So a bit odd of me to say, since I somehow keep generally positive, even in some fucked up shit, but today I woke up feeling genuinely cleared, clean, and deep inside happy. Yesterday I was angry, like mad at myself, mad at who I was and what I was (or rather hadn’t been doing with my life), and I spent the day cleaning my apartment, mad at myself, but then it hit me like a shit ton of bricks, last year at this time my house burned down. I lost what i use to think was me, what would have been important to me, my studio, my business, my molds, my shoes, my bed, my art, my books. I brushed it off after it happened, took it with a laugh of oh well at least i have less to move now. And inside i let that be my emotion to it, and truth be told, a part of me was happy to see what was die, what had been is now gone. There was no going back to that old me, and no matter how hard I tried, or what i could savage out of ash and mud could i be that old me. I had to rebuild. I had become a phoenix, and my baptism into a new life began in the death and flames of my old. Now to say that things have taken a positive upwards turn would be an understatement, but i think that as humans its hard to look at what we do and just take back for a second how far we’ve come. I mean, I’m doing what I wanted to achieve, i own a car, I have a much nicer place, my business is doing so much better, my relationships have grown, more family, and I have a deeper connection in my own understanding of spirituality and where I stand. Maybe the fire is what pushed me into taking steps into magick, instead of being an armchair occultist, but into invocations, evocations, and divination. I don’t think I ever would have, if it wasn’t for seeing with my own eyes, being there in that house while it went up in flames. Maybe it was the ritual on 11/11 that made me realize what had happened, maybe it took a year to process all that was never going to be the same. You cant go back, you can never go back, you have to push forward.
So to any of you out there, even if you don’t realize it at the time, you keep moving forward, human beings didn’t evolve by standing still.