t want to study as it will not be a good motivation to pursue that career after you graduate. You have to think about your future. What degree title will make you money. Money can help with your health and freedom as well as opportunity to make friends.

worry cause pain and kills your health. You need to make a chart or plan of what needs to be done for your life. your health etc… Especially when you know you have health issues. Step by step outline and goals is important for you. It helps guide and keep you focus.

Not much to life. Make money , get basics living needs met. Use free time to focus on improving health . Socialize if you can after getting basic needs met or do it concurrently… Your in college so that’s best time to meet people and network. Don’t be stuck in a lab. It’s about balance. If you don’t take the initiative , you won’t end up having friends. Your surrounded by students in college environment. Your future income is dependent on people networks and title of your degree and what’s in demand.

I’m in a situation similar to yours. I fear that the difficulties of life will make the magical experience even more frustrating, because if you are sick you lack the concentration necessary to be successful in magic. I can only tell you that you have all my understanding and I hope in someone who intervenes to give you an answer that will also be useful for you and others in our situation. Thanks for sharing.

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Let start on one thing at a time. Talk to me let start with your health, any medication have you talk to your doctor and did he point you to a doctor who specialize in the pain your feeling.I understand you have alot on your plate but we can only go through so much at once.If you already went to a doctor who specialize with your pains,have you consider surgery to correct your ills.

@thestrangescientist Sorry to hear what you’re going through it’s a lot. We both know that at this stage of the game changing the thesis topic may not be feasible especially if that means a whole new admissions process or a lengthening of a program which may have strict term limits. I think the best option is to grin and bear it so as to complete the PhD soon. You really don’t want to be an ABD. Plus with the PhD in hand it may give you more opportunities to meet new people etc.

I think that in these situations it’s best to be grateful for what is actually going good in your life because trust me it could be much worse. Marbas not working out for you try working with another demon or try working with angels instead.

I’ve been having some terrible back pain myself I feel stress has exacerbated my back pain. Interestingly I also have scoliosis I just found out last year. So I can relate a bit to what you’re going through. What are the doctors saying about your back issues? Have you thought about working with certain healing spirits to ease the pain? The book I quoted seems good too.

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Im 100% with you. I feel stuck with a shitty job that sucks all my time and makes me feel dead by the time my shift is over. Depression that hurts us physically, anxiety that makes me itchy all over. My magick is failing (or at least not helping make me feel better before it makes me suffer a lot more). I wont kill myself because I will not allow it but I admit my mind goes there more than Id like simply because it can find no other way to get out of my situation.

Fuck I even have scoliosis too. I can feel it isnt getting any better with age either.

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Yes, because I don’t have direct evidence of that fact. That’s not to say I don’t believe you - of course I do, and academically I endorse a position called panprotopsychism which argues that thoughts and physical reality both emerge from a neutral third substance. That implies that thoughts can shape physical reality in the same way that physical reality can shape thoughts. However, that’s not enough to convince my subconscious, which is hardwired to need to ‘see to believe’, thus why I went into science in the first place. The cure to my problem would be directly experiencing some incontrovertible phenomenon that my subconscious can’t resolve without accepting that absolute materialism is false.

You’re right, it’s important to define what we honestly want. For me, here are some of the big ticket items:

  1. To be comfortable in my body, which would mean healing my back, losing a fair bit of weight, gaining muscle, and also the strange part which is having physical features characteristic of my contheriotype (I am a contherian, meaning I spiritually identify as part animal continuously).
  2. To not have to face my own mortality, and that of those I love, without first knowing what happens when we die. This is the logic behind why I went into the biological sciences - my research is in the biology of ageing. I aimed to buy more time. I failed.
  3. To find something meaningful to do with my life that can also earn me a decent living. I’m divorced and have zero buffer, which at this point is 90% of the reason why I don’t quit grad school right now - I need the money.

@LaStrega You’re right that it’ll be necessary to improve my meditative skill, but the hurdle to overcome is this: if you could hear the inside of my mind, it’s so loud that it’s deafening. So many thoughts about everything you can think of just jumbled around in there. They are impossibly distracting. What do I do to get over that?

I used to do this regularly when I was doing my undergrad degree - the university I went to bordered a large forest that I would take walks in during lunchtime. There was this clearing I used to go to, that probably very few people knew about because it was off an unmarked trail, where I would go to collect my thoughts and feel more in tune with the subtle world. Alas, in grad school my lab is in the biggest city here, which I’ve come to call the ‘concrete jungle’ - there’s zero greenery and just concrete skyscraper after concrete skyscraper. I hate it. But I may take your suggestion and try to take a small detour on the way into the city to a place I know with a woods and lake.

I’ve ordered a brass engraved pendant with Marbas’ sigil for exactly this reason - to be able to wear his seal and connect with him through it any time I have a moment to myself, and to have him as an ongoing presence at all times in my life. I also mean it to act as a kind of stable portal, a doorway between this physical world and the spirit world Marbas inhabits.
But you’re right, I need to make time to have time, and I like the idea of enn chants during my morning getting ready routine - I’m definitely going to do this.

I didn’t actually know this term up until you using it, but I just looked it up, and that makes perfect sense. I found an article with an overview of what shadow work is and the techniques used to do it - is this essentially what you mean, and are there other resources you would recommend?


@anon37593562 I hadn’t thought of tai chi, but that’s a great idea! I will look up that book and give it a read. As for spine health, unfortunately good posture is not physically possible for me… my spine is physically rotated along its length by about 45 degrees. I do have several doctors, one of which prescribes heavy painkillers (tramadol, which is an opioid) that help immensely, but it’s not enough. Another of my doctors is an interventional anesthesiologist who is in the process of diagnosing which nerves my pain comes from so that he can kill them by RF ablation, and may try epidural injections too. My back is unfortunately really, really bad.


Yes, and if there was a surgery to fix my back, I would jump at the opportunity. The only surgery available here for my scoliosis is spinal fusion (they fuse your vertebrae into one big bone after repositioning them), which my surgeon openly admitted increases pain in about half of patients and is mostly cosmetic. The one other surgical procedure is called vertebral body tethering (VBT) which is much newer, but there are no surgeons here who know how to do it yet, and I can’t travel out of province because then I’d have to pay out of pocket which I can’t do. I’m just hoping VBT becomes available here eventually.


@sailing Thanks, I appreciate that. Yeah, I agree - I’ve got to just push through this and finish. I had a bad week last week after finding out that results I got from a 2-week experiment were bullshit/just artifact, but I’m thinking a little more clearly now and I have an idea about what went wrong. You sound like you’ve been to grad school too - what subject did you do?

I’m sorry about your back too, I know how much it sucks. My doctors say that I’ve got thoracolumbar scoliosis with both curves of the S-curve being around 45 degrees, and I’ve also got resulting disc compression with facet nerve impingement, plus muscle strain from my back muscles trying to stabilize my body when my spine fails to do so. The surgeon and one interventional anesthesiologist basically told me my options were bad and I’m stuck with opioid painkillers that I get from the pain clinic I go to. I have a new interventional anesthesiologist that’s experimenting with nerve blocks to find the nerves causing my pain so he can kill them by RF ablation, and if that doesn’t work out, we may try some epidurals.

Yes - on my to-do list is a possession rite with Marbas, who among other things is a healing spirit. I’ve ordered a sigil pendant with his sigil to use, and I’m also ordering storax incense (his preferred incense) and orange candles (his colour) for that. I’m a little nervous because possession is serious business and I’ve never done this before, but I put a lot of trust in Marbas, and I figure this is worth any risk if he can help.


@ErisKissedMeIntoFrog Sorry to hear about your back - you should look into a newer surgical technique called vertebral body tethering (VBT). There aren’t any surgeons where I am that do it, but maybe there are some near you.

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There is, no other way, around meditation… Tibetan yogis and monks, meditate, for years and years to achieve quiessence…you have to go through the pain… Quit a lot of words and theory… This stuff is practical.dont try to explain everything… Ignore thoughts and, your identity… Spirits can help but that, too will take, “time”
And if you have a, thicker dharma to overcome then only persistence, will get you through… Set aside daily 30mins to one, hour communing invoking and making contact, with a, spirit… Build a, rapport before, trying to, ask for stuff… Get to know the spirit ask for signs of their presence… Remember it will come is subtle ways

Lol you can’t, see him with your two eyes​:joy::joy:from what I know them two eyes don’t see shit… You must have the lifted eye… Hence you must practise if you want such a, thing to even happen… You must constantly learn how, to switch, your attention from the robotic left brain activities and try tapping your subconscious through meditation…
And its, not the spirits fault its yours… He, can, only try to meet your efforts but halfway. Otherwise, for now, you have to work with what you have… You have to pretend that you can, actually feel his, presence… Use your visualisation… Become a, kid… Fantasize then eventually you will, get, a, pop in your psychic censor… Don’t rush things.

for tai chi https://www.valleyspiritarts.com/shop/tai-chi-changes-64-posture-taijiquan-form-based-on-the-i-ching/ It’s not too long or short. And great instructions that you can learn from the book due to illustrations. Most tai chi styles are the same. just different order. If need be you can do youtube search for the name of each forms if you need to see it in motion. It’s till wise to get the books.

And of course this one for the energy aspects. Core must in any tai chi or soft energy arts. https://www.valleyspiritarts.com/shop/tai-ji-qi/

Plenty other stuff on his site but those are the two i recommend if one is to start doing tai chi. tai chi will help with the many mental issues distractions you have too. IT gots so many benefits. You’ll know when you practice it.

Some people get great results with posture work. The books i recommend is gear toward fixing the issue. It’s more knowledge and self care. Not just learning good posture. The spinal touch is about reprogramming muscles to relax through soft tissue work. Understanding the kinesiology and mechanics of spine helps. And those books explains important stuff if you haven’t done research on topic yet. I’m not fan of drugs.

Being a massage therapist , i see many people with chronic pain and doctor recommend surgery. History has proven surgery most likely isn’t the issue that fix their back pain . it’s condition muscle tensing and never letting it heal from past trauma injuries affecting posture. domino effect. I’ve done many bodywork to help get rid of muscles tension which cause posture issue. Your case is different as it’s scoliosis and been there for long time. I’ve work on some people with scoliosis and massage bodywork do help them as well as energywork. Too bad they don’t want to learn it . they rather get me to massage them . haha. They would of better help themselves if they learn about their bodies. Most don’t learn about body’s function. They want me to fix their pain. I can only do so much in a monthly session. Self care is best care as your body is the feedback and you have direct feedback. I just know how to help with pain issue ,but not as good as those doing self care with proper knowledge…

some people have been misdiagnose with scoliosis too from poor posture long term. i’m no doctor but they somehow fix their spine issue when trauma has been release through hypnosis , energy work or bodywork or whatever method that release their past trauma. Sometimes doctors make it worse with drug and surgery where you can’t reverse damage. Each case is different. Some people have pretty curve spine and when treated with spinal touch it got lots better. Sometimes is poison from bad chemical intake of metals that is still in spine. Might need flush out toxins. Tough to say.

Basically it’s muscle program wrong to pull spine out of place. Too long and it’s hard to reverse cuz of shorten muscles. Take time to lengthen and balance spine. Tai chi can help for sure as it’s also considered self chiropractic spine adjustment. But have to be ongoing practice. what has condition for yrs can’t be fix in a day or month. It’s realistic that it takes time for muscles to lengthen and grow as well as reprogram it. It’s a push pull thing.

I’m no doctor so just take my suggestion as stories that i’ve personally seen. It’s always good to get professional doctor opinion yet still you have to question them and get 2nd or 3rd opinions. It’s getting the only one opinion and following it blindly that cause trouble.

As for back pain, I wonder how much posture is concerned … or what we eat. Having a breakfast with kellogg’s “cereals” (in reality, it is sugar, glucose syrup and fructose … and a small amount of cereals processed with aspartame and other toxic substances) and milk suffered from back pain, regardless of the whether or not I was attentive to posture. Since I have breakfast with eggs and a fruit I don’t know what back pain is … even if I take the most unlikely postures. Eggs are the food with the highest biological value, and therefore more than others capable of regenerating worn-out tissues (anabolism). By changing my diet, by simply adding more protein and without demonizing certain foods, I am also cured of severe depression. I hope I have been helpful.

Enoch B. Petrucelly’s “Book of Soul Retrieval” helped me with both my meditative skills (my mind wanders/my thoughts won’t shut up) and also with some shadow work. Shadow work is all about going within to uncover the root of past traumas and reconciling with same. So many of our own inner bs blocks us. The first book I used to work on my shadow work (I was 15 mind you and it is a RHP book) was “Dark Moon Mysteries” by Timothy Roderick.

@strangescientist I studied business. I’m glad you found out what went wrong and that you are viewing things more positively. Once you graduate I’m sure you will feel awesome.

So it’s funny about your post…it made me realize I needed to really work on my back pain. My pain was getting so bad that when normal breathing was causing me brutal back pain. I went to work on it spiritually that next day after you posted. This is what I did I put two tablespoons of basil in bay rum, Florida water and kananga water then I massaged it several times into the area. I also used Adam blackthorn’s book Sigils of Power and Transformation sigil to heal sore bones and joints.

Mind you I was using the basil mix for weeks without lasting results. Adam’s sigil started working the two days after I used it. Today I’m happy to say that while the pain is not gone it’s roughly 75% gone. I think you should get the book and try it.

My scoliosis is mild I would have to look on my X-ray results to tell you the degrees don’t know them offhand.

I really think the best thing for you to do is have a sunny side up attitude it can’t hurt.

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