I’ve been spending some time thinking about this ever since I partook in the pact with Abbadon. You see at the time when participating in that pact I was really frustrated with myself in that I felt I lacked discipline. I was behind with my school work, I had gathered some poor habits like starting to smoke again, playing video games and doing everything to just quench the feeling of failing myself and the goals I’ve attempted to set up for myself. I failed at fullfillig most of them. I will add that despite not really having a problem of breaking bad habits, which I have now once more, I just simply didn’t care or want to. And so that particualr rite I decided to destroy myself. Meaning this person that had fallen so low and stopped caring for anything or anyone, who just wanted filla void. The results have been immense but more on that later.
Destruction to me doesn’t necessarily mean shattering something into piesces or complete removal, decimationn, obliteration or anything like that. It’s more about finding the linchpin of what have caused you to be in a place you are not happy with. Meaning finding the root cause. Destruction with cause is meaningless because it serves no purpose for yourself other than to casue misery to filla void.
That ritual meant to destroy my perception or rather my temporal identity was successful but I went in with the wrong ourpose, I just wanted a reset. I wasn’t prepared for demanding task that came afterwards of rebuilding and maintaining a solid foundation. Destruction with Abbadon to meant:
Removal of false ideas like: like I was unworthy of doing magick, of working the gatekeepers, of always standing in line and always wait for the optimum opportnity (there is no opportunity that will come unless you make it so), among more.
Removal of attachment to things like: my need for constant enterainment in way or antother, power can usually not be seen when you surround yourself with noise, sometimes in order to hear you have to be quiet. Abbadon removed from my inner chatter and outer destractions like need for validation and care for friends oppinion.
Removal of fear of consequences; I can’t see I have no moral compass because I do. Before when it came to doing rituals, I hesitated a lot because I wondered how it would affect others and myself as a result. Even though that very thing might’ve just been what I needed. Somtimes doing what’s good for yourself and even others is painful either to them or yourself. To do what needs to be done isn’t always easy and accepting that was hard, really hard. Now ritual easier for I can let go and let things manifest uniterrupted of my fear.
A moment of self - deconstruction of myself occured one day about 2-3 months ago. I was looking at the mirror and while I stood there, I sort of forgot who I were. Like I didn’t recognize the face I saw. I forgot my name for a moment and just stood there, it was a surreal experience watching your face but not feeling it belonged to you. I knew my name as it came back to me but it didn’t fit anymore. Sure I adhere to my state given name when people call out to me, but I no longer identify with that person anymore. I felt as if in order to move on I had to accept that the person in front of me was just gone. And I needed to find a new meaning somehow, this took time to figure out what I really wanted to do with my time and magick.
I spent a lot of time sitting down and thinking how I should manage my time. And also which friends and people I wanted to keep in my life, I removed a lot of people from my life both on social media and otherwise to whom I hadn’t spoken to in ages and quite frankly I didn’t feel the need to. Then I had overlook my daily habits and diet, then I had to figure out what to do with my ascent so far I just wanted power. But what was it meant for?
I’d wanted always wanted to help people figure out their way or their path in the past. For a while I wanted to change the healthcare industry which I still do but I figure that I wanted to restore magick to it’s rightful place as both a science and an art, especially within the field of medicine. We’ve forgotten the human and we used medicine with good intent but we just treat symptoms not the root causes. I figure that’s what I want to use to use my magick for, to destroy the people organisations who have been keeping people hostage and as slaves to their own suffering, for greed. In order to treat diseases I am sure we could use magick instead of pills, although pills used the right way can help the body, but the body needs to be strong as well as being a conducive environment for the medicine take effect. That’s where the knowledge and power I intend to seek out. And someday I intend to fill the void that’s been in the healthcare system which have been there for a long time. Medicine has good people and methods that shouldn’t be frowned upon, that do indeed alleviate suffering and do work, but we look for quick fixes not solutions, and sometimes the usage of several typs of pills at once cause more problems than it alleviates, although that’s not intended. Sometimes its’ better allowing the body to do the healing on it’s own with minimal intervention. Medicine unfortunently has become a place for the greedy and needy and not a place for benefit of the human race., it’s controlled by corporate interest and money. I intend to change that. With that I will now embrace my own becoming and I won’t hold myself back anymore. I feel a lot more free and light and I dare to say what’s on my mind without retsraint wich was really hard in the past
The whole point of the post: looking back the results of the rite were powerful to say the least let and also utterly transformative but the starting point, of wanting to escape is just wanting to destroy without a purpose. Destruction with purpose of treating the root cause and not just the symptoms of your current situation. That is where destruction with a purpose should be aimed, instead of fullfilling a desire for escaping a situation which you may have caused in the first place. Meaning by all means destroy all you want, when you want but do it to maximize your absolute potential and benefit.