Diary of stable, responsible and wholesome lifestyle choices


#21

My yesterday evocation went different than usual. It’s still a bumpy thing for me to actually use the sigil. I have a hard time to observe a change during trance; most of the time it would stay ground solid without anything happening. (My vision is pretty bad, so that doesn’t help either, I guess)
So I started to look at the sigil like it would be some kind of huge climbing frame I could touch or pull myself up to (I even decided a surface for it in my mind, I’m that kind of person who has to touch everything). That would usually help to connect.
Well, I didn’t even had my sigil ready; mid-trance the sigil suddenly popped up in the darkness behind my closed eyelids. There was a solid golden glimmer to it (like it would be a piece of jewellery); as soon as it came it was already gone again.


#22

I noticed a process inside myself. Some really long buried/ignored/forgotten things climbed out of the shallow graves I dug for them. It’s weird that it’s happening simultaneously to a period of growth and success. Maybe it’s not true success if it’s not really me who uses it but some kind of concept of me, a construction designed to withstand the demands of my life. Maybe it’s time to pay attention to all my unloved not-so-pretty corpselike parts and aspects of my “self” and to integrate them into the concept of “me” again. It’s not a pleasant thing to do. It makes me think about the “festering wounds”-part that comes with the whole Leraje package. Maybe he had some arrows for me, too. And I should hurry the fuck up to heal myself; it would be too bad if I’m not strong enough to finally reap the damned fruits of my sneaky labour.


#23

How things are going

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#24

Time seems to flow differently since my more extensively involvement with “the art”. It came to my attention that I have more time left, resp. it seems to “stretch”. Until now I always had a huge problem to stick to my business schedule; I had so fucking much on my agenda each day that I barely made it. I could only finish most of my workload due to unpaid extra hours (I “collected” 57 unpaid of them the last few months) or by working from home during vacation or sick days (which is not allowed usually). It seems to me that I can put more “to-do” stuff into one single hour that would normally take three hours to finish.

The past weeks were wild regarding the volume of work; a lot of people fell ill and I had been left with a useless bunch of slackers :frowning: But for some reason I didn’t feel drained or tired during this time; I felt like a Duracell bunny. My reaction went faster and more versatile, I dodged a few calamities and cleaned up the “leftovers” of the past weeks (in what seems to be “one move”). I felt more energized and could carry on without rest. (Under normal circumstances I would only survive with a load of cigarettes, energy drinks and self denial and even then I only grow lacklustre)
I treat it carefully, tho. It’s highly untypical for me not to collapse under such a heavy duty crossfire.

P.S.:A sigil has been shown to me.


#25

Please bear with me for I had to sketch it mid-trance and I am by no means a gifted artist.
This sigil has been shown to me after I asked Leraje for a piece of his mind:


Someone seems to know that I’m a lazy bummer therefore the most basic sigil has been given to me…
About my sleeping habits: my S.O. noted that besides my omnipresent unintelligible glossolalia I am babbling since forever I grew quite active. He told me that he would often catch me open-eyed, sitting straight in our bed for several minutes, seemingly focused at something he couldn’t see; then I would just lay down again as if nothing happened. He also told me that few nights ago I would sit on the edge of the bed and staring at the bedroom door. I smiled while doing so and sometimes giggled. After five minutes or so I went back under the blankets and slept. I have no memory about this and as far as I’m concerned I’m not prone to sleepwalking either.
Last night I dreamed about a lot of birch trees. They were standing in a row in front of me and I savoured the sight.
My yesterdays evocation went strange: as I chanted the Enn I could feel a different voice making its way up my throat as it wanted to continue my trance-talk. It was a male and chesty voice. I stopped mid chanting for I didn’t want to scare the shit out of my man in the room next door (I guess he would have noticed if a male voice would finish my chant). In my mind I asked if we could tone it down a bit. I continued, then.


#26

Since I’m all alone at home today I will do something daring: instead of the usual offerings I already gave I will give away something completely different.
In your face, safe and organized ceremonial magick, in your face.


#27

I enjoy so much your diary, keep it coming! Have fun with your offering! wink wink nudge nudge :laughing:


#28

HFRGHFHUDKVBINUFHDSJK
Go and wash that dirty dirty mind of yours! :smiley:
There’s nothing winky going on here :smiley:


#29

…I’m crying…! :rofl:


#30

Although some readers had seemed to held high hopes for hot and heavy one-on-one evocation action I have to dissapoint you: nope. We don’t do that here :smiley: (P.S.: Y’all need Jesus :smiley: )

Today’s evocation was intense, nonetheless :smiley:
Instead of choosing my usual offerings I had something different in mind. I wanted to offer something important to me (as a sign of deepest respect and gratitude towards recent workings).
Now hear me out: I own nothing too important to me, at least not in an irreplaceable way (I own the ashes of my dead dogs but I wouldn’t offer that and if you disagree GO AND FIGHT ME IN A FIELD).
BUT I had spend money recently onto something that would turn to something important. I went on vacation (with my S.O.) for the first time in 19 years. In the month of June we would take a two weeks break from everything and traveled to the seaside.

When I was a child my family would travel to the Baltic Sea once in a year. It was a magic(k)al time and I hold those memories dearly. When I turned 10 years old my mom lost her job due to a mental illness and my dad had to make up for it. We couldn’t afford vacations anymore and in my adult life I simply hadn’t enough time anymore (I had a 24/7 job back then for a very long time; it was demanding even in my free time and I couldn’t move too far away from my location).

I decided to share the all the strong positive emotions I had from this vacation with Leraje during a deep meditation-time-travel thingy. I wanted to go back and I wanted to take him with me; back to the seaside and two weeks of pure ignorant bliss.

So first vacation since ever it was for my S.O. and since a long time at least for me. I picked a location I remembered from back then and booked the cheapest cabin I could find (I’m a little paranoid with money I confess, although it’s not neccessary anymore). I was so excited during our 8hour+ drive and as soon as we came across the first extensions of small baltic sea villages I indulged into a full “This is this and that is that” talk my S.O. had to endure for the rest of our drive.
The cabin was surprisingly modern and cozy despite the very low price. It was NEXT TO THE FRIGGIN SEA (only a sand dune and a two minutes walk separated our cabin from the big blue) and it had a lovely garden and a separate sauna. As soon as we parked our car and stuffed our belongings into the living room we would head right for the beachside. And I felt like a child again. For the next two weeks we would do nothing else but laying like lazy fat cats by the seaside or in our garden. We developed a taste for local beer (which I continued to buy back home) and for the nightly silence and darkness (we live in a heavily illuminated and loud area even by night). Everything was so peaceful and serene and beared a lightness I hadn’t experienced for a long time.
Those two little weeks were the most beautiful weeks I ever had. And I wanted to recreate this beauty and I wanted to share it.

The recreation part included: me, dressed in something I would preferably wear when being out and about in neighbouring areas. A tracklist of music we would hear every single day. A whole bottle of my favourite sunblocker they discontinued this year (they changed the formula; it doesn’t smell that lovely anymore and it losts its non-tacky fluid like texture which I adored) and which I was wearing during our vacation (I squeezed it onto a glass plate to make clear that it’s an offering; I couldn’t take the bottle back for my own use anymore), sea shells and sea glass which I collected during our strolls, a glass of local beer we would drink every evening while watching the sunset and a map of the local area we used for lazy biking tours.

I tranced myself back: to the seaside and its smell, the feeling of sand underneath my feet, to the darkness and stillness at night with waves swashing lazily on the shore. I invited Leraje to see and smell and feel as I have done and to draw energy from those sensations. I felt a heavy dual connection to my memories and to Leraje. I don’t know how much time had passed but I suddenly heard a voice right beside my ear: “A door.” and “I am here. You’re listening. I am here. The graveyard. I’m there.” and “The Triangle.” The voice spoke calmly to me. A part of Lerajes Sigil (the triangle with the two horns on top) flashed behind my eyes on and off. After the sentence “The triangle.” a new sigil flashed behind my eyes (I’ll draw it later so I can take a picture. I scribbled it in a hurry on a newspaper that was laying around :smiley: ).

About three hours had passed during the evocation. It was the longest evocation until now and I am a little bit tired but also satisfied (like in a “I ate the whole family pizza”-way).


#31

Below are two sigils which I saw during yesterdays evocation session. The second one is not really new since it’s also present in the Sigil of Marquis Leraje. The bow-and-arrow-ish sigil came to me after a voice spoke the words:“The triangle.”. I received a third sigil but I’m afraid that I didn’t understand/saw it properly, so I’ll ask for it again during a next session (the candle I lit up on my altar just gave away a mad sizzling/popping as I write this).


#32

Update: more candlelight popping and crackling action. During staring at the sigil I could hear the words “My child(e?)” in a consoling manner (which suits my shitty day; I had to be comforted by someone because of something that happened not unexpectedly but it hit me hard nonetheless. P.S.: If you live near my region and a tear-stained lady yelled at you behind her wheel because you were too fucking stupid to clear the fucking fast lane: I am NOT sorry. Idiot.).
After I received those words I felt slightly better, the candle crackling stopped and a nice high and steady flame is now burning. I received my copy of “Io Erbeth” today and will start reading it right now.


#33

It’s totally not my fault…!

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#34

That happened to me when I went through my “Reawakening”. I called it my “time bubble”. Take advantage of it while it lasts!


#35

I try whenever I’m aware to make good use of it. Right now it’s enabling me to have some extra time during my morning routine before I have to leave the house. Dunno how long it will last but I’m grateful for every minute I don’t have to rush :smiley:


#36

Today I kept it smooth. No hardcore evocation or asking questions. Only some relaxed welcomings with classy offerings.
The name “Arax” has been given to me.


#37

Quick after dream notice: in last nights dreams I would always encounter a really long boi: it had the body of a snake, the head of a mouse and soft brown fur. I had several dreams last night but it appeared in every dream back again. I liked this little fella a lot. I’ll meditate on it later.


#38

I’ll try to bring that mouse-snake-thingy back into my next dream.
It seems that I have to ask it directly about its origin although I’m not too confident to get a lot of informations. It didn’t had a voice as far as I remember.
It seems that Leraje gives a more laid back input into our work-bonding-relationship now (don’t know how to describe it better). His energy feels more “softened up” and casual while communicating (during the first times his energy had a very stern and formal touch, although not unfriendly yet not quite approachable). But I can feel his strength (it’s like a strong pressure to me, but not unpleasant) during the more workey and less talkey part.


#39

Today I discovered that I’m homeless. Not in a material way, I’ve got a roof over my head and all. But since I’ve moved over here I felt dislocated; but I would always feel at home back “at home” (still refering to my birth place and its surroundings as “at home”) when I would visit my parents and my old friends (I live approx. a 6-7hours worth of car drive away now). But something changed since the last time. I felt strange and out of place. It was like nothing of this has anything to do with me anymore although I lived not only the majority of my life there but also experienced some of my more happier moments. Now this place feels like any other place in the world and it’s kinda heartbreaking because it seems that there is nothing and nowhere I could return to if I had to. I have to find another place to call home and I’m not too sure about its success.


#40

Remember “that guy” whose position I’m aiming at? Because he got promoted to some sort of king and whatnot? Dude fucked up big time yesterday. And I was in the awkward predicament so save his ass (and his promotion) for my own sake. He didn’t want to admit his failure right away so it was up to me to “bend the truth” to someone in order to save us all. “Bending the truth” meant to lie bluntly right into someones face. I really didn’t want to because it just didn’t feel right. “I can’t do that” I thought to myself. “Nah, you totally can” I heard someone else saying right into my ear. As I dialed the number of said person it felt like it wasn’t me talking but someone else was talking through me (or my tongue got its own autocue all of a sudden). And thus a lie has been created that won’t hurt anybody but will deliver my ass straight to hell after I’m dead (Leraje, you’re going to visit me once in a while, will you?). Though it’s my free day I went right to work to set up all the smoke and mirrors to back up my plans. It came to fruition already and I truly hope I can pull this shit through as long as needed.
I called “that guy” to tell him that everything will be okay but that I will kick him in his throat if he pulls something like this ever again.