It’s flooding here where I am living at the moment so I have had all day to think about, whilst trapped in my apartment, how to explain this because there are many things I cannot say for multiple reasons. So, some of this may be general or unspecified. This is a bit long so I apologize in advance.
Several nights ago I was under severe stress due to a stupid amount of work bearing down on me and I had hit the wall that prevents you to really focus on anything. To get my mind onto other things I attempted to do some simple divination with runes, tarot, or even scrying into fire but I was simply too stressed and worked up to do any of this. So, I decided that I needed to calm down and meditate. I had (and still am) been so busy that I had been neglecting my work through the OAA due to stress and lack of candles but a simple meditation would help me center myself.
I turned off all of the lights in my room and sat down facing south to prepare for the first lesson of the first flame. I had done this multiple times before so it was second-hand to me and more of a relaxent. I closed my eyes and began breathing, letting the black tar build up and then be expelled through my breath. But, after I had done the third exhelation 2 piercing blue, almost saphire, slit eyes appeared in the blackness of my mind for a split second and shot at me before disappearing. This also shocked me out of what I was doing but I contiued through the lessons.
As I neared the end of the lessons, watching a pendulum swing in front of me and occasionally hearing whispers around me I heard a voice in and out of my head chuckle and say to me “Why waste your time going down the same path as everyone else? You’ll only get to the same end as they will.” After this I saw the pendulum in my mind fall and shatter before me and the same piercing saphire blue eyes appear before me. I tried to open my eyes and shock myself back to reality at this point but I just couldnt. I felt almost tranced by what was in front of me. Whatever this was then whispered it’s name, which I will not say here, and then knocked me back into reality. I was literally pushed back in my chair and in a cold sweat. I ran to the lightswitch in my room and turned it on and felt this urge to right this name down.
I wrote it down again and again and again until it began mixing together into an odd mess of letters. I then took the letters apart in certain ways and felt guided in my movements until this extremely complex geometric figure was liad out before me. It was very rough but I felt a sense of dread in it, as if I should stop what I was doing at that moment (while writing this part i’m getting a blistering headache). I then spent an hour transcribing it to correct scale and lines on a piece of graph paper until I had a shape I had never seen before in front of me. Looking into it I could almost begin to pull out the shapes of dozens of other strange figures one could see in occult literature, but there was a broadening distinction on the sides and a universal connector in the middle. At this point I was exhausted I watched some TV, did some work and checked the BALG forum before heading to bed. I passed off the thing as me perhaps getting worked up and left the shape out on the desk next to my bed before going to sleep.
This is where things began to really freak me out.
In my dream I was consulting with a friend of mine over skype about some random topic and eventually a few others were added (we totaled 4 eventually), but the suddenly all of them froze and donned animal masks, pulled out knives and held them infront of themselves and kept saying “It is coming.” Before I could react in my dream, cause i’m always slow in my dreams it seems, the screen was yanked away from me and the room around me was ice cold and blue and in front of me stood this ominous and overshadowing figure, pitch black with giant horns curling back all the way beyond it’s back end with no distinguashable shades or features besides it’s piercing blue saphire eyes. I wanted to ask it it’s name but I was frozen with fear as it simple sank closer and closer to me, then proceeding to put me through the worst nightmares I had ever experienced for what felt like hours.
I shot up in a cold sweat in my room and looked around, terrified. I was about to jump up to turn on the lights but suddenly all of the doors in my room that were open slammed shut and I was pushed back down in my bed, this loud ringing in my ears. I then heard a voice in and out of my head say, “You think I am not real? I am more real than you can imagine.” My arm was then tossed over to the shape I had drawn earlier and slammed down upon it before I was somehow faded into another nightmare. I woke up the next day (finally) absolutely afraid to move out of my bed. When I eventually did I looked over at my desk and saw the shape I had made, the rough sketch actually, smeared in blood and a slice on my arm.
I’m quite terrified at the moment, but i’m also somewhat intrigued. I do not know what to make of this but it seems way too intense to be something that was supposed to happen during a simple exercise and the blistering headache that has formed while doing this is absolutely killing me. Do any of you have any thoughts on what this is or what I should do? At the very end of the nightmares the entity repeated this chant to me over and over and over again but I do not feel safe chanting it or sharing it for fear of what might happen. I know this sounds dramtic and crazy, and believe me it’s even more so for me, but I can’t exactly go to many other people about this. What should I do?