Gnosis, Sultitan_Itan, LadyEva… Please be honest with me. You guys are in truth ascended masters who returned to Earth with the quest of erasing your old Myspace profiles and cover up your mortal pasts, right? Please don’t kill me if I hit the nail D: Plis…
Thank you very much for your insight! Things look so much more clear now!
For a moment there I honestly thought it was a Goetic shit test of sorts, or that maybe the spirits had become wary of my unrealistic (bear with me) requests and decided to play non-existent all along.
Imagine that.
“THO HAST SUMMONED ME, RENDER UNTO M-” “I wanna be a vampire! Oh, and a dragon too! And three-breasted succubi where meets the eye!” “B-BUT MORTAL…! YOU SEE, WE AREN’T REAL…! IT’S howyacallit these days, urm… OH YEAH, AUTOSUGGESTION, I SWEAR!”
Hell, even I would play dumb if it were the case D:
In any case, this whole situation surpassed me because I was initially not able to negate the importance, relevance and existence of the Goetic host. Neither I was able or prepared to “see” that at least my travel down the Left Hand path also leads to the sort of merger that the Right Hand path promises.
All in all I draw these conclusions that I hope are useful to you too:
a) As stated somewhere in the Kybalion, and attending the principles found in Buddhism and Socratic virtue: Excess or defect lead usually to wonky situations.
You all remember that parable that it is said that Buddha heard while meditating close to a riverbank, the one about a music teacher explaining that the ideal tension of an instrument’s strings was somewhere in the middle.
It would seem that my excess of obssession in the Left Hand path took me to catch a glimpse the extreme of “hurr abandon all attachment and return to the source” and/or “all is illusion you’re but one huge sleeping bearded dolt in the back end of the Universe”.
It would also seem that the same thing happens to those who tread the Right Hand path for too long, that they become tired of listening to the self-deprecating drivel of negation and at some point decide to be a little more self-centered, declare war upon all which they have been taught, and “fall” into the Left Hand path.
It would also seem that being a little more selfish ends up making you see the humbling enteriety of “Creation” and where one fits in the scheme of things.
I was and am pretty centered on the Goetic host, needless to say, because I view them as all which Humanity should have aspired and followed. The true gods of old, gods who care, ones ready to empower you through harsh lessons and scoff at self-proclaimed prophets.
…but then you get Amdusias trashing about your room and breathing down your neck when you aren’t paying attention. Seriously guys, ever tried to build a neat little home in some computer game when “someone “ seems to get uncomfortably close to you and invade your mind with flashing images of the souless black pits of despair that only a horse’s eyes can? That’s Amdusias for you folks. But after that he’s a chill guy, I swear!
b) That while all this general theme of transcendence seems to separate one from the world, according to the theory of non-locality of consciousness, what simply happened is that my focus was displaced.
Nothing more, nothing less. No illumination, no “holyer than thou” event. Just a readjustment of the perception of reality and/or state of being. Just as someone who dives into a pool does the semi-conscious effort of not breathing under water for obvious reasons. Besides, I am sure to have only caught a glimpse, a “look-and-feel” freebie if you wish, of what would probably be like merging with the totality of the Universe.
So, in my opinion, no, the Goetic host did not vanish, they are both real and unreal as with the self-contradicting duality that permeates existance. I simply stopped perceiving them as such that moment as someone who leaves for another country and doesn’t see his friends for a while.
Do they cease to exist just because that person does not have the decency to even send a postcard? Nay.
Do Goetic spirits though cease to be and become what a magician’s minds shapes them into? Probably, dunno, I was terrible at math and physics and passed by stealing my teacher’s draft test, so don’t ask me!
c) We all know from Chaos Magick that opposing ideas and antagonistic forces can coexists, that a everything is true, even lies, and if you ask me how can it be, well, dunno man I didn’t do it. So, and in correlation with all the esoteric knowledge that the Ying-Yang principle whisper in our minds, perhaps we and the Universe cannot reach “totality” truely.
All our lives we have been told that we must adjust to a certain role model, that we must live in blacks and whites, that there are no grey areas. From our education to our fiction we see examples of this. Don’t do this, or our endlessly comprehending god will put you through the most extreme of sufferings. Do that? And you will be infinitely rewarded whilst your friends, neighbors and even family members roast eternally because they ate sea food at some point in their lives.
The villains are always irredeemable. The heroes are infallible. You know the gist. But reality, esoteric or otherwise, suggests something completely different.
Perhaps we are not supposed to merge with that endless light that binds all into cohesion. Perhaps we are neither supposed to completely break off the cycle of reincarnation to the point of soliplistic existance. Maybe as LadyEva said, personality and sense of self are a spacesuit. A “mere” anchor for our consciousness to use as reference.
Maybe the merger is not as terrifying as it is suggested, maybe we must both walk the Lake of Fire and the Endless Light. Maybe it was the same thing all long but approached by different perspective and degree, for the first will burn away attachments and weaknesses, yet the other may only be entered with no attachments at all in the first place!
What I wish to say is that MAYBE both godhood and unity are BUT STATES OF BEING, not destinations, and that as one may walk a path right into them, he or she may also trace their steps back. That this existance truly has no end, except the obliteration we go through in our different transformations.
d) The real reason behind my evokation efforts? As anyone’s wish: control. Over your life and circumstances, and over other’s when required. Please bear with me my probably childish aims, but aims nonetheless, in this hopefully brief explanation.
Recently I had toyed with the idea of what would be like to project one’s voice into the distance and make it thunderous enough that anyone hearing it would think it must be their deity of choice themselves speaking to them. Imagine for a moment how many current religious conflicts would be solved if that “divine” voice were to command them to stop mucking around.
Not that I have qualms over any more direct approach, but that is what I was thinking at the time.
Well, I got Amdusias. He appeared that night after giving me an episode of “inner controlled glossolalia”, where my worded thoughts were internally twisted to repeat that demon’s name.
An example would be, initially: “I gotta get up early, 7 a.m.-DUSIAS will do” . Then it got to the point where I was wording incoherent and incomplete thoughts that contianed his name. Like having Tourettes, but the demonic kind!
I budged in, whispered his name internally, nothing happened, went to sleep, had a confrontation (like struggling to keep your “self” or state of mind), told him to quit it, and NEXT day saw that more or less his area of expertise is related to producing musical effects. I was so surprised and happy!
But then the “possessions” began. They were small episodes of mental obssession and non-voluntary visualization, like one would do when assuming a godform. I would lay down, Amdusias would manifest in the vicinity and I would feel as a sort of “individuality exchange” would happen. Like energetic transfer, but that while I “become” Amdusias for a few seconds, he obviously becomes me (logical brain interfering here, ain’t it obvious!).
Now THIS is what made me remember all those discarded ideas that demons are out for one’s soul. I of course battled this state and tried to recover my (sense of) “self” in that moment, thinking that if I failed I would become some sort of Amdusias’ extension, a mere possessed vessel with no sense of self, of “history” (my past, present and future), that there would be no more “I” in a cosmic and metaphysical way. That it would have been as if I, not only my current “I”, but the whole aggregate of my past identities and EVEN ACTIONS would be erased.
BUT NOW I SEE THROUGH THANKS TO YOU, PEOPLE 
And these are the conclusions I draw:
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That Amdusias, and the rest of friendly spirits, wanted to show me that in order to manifest the powers that they are known for, one can bypass the whole pleading ritual and assume a mixture between possession and godform.
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That of course it won’t be as nearly as instantaneous, and that it requires enough practise to learn the basics of “becoming” Them if for a moment. I was reminded that possession is a mean for being fixed from the inside, that while scary, it poses no threat if there is trust.
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That Goetic spirits really feel offended when you fear that they will tear your shit up when they’re just doing what you asked. I understand, I got even worse temper, is ok to feel insulted with distrust.
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That there is no loss of the self since we have been the whole set always.
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And finally, being a Goetic spirit is an underpaid and hardly ever thanked job. “Oh cool that you found me a job and all, here, have a bowl of jizz. Also, LBRP inbound! Ta-ta…!” D:
I must finish now my ramblings because something got in the way of my daily responsibilities. I hope to come back and add some more.
Once again, thank you very much. I hope these words are useful to you as yours have been to me.
And these are the conclusions I draw: