Darkness, anger and desperation. ~a mere log to whats being done

i have to keep pushing this.
~I felt calm and confident, and comming attempts must bring forth results.

I thought, i had found a way to fix the issue with amazon,
but it appears to be hexed, for no program seems to be employed.

If you change the paying option on one product,
all are changed or get a error notification = cant be ordered.

Even if i change the detail of every, of those dozens over dozens of articles i NEED,
even if they display that there is no issue, nothing guarantees me that its actually true,
since it could change as it feels like…

Its only realistic, to think that i might not get most or part or ALL of my orders.
~no books, no food, no idol, no candle holder, no BLACK candles in different sizes and so on

“fortunatly”, i have pack of 50 black standard candles(a inch thick and over 20cm long)
from the time when amazon didnt insult me, when it didnt begged me to curse it into ruin.


Incense: IF i have incense, i will use what i have, not what i desire and cant obtain because of the cursed online shop.

thick/thinn BLACK candles: as long as i have those black candles (its hard to find them in local shops)
as long as i have such, then i will use them, but once they are no more,
and i cant get any black ones, i will use any other type of candle

Obsidian, 3 pieces, aroudn the size ofist -if i cant get those, i wont even use substitutes,
since all those things are supposed todo, is to hold the mirror.

crystall ball (yeah i know…its clishee)
if i cant get it, then i will use my obsidian pieces or a black mirror instead (for scrying)

if i cant get a wooden goblet, i will use a ceramic cup, which wont be used outside of ritual

instead of a fancy wooden wand i could use a flashlight or radio transceiver

Instead of a great bowl for sacrifice -my blood or that of animals,
i would use anything thats on hand

and so on, and so on…
~im not going to let this UTTER BULLSHIT stop me from doing the work of the bboa.

Besides, there are websides like ebay, much less trustworthy and no real feedback system,
but i need what i need, and will get it or find a way around it.

I wanna curse myself, for that social platforms make me bitch and whine,
even though i can handle a lot of things.
~soon i will move, and i would end this addiction, then i would communicate via magic, not by pxels

i suck at visualizing still forms,
what i imagine must live -smoke, fire and lightning is easier to make than simple lines and dots

For the delusional, the free, the creators.

TMW euphoria hits you.

This story…its obvious from the start what happened, but the sometimes allmost painfully persistent flow of details, drowns you deeper and deeper in the story,
to a degree, at which you are open to whatever happens.

I cant wait to read it, after finishing the 6 hour audiobook

Why the euphoria?
~Think about it: if there is such thing as reincarnation… What would it take to grasp the knowledge of your former magical lives? …

I guess euphoria is what kept me from understanding you guys back then,
when i made clear that magic appears to be a mere tool, and couldnt understand how you wanna live it -but with the obsession and addiction developing, i guess i come closer to your perspective.

About the story:
What a romantic idea… one would have a central vault to keep documents, while travelling the world for first hand experiences in all those traditions. …writing it, im almost drooling by the thought of those black clothed monks in asia, eating meat and living at places dedicated for the burning of bodies

What did did i do?

I walked to a hill, it was no issue that dogs could be heard near by, the wild winds disguised my shouting.

As of the time of this writing, i feel a little scratchy in my throat -maybe i had been breathing in some of the spraypaint after all…

same paint did i use to draw it one the grass,
it took a while with the wind playing with my hair and changing its own course every now and then.

On my way to the place, the wind already did react for my thoughts, since the most heavy winds hit me directly after thinking about how this had to be done today, not later -the winds blew in my face, with more strength than the other waves had, and then stopped, got back to mild waves.

the wind turned savagely, as i dropped the spray paint bottle,
so i was encouraged to shout as loud as needed to hear my own voice

I went through the evokation nof yog sothoth,
and even with lack of visual experiences, i felt confident and continued.
I spoke a slightly altered version of the nyarlathotep evokation and directly after that, a half way improvised invokation (temple of ascending flame)
the words were not german, i just kept the english of the incantations going,
and found with ease the right words to say.

i might not saw anything spectacular, or frightening, but i know that things are now going to change -IF im willing to do my part.

On my way back, the first hundred meters or two, i kept talking in english, about what i started as i saved my book and papers from getting too moist (rain started with the precise end of the nyarlathote invokation[the part which was scripted])

i thanked yog sothoth, and spoke to it and the old ones in general,
asked y.s. to keep the gate open, and to engulf the whole city and all its people with the being of the old ones

TMW people act strange -either too calm or hold an uncommenly alert look and posture
-like you are some dog that usually bites them, but acts calm all of the sudden, and they feel like its a trap. Thats how i would describe it. The thing is: people with who i usually share only positive words acted like that.

The experience with the presence, which made the biggest part of the face’s terror,
changed something, i got this feeling of pressure -maybe i was “attacked” -more like roughly tested, in order to force development.

What am i going to do?

  1. call yogsothoth into the trinity of triangles
  2. call for nyarlathotep
  3. invite him into me
  4. ask him to assist me with a excercise from the draconian ritual book,
    in order to develop the senses, i guess seeing is more important than hearing -at the start,
    then i flip it, as i need to “hear” what they are saying, and to distinguish my own and their thoughts.
  5. end the excercise and thank both
  6. take a walk and eat something nice of the way
    or a anime marathon, with breaks for pullups in between episodes or fragments

i guess it will progress liek this:

T2 for seeing
T1 for hearing

T1 for seeing
T2 for hearing

“third phase”:
T2 each

“fourth phase”:
T1 for seeing
T1 for hearing
T2 for feeling

et cetera

I screwed up, i dont know what to do…

consecreation of the wand,
which must be done in the first three nights of the waxing moon…
the issue: the first three night were supposed to be the time for the initiation…fuck
that means by overreading that tiiiiny little detail, i wasted an ENTIRE MONTH

There isnt really anything todo prior to initiation -as it seems

and nyarlat told me that he doesnt give a damn prior to it

ok, calm your shit son!

in that order:

consecration of the wand

right of resonating (as often as i see fit, until the…)

initiation via Nyarlathotep

Til the consecration is enough time, to do anything else… but i dont know how and if i can reach them, since they show lacking interest prior to initiation

I dont have a 6 inch crystal ball but S ben used not such huge thing either,
his was MUCH smaller, besides, they are expensive if bought in that size.

I dont have a great white stone
but what i have is a plaster plate, the one that once was on my altar

In matters of practice, i will do anything past the page of 152 in the draconian ritual book,
after i did that a few times, i will alter the formula for an experiment:

instead of becoming the dragon and seeing through its eyes,
i would see through Nyarlats eyes

the order would change into the following:

initation nights / consecration
right of resonating
crazy shit with Nyarlathotep

Tonight: call to the 4th name of Marduk
and ask Nyarlathotep some questions.

Next night: begin of the consecration of the wand.

Regarding the below, i must question Nyarlathotep and must do something myself.

I, dont necessarily wanna romantisize that worsening and worsening situation BUT,
regarding the ethnic and cultural DEATH of my people, and the radiation that is gonna fuck up all human intelect, human- plant- and animal- health + chemtrails, vaccines, non organic grains with glyphosate + poison against fungi, herbs and animals sprayed on the food we eat -or that gets fed to the livestock…

Its basicly a fat reminder to fallout -more like the first two (the original) games.
But not with radioactive radiation… but more and more like it…though i guess radiation might even be less frightening, because you might die slowly, but maybe you keep your mind -while the wireless shit is harming or killing EVERYTHING.

its like people deliberately are sharing sticks of plutonium with vanilla flavor as a snack…

So what will happen?
~Well, more or less “moral” steps might be undertaken,
but im just one person. Sure, soon i will enter the world i craved for so long,
but thats just one guy against politicians, economy, buisness, invading people…

its fairly likely, under the current circumstances,
that i, should i gain immortality, will be the last white and intelligent man, that isnt part of the money-elite.

Lonely in a dark age.
~Hiding in shealded, guarded and curse-secured farm or something,
planting the last remains of non-twisted food.

Can deities do something about such frequencies?

Could a entity help your body withstand such influences?

With exceptions of a few hundred magicians, around the globe.