Drunk Harry's Shack

[Hypnos]

I’m back. You knew I would be.

I’ve realized that I tend to think about various paths while in various states. Whether I’m straight, or buzzed on caffeine, alcohol or a thousand other things, I have various connections to spiritual paths. But my perspective at the moment can make a difference in my mental connection to various spiritual exercises.

Part of my fragmentation comes from my youth. I was thrust into various religious groups and paths, and also bedeviled with my own endless curiosity about spiritual groups, rites and perspectives. I wasn’t in the library reading kiddie books; I was reading about religion.

When I touch the ground, a building, anything, I can often sense the spirits there. Someone on this very site told me that this is called “psychometry.” I looked that up, and got this: “There is no scientific evidence that psychometry exists and the concept has been widely criticized.”

Of course.

Anyway, why do I talk about paths that are outside the realm of what’s usually considered “the occult?” Because, for me, it all blends together.

I come from a blend of backgrounds, and beliefs. People think I should follow one certain path or another, but for me, everything is blended.

You don’t know what the people around you are doing. You don’t. The janitor who cleans your office could be a better magician than you.

I anoint, charge and carry the magickal seals. I do the rituals. But I also feed the animals outside. Which is more holy?

[Hypnos]

Old Scruff came back tonight. There’s Scuff (opossum), Greymalkin (wild cat), Bell (wild cat), and so many birds. Some birds live inside the shack with me. Plus one other human.

I was afraid that Scruff had passed, but he’s back.

I went outside for a conversation with him.

Storms may be coming. I consider storms among the holiest of all occurrences, but they’re awful for some of the outdoor critters.

The calm before the storm is here. Will I step outside in my undershorts to address an opossum? Certainly.

And that’s part of my general malfunction as a human being. I can have extended conversations with wildlife, but freeze in the presence of academic “experts” or corporate employers.

I can mojo people (cast spells on them), but wouldn’t do that to an animal. They’re better than that. I don’t bewitch animals, just people. And generally in a kind way.

[Hypnos]

Like any proper plague, I’m back.

Thinking a lot today about polytheism. I feel that I’m polytheistic by nature. But that was stomped out of me when I was really young.

I’ve courted the help of several spirits, including a certain one who fulfills an important purpose in my life. But at one point, I had a spell of guilt over abandoning the One True God™ and stopped contact with that spirit. Became afraid to wear the other spirit’s symbols, and so on.

Unless you, too, were raised in an oppressive religious cult, you may not know what motivators fear and guilt can be.

I’ve seen enough weirdness in church services, and also non-Christian services, that I don’t want to bash certain experiences. This is because I’ve personally experienced them.

I try to play nice. I try not to upset anyone in my local community, or in your community, although I’m already proving to be a pestilence to both.

I’m trying to work my way through various things. I honestly don’t know what to think. I’m a dumbfounded hick with the intelligence of Jello, but I want to figure out certain matters before I die.

I’m a simple soul. I need things explained to me like I’m 5 years old sometimes, but eventually, I do grasp certain concepts.

I read some things here today that helped me. For that, I’m grateful.

[Hypnos]

I’m the bastard offspring of a thousand bastards.

At least it seems that way sometimes.

I was adopted, but am learning about my origins. It’s slow going at times, but it’s got me thinking about the role of ancestors.

What if you have no idea who your ancestors were (I didn’t until I old?)

I’ve been told to embrace “the beliefs of my ancestors.” Fat chance. Growing up, I didn’t know what they believed.

But I do now, to a limited extent.

Here’s a common thread among my ancestors: They were religious extremists. Whatever they were born into, or converted to, they never did it halfway. There’s a pattern of rebelling against an established belief system, joining or starting another, and then harassing people who questioned their system.

I don’t know if that could explain my interest in “outsider” or fringe religion, or religion in general, but maybe it’s one reason that I explore such things.

I have friends who talk about “cultural appropriation.” I don’t want to do that to anybody, but basically having no cultural references to fall back upon, things get a little weird.

Anything I touch, in terms of rituals or beliefs, was somebody else’s first. If I don’t have a right to anything, in terms of heritage, what do I do?

What I’ve done, so far, is to be an eclectic practitioner. I do what I can.

[Hypnos]

Drunk Harry is drunk. Surprise!

If the post above this one disappears, it’s because I’m having second thoughts about having posted it. Rather too personal, I’m afraid.

Left the shack and went to a meeting. Put on a nice dress and everything. Christ, I even bathed. I wore the purple dress with flowers, which I love, but some unkind people might describe it as Victorian sofa upholstery.

Some magicians have encouraged me to attempt making contact with my ancestors. I can’t imagine my ancestors being thrilled about me. I’m kind of a gigantic WTF in any century, especially where my religious zealot ancestors might be concerned.

Have done a candle ritual, and some other rituals involving various oils and powders.

I like it here at the shack sometimes, but I kinda want to get out of the South. I frequently hear comments from the locals that just make me want to bang my head against the wall. Then, much later, I realize that it’s their heads I probably should’ve banged against the wall.

The ignorance is astounding. Then again, I remember that I, too, am ignorant. We’re all ignorant about something. I’m not immune from ignorance. There are literally thousands of things in this life I don’t know how to do. Then again, there some things that I do rather nicely.

[Hypnos]

Saw an amulet today. It’s one that used to be advertised in occult catalogs back in the day. It’s cheap and fairly awful, but in some way, I’d like one.

I don’t require high art, at least when it comes to charms or other objects. The original object, if I’m enchanting it toward my own need, doesn’t have to be fancy. In fact, if it’s somewhat crude and homemade, even better.

I’m not crazy about “used” (pre-owned) amulets, because they’ve got someone else’s energy on them, but that can be deactivated.

Anything old can be made new again. Or at least new to us.

[Hypnos]

I have recurring dreams. I’ve had them since childhood. I’m having some recurring dreams that are driving me nuts. Or nuttier, I should say.

One of these dreams is about a cult that exists only in the dreamscape. I’m attracted to it, and go to their meetings, but never bothered joining. I’ve done this before with various groups in real life, but this cult isn’t one I personally recognize IRL (in real life).

It always has a really vague name. Sometimes, it’s The System. People who pledge themselves to The System rarely get away from it. It never ends. It becomes their whole lives. New books are always being cranked out, new events, new centers, new study halls, and before the members realize it, it’s their whole existence.

I’m always on the outside of The System, this behemoth of a religion. I genuinely like some of the teachings, and think it’s helpful at times. I like the people, the camaraderie, and all that, but just can’t commit to it. And deep inside, I’ve got an urge to run as far away from it as possible.

I’m having other recurring dreams that are bugging me, but I can discuss that later on. Right now, The System is sucking me in, night after night. And some members of The System look down on me because I haven’t even finished the group’s introductory text, but the writing is dry as dust, and I can’t manage to plow through it.

I have neither the patience for poorly written books, or pomposity. The System is full of both.

Anyway, I’m trying to figure out what it means. I like the people and certain teachings of The System, but tend to rebel when it comes to actually signing up. In my dreams, I often just slip out of meetings and escape. I’m not beyond crawling right out that bathroom window.

The System wants me, but do I want The System?

[Hypnos]

I used to be involved with some New Age activity. In fact, I was heavily into it at one point. People thought I was a “lightworker” or some kind of jazz, not knowing how impenetrably dark my heart is.

I was often happier in those types of movements, but always felt guilty for betraying other belief systems. I felt I might be leading people astray. What if someone missed out on salvation (or enlightenment) because of me?

I don’t want to lead anyone down the wrong path. I really, honestly don’t. I don’t want to do it here, either. I don’t want to hurt anyone.

I’m not a creature of sunshine and light. People who are a bit too perky freak me out.

Went to a New Age service one time, when I was really ill (pre-pandemic days). I was told that sickness was no reason for skipping a meeting, but also that coughing was tantamount to accepting illness, and that I was inviting dark energies and spirits into my body (and the bodies of others). I couldn’t stop coughing. If my faith were stronger, I would never get sick. I was suddenly a heretic for having bronchitis.

I’ve walked away from so many religious and spiritual movements.

Both sides, left and right (in religious terms) have told me to stay far away from Spiritualism. I don’t know that I agree, but years of conditioning have told me the Spiritualism is either bogus, or outright evil. But I’d like to hear from my dad before I, too, am stuffed into a box.

All my life, I’ve been told that certain groups are bad, evil, wrong. But I’ve had family involved in some of these groups. As a kid, each new home you go to tries to cancel out all previous influences.

I really wonder what path I would have chosen in my youth, without intensive outside influence. I’m old, but want to choose a path on my own terms.

But my own terms may be questionable. Faulty. Malfunctioning. Wrong.

Being right doesn’t seem to be one of my strong points.

[Hypnos]

I have to go to a church service tomorrow. It’s work related. I’ve been hired to do something for a certain congregation.

I can’t reveal the full extent of my spiritual beliefs there, nor would anybody want me to.

I post various random thoughts online, often drunken or medicated thoughts, about how I fight constantly between the “light” and “dark” sides of myself. I know that it’s likely a false dichotomy, but I’m often at war within myself. Dark side, light side. But really, I’m a big ball of grey.

Yes, I’m trying to improve myself, whether via rituals, actions, education, or just staying away from other people, so I don’t somehow contaminate them.

[Hypnos]

So, yeah, I went to church. To my surprise, I was asked to directly help out with the service. What was I going to say, “No?” I almost have manners. So I helped out. Although it was a Christian service, I would’ve done the same at nearly any other service. Also, they had hired me to do something for them, and I couldn’t risk looking rude.

I enjoyed it. The people were nice, even to me.

It didn’t help my sense of complete spiritual confusion, though.

I realized that I have far too strong a sense of light vs. dark. I’ve been taught to regard certain monotheistic religions as “clean” or “light,” while other beliefs were “evil” or “dark.”

For instance, when I was younger, working with Goetic and other spirits was considered to be working with darkness, as was even owning a copy of certain books. I’ve heard sermons against several different books, saying that simply holding them in your hand can invite demons into your life (they’re saying that like it’s a bad thing.)

I realize I may be posting about my religious angst in the wrong place altogether, since almost everyone else here seems to have either gotten over their initial religious indoctrination and moved on, or at least learned to incorporate it into their magick. As ever, I’m the slow pupil who’s left behind.

I’ve had a great deal of trouble picking one specific path and staying with it. I have zilch for an attention span, and seem to be unable to follow a distinct path. So I just wander around in endless circles, accomplishing nothing.

That’s why rituals work for me. At least I’m doing things in a sequence, which is ridiculously simple for most people, but not for me.

Really, I should select a path and just devote myself to it. But I’m too easily distracted. I want to experience everything, and as a result, have become a dilettante who has dabbled extensively, but achieved nothing.

[Hypnos]

I’m grateful for lessons, wherever I may learn them.

As I said, I’ve been hired by a church to do various work for a while, and as part of the whole thing, I’ve kinda gotta be there. I’m not griping. I’ll learn everything I can while there, just as I learn at all other religious, spiritual and other gatherings. I’ll take what I need, and discard the rest.

The problem is, some of it isn’t as easily discarded as it should be.

Still, I tend to keep various things locked in my mind. As I told my parents when I was young, “Don’t think I’m not listening.” I may have been angry and/or in complete disagreement at the time, but with the passage of years, I can glean wisdom from ideas I once thought were crazy. I’m prone to listen, even to people I probably shouldn’t be entertaining seriously.

I get creative, spiritual, work-related and other ideas from dreams, personal advice, sermons, reading, social media and so much more. Knowledge tends to sink in at weird and unexpected times.

Some people whose funerals I attended were absolutely right. Sometimes, they were also wrong. But when they were right, they were right. I tend to absorb knowledge slowly, over the course of years, or even decades. I’m not exactly a candidate for instant enlightenment.

But I’m here. And I’m learning.

[Hypnos]

I’m not sure what to think these days. And that’s something I can say at pretty much any given moment of my life.

I feel I’m being pulled in so many spiritual directions - except I’m the one doing the pulling. Nobody’s tearing me apart; it’s an inside job. I’m interested in so many different paths that I’m wandering around in circles instead of following an actual path. A path goes in a certain direction, after all. It’s linear. I’m going around in tiny circles, and daring to call it “progress.”

I’m learning a lot these days, but learning is nothing without practical application. So, while navigating various paths and traditions, I should probably be evaluating which one will make me a better person, or a better spirit.

I need to improve myself before I die. That’s an understatement. Sometimes, I feel that I’ve scarcely progressed at all. But I need to try.

I can read a whole library full of books, but it’s not worth as much as giving a hungry person a sandwich. Academic study only goes so far. Mercy (in my opinion) goes farther.

[Hypnos]

I’ve always maintained the most pointless journal here, partially because I can’t seem to commit to a definitive path. So I keep wandering, just as I’ve done all my life. It was never in my genetics to settle down in one place. I come from wanderers. I won’t stay in any single place too long, but for now, this shack is something I’ve come back to. I’ve lived in this region before. Much to the horror of the locals, I’ve returned.

I’ve been working for a church, as I’ve stated here. Please don’t think that magick can’t happen in that kind of setting. It can. I’ve seen it, and I’ve done it. But I have fears of being pulled too far in.

I drift from one place to another, and that includes magickal places. I’ve had serious experiences and epiphanies in church, on the streets, in occult rituals, lodges, secular meetings and more.

I experience magick wherever it occurs for me personally. That may very well differ from where you experience it. I like magickal objects, all the usual equipment. But it’s not an absolute necessity. Sitting outside and gazing at the stars can turn me on, too.

[Hypnos]

Here I am, making a fool of myself again. You were expecting something else?

Looking at a spiritual path to which I once belonged. To re-enter, there are requirements, and for many of them, I have to give up a great many things, most of them involving physical pleasure. However, in terms of spiritual advancement, these are small requests.

They want me to never touch alcohol again, for instance.

Guess what, kids? Harriet is drunk again. Wow, what a surprise.

No, being loaded isn’t good for my liver, nor for my spiritual advancement, but I’m suspicious of groups that try to dictate my habits. I probably shouldn’t be, since most have these types of requirements.

So, I’m on the outside of spirituality, looking in through the stained glass windows. I have a magical way of never fitting in. I don’t fit into New Age groups, churches, covens, magickal groups, anything. I’m the perpetual outsider.

I’m afraid, at this point, that the only group I’ll fit into is my fellow residents at the cemetery.

[Hypnos]

I went to a religious service. Three of them, actually. All Christian, but it could’ve been anything, including occult rites. I’m flexible. But anyway, I ended up at these services.

At one service, I saw young people prostrating themselves on the ground in religious devotion. I almost envy their level of spirituality. On the other hand, I question why they do it. But instinctively, I know.

I know what it’s like to be caught up in a spiritual moment, in any tradition.

I am not so advanced, so utterly awesome, so spiritually special, that I don’t experience moments of sheer awe.

Thanks to these young people for reminding me what that’s like. There’s a good chance I won’t join them in their devotions, but sometimes, I need reminders about what it’s like to be completely blown away spiritually.

This can be translated into any practice. It’s hardly just a Christian thing. Sometimes, there is just an ineffable sense of awe and amazement.

[Hypnos]

I’m here. Whoopee.

Working with various rituals, most of which (at the moment) don’t actually involve the occult.

Except that they do, in the sense that “occult” can mean “hidden.” Things can be hidden in plain sight.

I’m involved with several different groups that have secret rituals, and some whose rituals are quite public. In some cases, I’ve taken oaths to not reveal details to outsiders, and I do stick to that. I was initiated into a certain group when I was in high school, and I still don’t discuss it with others. I’m funny like that.

I was recently initiated into yet another group. No, I’m not going to talk about it. I don’t kiss and tell.

Online rituals (due to distance and pandemic) are quite different from in-person rituals, obviously. Still, I did everything I was asked to, and do take it seriously.

Which may be one of my problems: I take just about everything too seriously. Except for the things that really matter in life. Those things, I just laugh at and move on.

[Hypnos]

It happened again. I had yet another dream that I was being initiated into a magickal group.

I have these dreams a lot. They’re often rather long dreams, and extremely detailed. Each group I’m initiated into is somewhat different.

Why do I keep getting initiated? I never advance in these groups. I’m always a neophyte.

In this dream, I joined a group with LHP inclinations. They were described by outsiders as “Satanic,” but I don’t think they were. Their focus was elsewhere, but they were clearly dark in nature. We wore black robes and hoods. Upon initiation, I received my black hood.

I was immediately thrust into a major ritual, which was being performed before a large audience, and had no clue what I was supposed to be doing. I just tried not make a flaming fool of myself.

After the public ritual, with the audience still present, I met “The Lucifer.” That’s what some people called him. He wore white, while the others wore black. I’ve had several dreams where this being has shown up, and in all cases, he’s sexually overwhelming. He told me he loves me, and I said I love him, too. I embraced him, and right then, I wanted to drop to the floor, audience be damned, and let him use my body for his own personal gymnasium.

But I soon realized that he loves everyone like that. Well, what the hell, I’m not jealous. I can share my toys.

At some point afterward, I removed my black hood. I had a black hood when I started, but when I went to remove it, it had turned into a sheer pink scarf. Also, in the ritual, we were supposed to walk in pairs, but my initiation made the group oddly numbered. Should I walk alone behind the others? Join another group of two? What in the Kentucky fried hell am I supposed to be doing here?

Anyway, I belong to a lot of different groups and lodges in Dreamland. I keep getting initiated, but they never call me back.

[Hypnos]

Went to church today. Seems like any time I go to a church, temple or lodge, I always notice something different, no matter how many times I’ve been inside the building. I’m odd like that, though. I look at things, and I keep on looking, seeing or experiencing something different every time.

Major points and matters of actual importance may very well escape me, but I’ll notice the tiny, insignificant details. That’s basically the story of my life in a nutshell.

I haven’t had a drink in about a week. Not trying to quit permanently or anything. In fact, I’ll likely be hammered tomorrow evening after a very long meeting. If I’ve gotta sit somewhere that long and pretend to be normal, I get to have a beer afterwards.

Thinking of magick and its ties to (and sharp derivations from) organized religion. I’ve never been quite right in my practice of mainstream religion. I might be sitting in the pews, but I may also have a charged sigil or seal in my pocket while I’m there.

Thinking of a church hymn called “St. Patrick’s Breastplate.”

I bind unto myself today
the strong name of the Trinity
by invocation of the same,
the Three in One and One in Three.

I bind this day to me forever,
by power of faith, Christ’s incarnation,
his baptism in the Jordan river,
his death on cross for my salvation,
his bursting from the spiced tomb,
his riding up the heavenly way,
his coming at the day of doom,
I bind unto myself today.

“By invocation of the same.” Sounds like magick to me.

[Hypnos]

Well, I’m hammered again, as promised. My week of abstinence was primarily for reasons of sheer vanity: I wanted to fit into a certain evening gown, and alcohol consumption makes me bloated and puffy.

You’ll be proud to know, I’m sure, that Old Harriet wore that sequined dress magnificently.

Somebody gave me an item recently that would seem insignificant to most, but I learned that it’s from someone who’s deceased. It’s been given to several different folks, and came into my possession. Very simple item, but now, I’ll care for it and treasure it. After I die, I hope that people will pass on some of my meager possessions.

Have been asked if I’m RHP or LHP. Maybe some people are binary like that. I’m always floating between categories. I’m tough to pin down, and it’s not because I’m cool. I stopped being cool, sexy, edgy or interesting decades ago. But I’m not your average person, either, primarily due to asking too many questions.

Whatever tradition I’m involved with, I’m always on the fringes. That doesn’t make me cool, just weird.

Weird, but friendly.

[Hypnos]

Thinking about will.

Willpower.

I’ve had several points in my life where I’ve exerted insane amounts of willpower to achieve goals. In many other areas, I’ve fallen behind, but don’t let it be said that don’t possess willpower. I’ve proven otherwise, even to some of my worst detractors.

But still, as I’ve posted here many times, I maintain an interest in organized religion, and often attend services of various types (often, but certainly not always, Christian).

I was taught from an early age that the human will is a horrible monster to be tamed. However, I also find in it a source of strength.

I suppose, at its most basic levels, it’s akin to electricity. Use it to bake cookies, but don’t stick a fork into the outlet.

Reading a ritual from an old text. The operator is to be pure, like a virgin. Dear God, that’s not happening.

There are ideas about will, purity, holiness and more that I understand on some instinctual level, but find difficult to put into practice.

On some level, I want to ride through old age gracefully, calmly, and at peace with my beliefs. But it seems not to be my fate. I’ve always got questions, endless questions, and some of those questions are in violation of all known belief systems.

I’m that annoying kid who always asks, “Why?” Except that I’m old now.

Why should I abandon one god, only to pledge fealty to another spirit? Why should I accept one belief over another, just because somebody says I should? But, then again, why can’t I just be normal, and be content with whatever spirituality was thrust upon me as a kid?

Well, because I can’t, that’s why.