I can actually relate to this.
Recently I have found myself saying things I wouldn’t normally say, but this was against a coworker who…well…let’s just say I haven’t been standing up for myself like I should have, and it felt like something decided to speak through me and do just that.
Another recent incident, was when my lane abruptly ended on the interstate and a rig came zooming by, pushing me off the road and onto the shoulder, with another rig behind me, had to hurry back into the lane.
I already have anxiety, and after my first accident in March, it got worse as I’m driving, though I have come a long way in recovering from that.
But it is strange that I didn’t panic, not once, maybe a little uneasy after I got back on the road, but it was as if something else was acting for me, and my consciousness was taking the back seat for that moment, I was aware, but my mind was blank and I couldn’t process what was happening at first.
I can actually relate to this.
I guess, even if something else takes the wheel for you - if the outcome is standing up for yourself or keeping your cool in a dire situation it pushes a learning process inside yourself and next time you’ll be able to do it on your own accord. That’s what I was asking for in the first place when I dived into the whole evocation thing: showing me how I can do it by myself somehow, but I wasn’t picky about “how” And it seems that part sneaky and part “unceremonious” (“rude” is a harsh word) works best with my current surroundings.
Hope, you’ll get over your driving anxieties completely someday!
You guys. Throw on something comfortable, pour yourself a drink and buckle up. Today I’ll get something off my chest that I had carried around for many many years. Leraje kinda “suggested” to open up about it and here I am.
Today I will spill the tea about how I lost my first kiss and how it traumatized me until this very day.
Let’s get it over with.
Today I made a non-scheduled evocation of Leraje for a plan I had to set up in a hurry today. I asked him if I backed up everything in the right way and if I considered every possible outcome or if I probably missed some spots (since I have no control mechanisms until monday). If so I would have a small time frame to switch some things around and I wanted to hear an opinion of someone who was “technically involved” into all this scheming.
I must have got into a slightly chatty mode, then. I explained that some of my plans have a habit of being thwarted at the very last moment because of one small thing I didn’t put into consideration. In summary for this entry: Leraje explained that one should always be prepared even for situations you have no control over. That you should put every little thing into mind that you CAN’T control. And that you should solve this scenario in your head (no matter how unlikely its occurence might be) BEFORE it will set into motion, so you can act more quickly but without being stupid or pressed or acting stupid BECAUSE you’re forced to act swiftly.
I couldn’t help but let a memory pop up in which I couldn’t foresee under any given circumstances how THAT would turn out. It must have been noticable in my meditation signature or something but I felt a shift of attention towards me. I wanted to shake it off and move on but I could hear a faint “Show me” beside my ear.
Please follow me back into a simpler time: the year of 2003.
I was a confused and socially isolated 13y.o. who lost the majority of her friends due to school transfers. I found solace in the wonders of subcultures; I made babysteps towards metal and goth music and experimented wildly with looks to match. I had been the only person at my school who enjoyed this kind of stuff (most kids at my age were more into electronic music or hiphop) and I felt a bit lonely and excluded. I fell hopelessly in love with a guy one year my senior. He didn’t even knew that I existed and I kept my distance to marvel at something I considered as perfection back then. If 13-15y.o. me had tolist off why he would be the most perfect being on earth, she would probably look like this:
I spent the next two years with shy eye contact, standing next to him without actually saying anything and thinking about him when I should put my focus on something else (like, learning and being a responsible member of society).
I was just too fucking awkward to do ANYTHING besides staring like a wounded deer. On his last year of school he seemed to approach me more often; he would always borrow something from me (a lighter, small amounts of money or even food) to bring it back to me again the next day (he took a bite from my sandwich once and gave it back to me - I almost died that day). He also changed his style into a more “gothed up” version of himself and of course it made me swoon (don’t @ me, I was an awkward kid with a violent but confused rush of hormones).
To this point I avoided other boys because I wasn’t interested in them - in conclusion I never experienced my first kiss (that one time in preschool doesn’t count, okay?) or anything with close body contact. I made a plan: even if we wouldn’t end up together I wanted to spend my first kiss on him! Time was running out because it was his last year and summer holidays were approaching fast. Maybe we wouldn’t see each other again for a long time, who knew.
So I agonized my brain about how I could make it happen. Some kind of miracle happened: as I was heading home from school I met him in front of a café. I thought that maybe he wanted to borrow money again but he approached me with a sheepish smile on his face. He was asking for my phone number and I felt like a truck hit me and drove my lifeless body right to Surprise-Muthafucka-Ville.
A few hours later he would contact me via text message and we had some conversations about this and that.
The next day I found a school book (chemistry) that belonged to him and that he probably had to return before he would leave this school (we had some draconian penalty fees if you failed to return a school book after the school year was over). I had a perfect reason to meet up with him; I texted him that I found his book and that I would want to give it back to him. Everything came perfectly together and my body was ready.
When the day of our “meeting” (it was a date in my head) came, I would meet up with some school friends of mine (you know, those kind of friends who don’t speak to you during school but would hang around with you during the holidays?). It was fine with me because we would only hang around for a few hours in a local mall and I would head back alone afterwards to meet up with my soon-to-be-husband.
As I met up with my friends, a girl introduced her cousin to me. He was around twenty-ish (21 or 22) and I only knew him by looks. He was a socially incompetent, overweight and smelly fella and he was profoundly sweating the whole time. It wasn’t too pleasant to talk to him I would figure out: he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed and he hadn’t any interests besides video games and his motorcycle (for which he seemed way to heavy, poor thing would always give in under his weight). During our hangout said girl would entertain the thought of me being still single and that her cousin was ALSO not taken, HOW CONVENIENT.
I choosed to ignore her hints and tried to keep my distance to the not so versatile (physical and mental) biker-dude. That wasn’t too easy, tho. He would always create some kind of nearness by putting an arm around me while sitting beside me or getting touchy while talking to me (I really HATE people who touch you when they talk to you!!!). Since he was a sweaty boiii the whole touchy situation made me feel sticky and weird. I decided that I would need a shower before going to my “date” in a few hours. Sweaty biker tried to lure me onto his fucking lap when our tram was too full to find an empty seat. I refused the sticky offer and preferred full body contact with a group of russian tourists. He insisted that I should sit on his lap and he even tried to pull me on top. My friends found it hilarious: a fat and visible desperate dude and the shy girl who was too polite to just smack the shit out of him for his behaviour. I decided to leave the tram a lot of stations earlier only to get away from him.
Back home I made myself ready for what I thought would be an unforgettable evening (well, it kinda WAS…).
I decided to doll up a little bit; every casual school book handover deserves a sharp appearance, right?
When I arrived a little bit too early to our meeting point my group of friends were hanging around there, too. It wasn’t a problem, since sweaty biker dude was not in sight and I planned to leave them as soon as McDreamy arrived. I got a message that he wouldn’t make it until half an hour later and that he would hurry up. I almost fainted from excitement, holding his book tightly in my now trembling hands.
It wasn’t until five minutes later when fat biker dude arrived. Someone texted him about my whereabouts and he appeared wheezing and panting because he hadn’t his poor motorbike underneath him (he obviously hurried, which made him even MORE sweatier).
I tried as good as I could to keep my distance from him. He would always come close to me, pretending that he wanted to talk to me in private to lay his gross arms around my shoulders again. I would scramble away from him everytime and he would always come after me. It was too fucking much for me and I told him to stop it already. He interpreted my “no” as a “yes” and pinned his whole weight (I stopped growing by the age of 12 so I hadn’t much strength to counter his “love” back then. Now I would probably kick a hole into is stomach with my mighty knees) unto me. I was laying flat down on the bench, struggling and pushing him away from me. I could hear my friends bursting with laughter in the background and then IT HAPPENED.
He kissed me. But it was not a peck on the mouth or something. He rammed his tongue right into my mouth and because he was OBVIOUSLY new to it I almost drowned because of his disgusting saliva flooding my mouth in combination with aimless tongue action (it felt like I had a dead eel or something in my mouth which would resurrect every three seconds only to wiggle around and to die in there again).
Right when I thought it probably couldn’t get ANY MUCH worse, McDreamy would show up, only to witness a makeout session between some random fat dude and me, dolled up. He would pick up his book without saying anything to me and walked away. I was devastated beyond reason. My first kiss landed right into the trash can, I almost puked and had to spend the evening not in the arms of my beloved one but in the bathroom, profoundly brushing my teeth until my gums bled.
I never heard or saw McDreamy again and was anxious to leave the house because fat biker dude would make a habit out of stalking me ON HIS BIKE. (Imagine a grown ass fat dude sitting on his motorbike driving at WALKING SPEED behind a 15y.o., almost losing his balance all the time.)
That was the story of my first kiss, and I SWEAR that I could sense Leraje cracking up into some kind of oppressed laughter as I took him back and showed him what happened because my plans didn’t turned out as intended. I never told anyone about this humiliating experience until today. He was like “you should open up in order to move on” and here I am.
I crie evritiem.
I’d like to see them laughing with some charges of sexual assault up their miserable butts…
I know this isn’t really funny…but…I laughed.
Back then I didn’t even seen it as sexual assault But I was highly pissed because I lost a magical “first” to a fat and random dude I didn’t even liked (or knew at all!) who couldn’t keep himself on a leash (today I would beat everyone into a bloody pulp who would try something funny on me but 15 y.o. me was too weak and polite back then). Since my work with a certain entity seems to demand reflecting on a lot of things I ignored for a long time (believe me, I had a lot of cringey and uncomfortable flashbacks in the last few weeks) I used this story as some kind of spiritual homework.
Oh, I think it’s hilarious in some kind of way.
(Of course it’s sad that a grown up man has to force himself on a more than unwilling teenager because he is too socially unfit to find someone his own age he can hit on (and who would have probably reacted in a more appropriate way like biting off his tongue or smashing his head with some random object lying around)).
But avoiding every boy for over two years in order to not give away the wrong impression to someone you’ve totally crushed over for an ending like this = comedy gold in hindsight
It’s still not easy for me to activate a physical sigil. I will switch materials soon, maybe it will help to get my mind on the right track (a drawing on paper doesn’t do the trick for me but I figured out that my mind is more relaxed and open if I imagine it on something more solid like stone or glass; I will get a chunk of sea glass and will engrave Lerajes sigil on it). BUT I figured out that behind my closed eyelids a bow will appear as soon as the connection has been made - its shape differs from time to time but I can see it almost perfectly clear in the dark. Sometimes it’s an ordinary bow without any decorations on it, then again it’s a beautifully piece of art with delicate ornaments and carved in hunting scenes.
I asked Leraje to manifest himself in my dreams sometime again because of reasons. I didn’t get an answer but felt a warm sensation on my face like someone exhaling right at my cheek.
Pt. 1: Last nights dream was intense. Maybe I should’ve been more specific about the whole “manifest-thyself-in-my-dreams”-stuff but technically…
Instead of meeting up with Leraje face to face I was sitting in front of my altar and did what I always did when preparing an evocation: light a candle, burning jasmine incense (for some reason I didn’t thought a shielding was neccessary) and left a “present for the guest” on my altar (it must’ve been wine and fresh rosemary). A connection was made pretty quick and maybe I felt a little grumpy for being tricked. Leraje seemed to enjoy my irritation; he laughed mildly and his voice was not only inside of my head anymore but filled the whole room. “Well, but we’ll ALWAYS meet like this! You’re here, I’m here, so it’s done” TBC, gotta go now.
Pt. 2: He was kinda right, I thought. But to dream about an evocation I literally did a few hours ago only to repeat it in my sleep again felt like a penalty loop. As if Leraje could read my mind (I’m damn sure he can) he put on a more sincere tone: “We both know that I’m not here to linger around for nothing. You should pay more attention.” “Attention to what?”, I was thinking. When I looked around I noticed a HUGE ASS glass jar right beside me (I swear it wasn’t there before). I stood up and tried to lift it, it was almost impossible due to its weight (it was empty, tho). “What am I supposed to do with it?” I asked openly confused. “Well, you could try to catch something nice.”, Leraje answered. Suddenly, the floor and the walls of my living room were shaking heavily and I almost fell flat on my face. As I tried to regain my stance a FUCKING HUGE BLUE DRAGON (not your fairy tale dragon, I talk about those snake-like chinese ones) darted violently OUT OF MY ALTAR. (I wondered how such a huge ass dragon could fit into this room while I had often serious problems to fit three visitors at once into it)
I could hear another voice now (probably not Leraje):“This will be fun.”
Blue dragon snake let out a rampaging roar and parts of the building structure came down while a fountain of water splashed out of my altar (r u ok, altar?!) and flooded the room. B.D.S. suddenly stopped its raging and turned its eyes on me. (Hell, no.) It let out another roar and bolted right at me.
I dragged the huge glass jar in front of me as fast as I could, its opening facing B.D.S.
I propped myself behind the jar with all my body weight. B.D.S. rushed right into it, with shaking and roaring and flooding my room with more and more water. My feet slid away on the wet ground as I tried to hold and secure the churning jar with all my strength. When B.D.S. disappeared entirely into the glass jar everything came to a halt. My room was neat and un-vandalized again, but I was totally drenched in water. The glass jar had changed its size into a normal one and had a lid now. I held it in my hands and couldn’t find anything in it. A well known voice said “Bravo.” and I woke up confused and with sore muscels in my arms and my back.
Next time I’ll think twice before asking Leraje to manifest himself in any way, even in my dreams. He doesn’t fuck around.
(Feels like a weird pokemon parable in hindsight, huh)
On a totally unrelated note:
Technically it’s not forbidden for me to drink during work time, at least not via employment contract.
Got two new sigils today during meditation.
My amount of sleep was rather short (5hours) but I felt surprisingly well rested and refreshed.
During todays evocation I felt a strong pressure on my forehead area, as if something would be pressed firmly against it. I got my hands on a little chunk of ulexite and gave it away to Leraje as a symbol of gratitude and willingness to go further. When I asked if he liked it the candle gave away some crackling in response.
Just figured out HOW stupid I am. Almost every sigil I received lately is only a part of one. I just noticed after my last drawing I scribbled into my book. I don’t know how yet, but I’m going to find out how to put them together. Ha.
On another unrelated note: