Darkness, anger and desperation. ~a mere log to whats being done


They are not that popular here anymore, but i cant help but listen to them with a singular absorbtion. ~As they speak of things i myself did wrong, and was too ignorant to come to the conclusions.

No! authors, mods and forum members, i dont make a statement about you, did not ask for your comment on what he said about the thing back then


“Deja vu i have been in this life before.”


If you need help, lemme know. I know how to deal with that shit.


Doubts and blockages, or … ? :thinking:


Everything you need/want from me.


~before i write what my first thought was…

DOUBTS, yes yes…uhm, i could use some help with that. :sweat_smile:

Btw: What i shamefully dropped ~works with lilith, but lilith is also worked within the cabal.
And there are seemingly hints to the old ones…


Well you just tell me if/when/how you want me to help and I will do. You have earned my respect. And that person/thing needs to pay for disrupting you.


The face with the intense presence?

… wait til you go back in time with my activity log :sweat:


Yes, with that one.

Don’t worry my child, don’t be ashamed of you past logs.


Well i asked the pendulum after calling for Nyarlathotep,
and it said that it was him and merely messing with me.

“Was it a test or just for fun?”

To be honest “knowing” that now, makes me wonder why he did not return…
fear would easily kill all doubts and toxic beliefs…

Felt like this when reading that:
Like a humanoid tomcat being petted by the misstress :stuck_out_tongue:


interesting :3


I should think about a proper reaction to those dreams,
currently i just am thankful for such …intersting experiences,
and record them wthout much or any emotional attachment.

("long"ass dream story)

TMW you awoke after not as much sleep you could have get…
but you got up because something hit you into the heart.

The heat and the doings with your corpse were translated into random pressure, heat and feelings of “pulling”, even minutes after gettting up.

In the dream, i was a established magician and programmer,
and i, was so kind to let my parents, brother, grandparents and other family members live in my great house.

Things went down, odd paths.

People who talked to me casually a minute ago, stared at me,
not like serial killers, but like someone who listens to you closely,
and whos eyes never, ever, winked -for entire minutes and longer was there no blinking.
~Even their motion was like overtaken by a frightenly inhuman rationality.

Out of nowhere, the sci-fi-worthy armsfacturer , killed the deal we had agreed on DAYS ago.
After long debate.

At home, my mother came in, questioning me with eyes i should have recognized for their oddity, she asked in a odd overly emotional way, but also looking like needing to hold back,
she accused me of lusting for her, and asking why all of that (supposedly) is.
I told her to igve me a few minutes to think about the gestion and odd situaiton.

Her look was that odd, she did not move in all those minutes, not even her eyelids,
she was frozen to the spot, only tilting the head and focusing the eyes.

I even forgot to answer her question, since i was to excited with a sense of dread,
and pointed out, that even my drawings could stare more intensely than her,
and that she was doing a poor job.

My mansion started to feel like a fragile boat, literally, swinging to the sides like a ship,
it started after even my grandparents developed a malignency of unknown cause.

I went out for a walk, was about to go to a brand new “happy pizza” at a place where it wasnt before a few days ago, and went to a store ~for newspapers and smoking supplies,
and something was off.

They accused me of hating them all, the descendet of a arab, with a semite nose,
his grandson and his adult over 6 feet tall son, who was more like his white mother.

First, accusing me out of nowhere, in a way i would describe for the lack of a better word,
as a “late overreaction”, then, he was blackmailing me out of nowhere, i even tried to lie about a car i just bought so i couldnt afford payng 5 grand -but he said that i could just sell the car.

The situation was getting more and more absurd, reached its peak, when the old man asked his grandson, to pick one of my eyes. (as pawn for 2500)

The two ment stood at the same place, glued there with unwinking eyes,
and seemingly not even breathing, obaserving how the child pushed against the door,
he had knifes in the hands.

I explained how this was a little tooo far fetched, said how he is a cute little boy,
but fairly unnerving, and that none of my rants in the past where more than that: rants,
a little emotional rleive via stupid words. i told that i didnt desire to kill that boy in self defence.

No one listened.

i piacked a steak knife, more like a bread-saw-thing, with spikes at one end,
and took away my pressure from the door, and way too close to me,
i catched his relatively soft (compared to adult skulls) and was surprised how deep the teethed blade went -like 2 inches.

No one even moved.

Like programmed, now the tall son of the old man was ready to attack me.
Without emotion, without blinking, without any unnecessary move to frighten me or to trick me into defending against a faked attack.

I warned him with scratching him with the spikes on the steak knife,
to no effect. No audial response. Even the blood seemed to hold back,
since nothing was flowing out.

He attacked, and i put the blade -not as much, but deep enough into his head.
~Then, i fled. Not because of necessity -or maybe i dont remember a detail like a shotgun, but i had to get out. The whole thing made me feel a nameless alarm.

As i turned from their side to ours, my heart and chest turned fairly hot.


I guess i should dig into that.





The wand is still sticky from my blood :thinking:
and gotta add another night, since i took too long (by foot)
to reach the wand in the forest before the sun was “up”
lots of fog and chemicly clouded sky maybe minimized the damage done to the energy


there was another dream the same night


Scream for me, oh dear violin!

May you inspire me to withstand the nameless fright that will return and wash over me.


Im close to speak with a mason, i gotta prepare myself, for the ~hour long talk,
and he will judge if i will join or not

Hm…i will listen to it when at work…gotta sleep now

I guess i got myself tourette syndrom… i wanna break out into yelling “fuck christ” everytime i hear christian bullshit ~i guess that allergic reaction was caused by “vampire the masquarade redemption” …


Hm…a authority detox might be very necessary.


I thought it would fit in here well, even with being out of context from a personal message.

Just for the record: i feel like koetting stood true to himself, until he stopped writing his own books.
~except the “spider and green butterfly” -fuck that one

After he stopped putting work into his own, he were after glimpses of other peoples work…which is basicly what also the forum is.

The reasons why i took a few times breaks from balg, are pretty much the same the imperator mentioned:

Wikipediawarriors… i read it, i heard it, so it must be true, and i will spend lots of time defending it

Armchair occultists… like trapped in the phase of writing a book, and you still figure out what magical system the fractions in the story shall use -and you come up with all sorts of nice ideas, but fairly likely, there are tons of real and more potent ways to do it, regardless how much you adopted.

fruitless practicioneer -the blend of above, but with the flavor too few attempts and of lacking success added.

wannabees - “i managed twice to kill with a psionic amplifying pattern, now im the next KIRA (deathnote)”


drama -instead of doing magic -whatever kind, to accomplish same goals,
we all are drifintg apart and fapping at our differences

the innocent curiosity that made us look into other practices is now degraded to a addiction,
as if doing the work wouldnt matter much anymore.

And even with sometimes doing less work than a new age cunt,
you still will fight over who the right method and mindset -supposedly, uses

Personally? I would not mind, if we would all go back to writing letters on actual paper.
That way, we just could not overdo it, since it would require us to think about what we write,
and to actually go to the post office or mailbox to send it away.

One could even add talismans or pendants, and instead of writing weekly, could do it once a month, with like a intro page with charged sigils…sounds to me like a sweet idea