I lost a very dear friend to suicide two years ago. We were friends from our early teens until his death(early 30’s). He shot himself.
In my dream last night, he and I were in what seemed like a cellar. He was lying against the wall, holding a gun to his head, crying, contemplating suicide.
I was kneeling in front of him, trying to talk him out of it. To my right, there was a troll-like creature speaking over me, encouraging him to pull the trigger. I yelled, begged, told him he was loved, but he was inconsolable. He pulled the trigger. It didn’t work the first time, so he did it again and again and again. When that traumatizing loop was finally over, the troll-creature looked up at me and said, “Now you.” Then I woke up.
My friend and I were close for many reasons, but our bond was solid because we could be brutally honest with each other. We both have battled depression and suicidal thoughts. We battled them together early in our teens, and we were almost always together. When we felt weak, we reached out to the other. I spoke with him a month before he died, but I got a new phone and deleted my facebook after our last conversation, and I didn’t think to exchange numbers with him or anyone else. Then he was gone.
I know he would have reached out to me had I not deleted Facebook or if I had thought to give him my fucking number. That was our thing, keeping the other going. Listening.
That dream has traumatized me for many reasons. Seeing the pain in his face, him crying. Watching it happen over and over. It’s given me guilt that I hadn’t even considered having before. It just occurred to me that I didn’t think of getting his or anyone else’s number before deleting facebook(messenger was life, i rarely texted before deleting fb) and I know he would have called or messaged me had he been able to. It’s hard to break a (nearly) two decade habit.
How do I contact him?
In your opinion, was this his way of telling me he’s still suffering?
I am open to any and all ideas about contacting him. I need to know if he’s okay. I want to tell him I miss him.