How did i get here? Am i going insane?
Sometimes i think of what i’m thinking and going through these days and if it comes from my family’s trauma with my brother. When i was 14 - 15 years old, I learnt that my older brother have “lost his mind” as they say, due to drug use. Thankfully, throughout these year’s hard work along with medications he have improved a lot and is able to function as a normal healthy individual.
Fast forward, 2-4 months ago I was having the best life i could ever imagine and having some major dreams of mine come true. Also, I found the love of my life during that time period. We meet previous to that within 3 months. Nevertheless, one day i decided it’s time to be truly liberal and practice my own godhood. So, i decided to learn and read as much as possible about magic. I got really interested and passionate about it. Well, as you have guessed it, I started practicing magic practically.
I was so much drawn to Lucifer and his legacy and power. I started calling upon him and doing rituals. Then, instead of everything turning to the better. I got into serious financial issues, then the love of my life decided to leave me. From harmony and partnership, he started perceiving me as manipulative and toxic. I couldn’t understand where was it coming from. Was it me being LHP magician? because he comes from a catholic background! I never got to know the real reasons because deep down i know i offered him my all and so much love that i just wanted to have someone to give to.
However, I learnt sometimes in life we don’t always get the answers we seek. Nonetheless, the struggles and the breakup… have broken me into pieces. It made me fall under a lot of pain that the thought of suicide came to my mind several times. Also, all my love and passion towards Lucifer turned into hate and anger. I suddenly stopped practicing and almost threw all the tools and magical stuff i had. I am grateful i did not proceed with it. Anyway, I have a verbal deal that i offered to Lucifer while working with him as a gift or a sign of appreciation and commitment. I offered him my blood every month on a specific day. As much as i was or is (still not sure if i healed fully) angry i kept my promise and gave him the offering.
Deep down i know I asked of him in a ritual “to break the bonds with those who hold me back”. I know it’s not really his fault, it’s mine. He just gave me what i desired. That was the ultimate lesson that i needed to learn, or he wanted me to learn. Which is to watch my FUCKING words. Technically, i did it to my own self. Going back to the point, so lately I been questioning am I losing my mind? is the pain and feeling of my forehead bones expanding is me losing my mind? is that a sign? is the pain i get every time I meditate or chant a demonic enn on the Ajna chakra (third eye) location is because i’m losing it or is it me enhancing my third eye abilities with these practices and meditations.
Some might say the second option is more applicable. However, I am lost and under a lot of pain. I really do want to keep practicing and developing my arcane senses fully to be able to fully see and hear spirits. But, the thing is when I learnt the “western kind of magic” I was questioning it because its totally different than my cultural background. my cultural magic is related precisely to religion and having to be a devil advocate to practice. its a bit different and hard to explain honestly. So, i questioned in the beginning if the magic i learnt is true/real magic or not. Even though, I have done rituals and i have seen results. I have seen some but not always.
Fast forward, couple weeks ago i started calling upon and building a connection with king Belial for the first time, and 5 days ago approximately I decided he will be the first demonic king that i will make a 90 day pact with. I rushed it a bit because i wanted to make the pact on the first day of Ramadan knowing how holy it is to god or Allah. Let’s say, it was my way of saying FUCK YOU. I was telling myself during the ritual and when i asked him if he accepted my pact! saying “are you going to sign”? but i am the kind of person who would question everything since i suffer from severe anxiety. and anything that is not as clear as 1+1=2 makes me anxious and worries me till i get a clear confirmation on it. and of course, I am keeping my end of the bargain as they say, and i asked couple BALG members and tarot readers to do a reading on this and tell me if he did accept my pact. So far, I didn’t get the results of the readings, still waiting. So, when i hear or such thoughts come to mind i am really afraid from it because i think its me lying to myself and talking to my own self since i am not sure if i developed my senses yet. Sometimes i ask myself, how will i truly know if i developed them and its the spirit talking to me or is it me talking and giving myself with some bullshit thoughts generated by me!?
I am honestly not sure where i truly was going with this… but consider this more of an update on how i have been and my thoughts at the moment. Please feel free to tell me what you think? or if u had a wise advice to give. Thank you.