There was a huge ass wall right in front of me. It consisted of the affection I hold for some of my coworkers. My team grew really close to me and I highly admired my wonderful team leader and my co-second-in-command. Both taught me a lot and the way they trusted in my abilities made me all warm and fuzzy. And I knew that I had to say “Good bye” to them.
Because my S.O. had plans of his own. He was highly unlucky here (same goes for me, we never really grew into this place and felt like aliens for over two years now) and he needed another college degree to finally get down to business with his old career plan. I agreed with that one since I didn’t had a higher education myself and I wanted him to thrive for the two of us. We had a long talk back then and I promised to have his back no matter what. Later I sat down and did the math: with him back to college and my ass glued to the eternal glass office we couldn’t make ends meet, at least not here (right now we are living in one of the most expensive corners this country has to offer due to our jobs). We had our share with either paying the rent OR having enough to eat for the rest of the month but never both. I wasn’t too keen to experience this material drought again and felt a deep sense of despair and fear that we wouldn’t make it. I was totally unable to make a move towards anything, feeling like a total failure to myself and the ones dear to me. And thus, ye olde magick awareness arose again inside of me for I was too stupid and weak to do it on my own
And so I had to leave. But in a good way. I made my plans already clear to Leraje in my first evocation: moving to a much more cheaper part of this country but earning more money than I already did to support the both of us during my S.O.'s second college degree. And then, in the rush of my own “Fuck it, I deserve it”-awakening it was all so clear: I didn’t had to leave my job, only the location. I would follow up to secure my plan to succeed after “that guy” that left a huge vacancy due to his own promotion. The good part: way more money, home office (which would mean I could freely choose my new living place) and I could keep contact to my team since I would work for its benefit, I could travel across the country and getting paid for hotels and eating at restaurants. Two birds, one stone. The bad part: coming clean to my team leader and telling her that I had to go.
For a longer period of time I would weasel my way out of the inevitable. I didn’t want to hurt her and I didn’t know how not to.
In my following efforts to contact Leraje I would always ask for a cheap way around. I was just too weak and gutless after all. No answers had been given, at least not in a vocalized way. Leraje wouldn’t let me get away with my own foolishness, tho. Beside the heavy urge to flip out my phone and confess to my team leader about my plans after every evocation I would get cats. Lots and lots of cats.
I dreamt about cats for about five or six nights straight. They flooded me. I always had to take care of them and I would always wake up exhausted and tired because of it. On the final night a storm raged in my dreams. I had to take ALL the cats inside my house to protect them. They wouldn’t be thankful little furry critters, tho. They would claw and tear at each other and I had to seperate them all the time while the storm gained strength. I just couldn’t do this shit any longer. I yelled “All right, all right, I bloody DO it, for fucks sake!” at the top of my little dream lungs and all of a sudden the cats just sat there, peacefully. Talking about signs and answers…