My thoughts have been a jumbled mess of late. I can’t seem to get anything done, be it magickal or mundane. The problem is not so much that I lack motivation, it’s that I don’t know what my personal endgame is anymore. In other words, I don’t why I’m doing what I’m doing. If I’m honest with myself, I just want this life to be over with and move on to whatever 's next.
The only way I can really move forward is to figure out what I want from life and go about achieving it. But, truth be told, I lack experiences common to most humans and therefore feel like I don’t have any stake in this physical existence. Put simply, I have become incredibly apathetic to the world and everything in it, including my own well being.
It’s clear that I need to do something about this disease. But I don’t know what. Are there any demons/meditations that help with this? Any advice is appreciated.
P.S. This is something I’m curious about, but how would one go about finding out why he’s here? I’m not talking about something abstract like life purpose. What I’m interested in is the soul’s thought process before incarnating. What did it hope to accomplish by living this particular life? I’m mot sure if having this in info would really help me. But it may be something worth working for.
A lot of people will make you feel like you’re worthless if you don’t have a goal. There are many people who want you on a specific path. There are also those who think they have a formula to happiness.
I say; fuck all of that. What makes you worth something? What makes your path worth it? What makes you happy?
I would be a very happy person if I did nothing but read and draw for myself all day. I don’t have any greater purpose and I’m fine with that. I just think living for the thoughts and emotions are good enough. Apathy can’t be fixed in a day but what you can do about it might.
Yes. In fact there are quite a few experiences I want to have in life. But I don’t want them badly enough to work for them.
@Micah, @SabahSnoblod I think I understand where you’re coming from. But in my present situation, It’s not about what I want. As a physically disabled person, I have to spend a significant amount of time on the upkeep of my body. Most of my life is focused on not being a burden to those around me. This is necessary if I want to stay alive. But it’s all getting tiresome of late and I don’t see a logical reason to care about my life.
It’s kinda hard to articulate this properly. I hope what I wrote makes sense.
@HellChild Ah, I understand now… well, you can still do some things you would like to do, just realize the limits of your disability and adjust accordingly. Just because you can’t do everything, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy life (even some of the strongest people have barriers to their wishes). Also, if you have someone you care for, and they care for you, trying to look after you, they don’t feel like they are being burdened. Caring for others is a human trait that pays off, for both parties. Of course, it’s good you want to take care of yourself best as you can, but there are people who feel like caring for others they care for is something to do with thier time that brings joy. Neither are bad and neither should be a burden.
I think you just lost connection with your essence, or your thoughts block your self-image - I mean healthy image.
Apathy/depression/low self esteem may come because your connection with your being (we can say soul, oke) is blocked - then you lose sense of your true potential and consciousness of your individual spirit. It’s like you have a body but you feel empty inside like a cardboard, right? - completely like a random human in purposeless world.
But you’re here because your soul wanted to be here, and you have your own goals to achieve - your soul knows that, even if you don’t remember or don’t feel it. You can be in apathy, sadness, anger, depression and think how world is boring or unfair - but these feelings are here to signal that your created image doesn’t harmonize with your true being and real potential, that want to manifest in this world.
Reconnect with your Godself through meditation or other exercises and your picture of self-image/world should be much clearer.
I know your situation is hard and you can feel exhausted - it’s clear that you don’t want to be seen as a burden and it makes you wonder about worth of your life and all this renunciation. My words can mean nothing to you in your situation if you’re really really tired and others probably told you something similar.
You can be physically disabled, mentally ill, depressed, without head (I’m not saying it’s all you, do not get me wrong, oh gods) but you’re still an individual soul. With your own unique history, potential and abilities. Your body may be defective but your potential and your value will never be worsened spiritually. Even with this state you can still create and manifest goals - maybe not in the same way, maybe you will have some limitations, but in other way you can still feel joy from these aspects. Not in this way - so in another.
People want to help you because they are here to cooperate with others. It’s natural - this is how we have grown and how we support each other - by this you and other people are developing. I don’t know how it looks in your cause but if they help you, it’s because they want to support you - not because you’re weak. You can be strong and they probably know this, but anyway they want to be supportive in your life.
I agree with you for the most part. But there are a couple of things I want to clarify. Frankly, I was hesitant to post this because some of what I have to say is potentially alienating. But I cannot evolve my views without criticism, so here goes.
When I say I’m a burden to those around me, I mean this in a very practical sense. I have to spend a certain amount of time on the upkeep of my body. Failing which, those taking care of me will be physically burdened to an unreasonable extent. It has nothing to do with how they feel.
Ironically, the very same people who support my physical existence are the biggest barriers to what I want in life. Only one person in my entire family knows that I want practice magick seriously, But she isn’t willing/in a position to help. A shitshow of otherworldly proportions invariably occurs whenever I express the desire to hire a sex worker. There are a bunch of other annoyances that I would like keep private.
My point is that it’s not black or white. Those who help me also hurt me. On good days they are people I care about very much. On bad days, they are shackles who bind me to this physical existence. Recently, I’ m having a lot more bad days than good ones.
Note that I’m not blaming anyone. I accept my family for who they are. It’s just that I have come to a point in life where I absolutely need to know what the fuck I’m doing here.
The problem I have always had with ant occult practice so far is staying grounded. I would ignore my physical well-being and focus solely on whatever I was into. Of course, I would get no results because I was too attached to them and had nothing to distract me from my spiritual pursuits. I have recently resolved this obsession and I’m looking into core shamanism. So it’s not all bad, I guess. .