Cursed before being born (Please read)

Hello everyone,

This is going to be a long topic so if you don’t feel like wasting your time on a broken soul I suggest you do something more useful with it.

I wanted to talk to someone about something that has been on my mind for a long time and since I have no friends or anyone to care about me, I decided to talk here, because BALG is the only community that accepted me and I met amazing people here.

My whole life has been a miserable piece of shit, I’ve never had a friend in my life, I never had someone to call me to go out or people that would genuinely care about me. I’ve been a loner since the day I was born and I cry to this day about it, because even though I pretend that I don’t need people, I’m a very kind and loving person. I’ve always helped people with their problems and cared about them, it’s just my nature to help others, I would put my life in danger at any given moment just to protect the innocent.

But I’m tired, I feel like my world is crumbling around me, I feel that there’s some sort of energy making people stop talking to me, the same energy that causes only bad things to happen to me.

I don’t know what to do, I’ve ran out of options and now I feel like a plastic bag floating without a purpose, each day desperation and death seem closer to me, each day I’m considering jumping in front of a train.

I’m convinced that I’ve been cursed before I was born. I’m good looking, I know how to talk to people, how to flirt, how to keep conversations going and I’m still ignored and unwanted.

My life can’t end like this, I know I’m meant to accomplish such great things and help so many people, I just want to be like everybody else, I want a normal life.

I just want to know, have I been cursed or should I just kill myself?

At this point any option is okay with me, I have nothing to live for and whenever I think about death I feel happy and relieved.
I would do anything to stop what’s happening to me.

Thank you for reading this,
-Kamarov

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well what i would do is identify the problems in your life, and find a spirit(s) that can help you solve them. The life of your dreams is only an evocation or two away. As for you being cursed, i kinda doubt it…i think you were probably just dealt a shitty hand. However…that poor hand is what has led you here, to magick, one of the greatest tools out there that one can use to their advantage. Don’t throw your life away without at least trying it out first

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Speaking as a BPD with chronic depression and a couple suicide attempts, don’t throw your life away.
As I approach fifty, and am considered the weird creepy guy in my hometown, I moved out of state and have a new perspective … Fuck em.
Immerse yourself in occult and other knowledge. If you want to talk to others
, then do if … If not, don’t.
Sex and relationships are highly overrated anyway. I’ve sworn off women and feel liberated.

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Thank you, I’ll try to find out whatever I can and fix those problems. King Paimon has always been kind to me, I’ll talk to Him.

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I am surrounding myself with knowledge of all sorts, since it is the only thing that will stay with me, but sometimes you feel the need to talk to someone.

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The purpose of a forum :slight_smile:

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Also … What us mentally I’ll folks don’t grasp at first …

“I am not alone in how I feel”

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It seems like some of what you’re describing is similar to the mindset I had that wasn’t working for me, and which (sod’s law!) was keeping me from power and from ACTUALLY being able to make changes to the world:

You can’t help anyone while you’re in this kind of mental and emotional shape, so you need to draw a line in the sand about that idea for now until you feel stronger, stop watching/reading/listening to anything that’s bringing you awareness of people sufffering, and focus your mind exclusively on positivity and that which empowers you.

I say this because one of the things I find in many people who are outright depressed is this terrible feeling of being responsible for fixing things, but being in a powerless place at the same time. it sucks and my strong advice is to let yourself off the hook of helping anyone but yourself for a bit.

Treat this like recovering from an illness that had you bed-bound for several months, you can’t just leap out of bed and start performing at top level, you’ve had a lot to deal with and you need to build yourself back up – “I’m not worthy” is not an option here, and you can’t know what’s possible for you until you try. :+1:

Finally, I have to say this: if you’re having thoughts of hurting yourself, it is important that you discuss them with someone who is qualified to help, such as a crisis helpline in your country. Please visit this link to find the appropriate number:

http://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres

If you feel that you may be an immediate danger to yourself, please call your local emergency number or go to your local hospital emergency room right away. If you are unsure of the right number to call, please visit this link and call the number next to the country where you are located:

There’s also a Reddit group that offers non-judgemental peer support for anyone having thoughts of harming themselves, it looks pretty decent:

http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/

And this is an article especially for anyone dealing with shame over feeling, or having felt, that their life had become unliveable: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/2

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Hello, I know the topic is a little bit old but sorry I really felt the urge to respond and it just popped in my searchs while I was looking for informations.

I just really wanted to tell that you’re not a piece of shit for being alone. I know it’s extremely hard. I’m the first to feel really sad when people leave me, but you need to focus on building yourself.

Have the hunger for knowledge and find a passion you’ll see, you will be completely absorbed by it. Music and poetry did that to me. Since I’m really young I have faced depression, illness, social anxiety, paranoia and other shits. But we’ll live another day, and I can tell you this : The path is long but you will see the end when it would be your turn.

Currently, I feel really good about missing all my suicides attempts. If only I knew that I would feel this way after all the pain…

Strangely I also feel like LHP healed a lot for me in a little time and honestly, coming from a Christian family and still having some principles from it, I never knew I would be in this path thanking a demonic King.

Anyway, agree with @Fuego just do what seems great for you and fuck the rest.

If you want to talk to someone anytime, I’m here!

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I’m currently learning PHP, halting all magic work right now and focusing on positive thinking, prosperity and a stable mind and life.

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Thank you @Freaya, @Lady_Eva and @J.A.Ragnarson. and everyone :slight_smile:

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@Fuego For the positive thinking, I read a book when I was really younger called “The secret” from Rhonda Byrne, I liked it, check these kinds of book. Also I could not recommend more Yoga it helped me a lot to erase any bad toughts from my mind. Wish you only the best!!!

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Binge watch MindAndMagick on YouTube and read Think And Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. It was the law of attraction and self help before it got watered down with positive thinking new age bullshit. Seriously $10 at your local bookstore can turn things around. Black magick and the LHP can be a bit overwhelming for a newcomer with RHP roots, especially when dark entities are involved. They tend to push you harder than you want (which is good), and if you’re not ready it can break you mentally. I almost quit magick once but my godself wouldn’t let me. There’s nothing wrong with a good slow-down, in spite of what people say. Mindset is of paramount importance, and to me it is the first step. I talked about my intro to the occult here with Joe March.

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Currently reading Hill and Wattles.

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I’ve sent @Fuego a bunch of free downloads that are out of copyright, as far as I am able to detect, because the text of the really classic stuff mostly is, it’s only reprints and reworkings that may still be under copyright.

The Secret is underrated for what it is, a modernised and nicely presented compendium of many incredibly powerful different concepts all put in one place, I think it gets unfairly criticised for being about “wishful thinking” by people who think their mind is a few pounds of flesh and not the co-creative force of their own universe. :thinking:

It includes concepts from the Kybalion no-one on here would dispute (unless they were feeling ornery!) but because normies didn’t immediately get things by closing their eyes and wishing, it doesn’t get credit.

I think it woke a lot of people up though… :star:

“Positive thinking” was a concept that originally meant reforming your character to acquire resilience, willpower, self-respect, and to become a force for more power for others, something most powerful people are observably doing to the extent one may conclude they do it for reasons… :wink:

The idea it’s just about slapping on a happy face when you’re falling apart behind the mask isn’t correct, but again the original books got either misinterpreted based on the titles, or derivative authors and commentators made weaker versions of the original concepts.

I’ve stated my belief before that the Law of Attraction (aka Science of Mind, New Thought) stuff is actually the hardest LHP there is, because there are NO comfy demon daddies to kick your ass and smooth things out for you, no silky succubi to suck you off either, it takes you right into the storm of facing responsibility for every single creation in your own life.

I had that experience from my own hard work without having read the most hardcore of these books, only some “positive thinking” material and things that hint at you being your own creator, and it was a mindfuck!

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Can’t help but to agree. I just hate when it becomes nothing more than wishful thinking. The subconscious needs to be involved and it needs to include planning and persistence on the conscious side. Napoleon Hill spells those steps out. The Secret capitalizes on the thinking part, which is fine. But The Kybalion explains the why and how of it. The Secret was one of my first red pills, so I don’t rule it out. Bob Proctor is another good teacher on the subject of changing mental paradigms.

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I really feel you buddy. The most important thing is this life is to do what you like to do, dedicate your life to your passion to find happiness and peace, people will come to you and ask how have done it? Please show me… iv been in your position, for real. Be the king of your own life. Go ahead !

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@Fuego @Lady_Eva , especially and the rest of my BALG family -

There is another book I would like to recommend for the “arsenal”, so to speak. It helped me work through some immense fuckery a few years ago now.

The Liber Bathyal by Ryan Anschauung, of the Temple of THEM, takes the reader on a journey through the hemispheres of the brain in relation to the world and everything in it. I found that the Bathyal opened up door ways of knowledge which I had not correlated, doing so in the most beautiful manner.

I hope that the person who started this thread is well.

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I’m really sorry you’ve felt this way . Please don’t take your life

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Looking at what you write here, I see something very splitting here: “My life can’t end like this, I know I’m meant to accomplish such great things and help so many people, I just want to be like everybody else, I want a normal life.” What you do here is saying two contradicting things. So I think you should look at that first and ask yourself what you really want.

An upbringning, a milieu can be such that it indoctrinates you into becoming a people-pleaser. This is hidden abuse. An abuse that can take many forms and in order to truly feel that you are worth something, you think you need to “be there” for other people, when in fact you escape from something very painful, you stay outside of yourself so to speak, and you drain yourself without knowing it.

What you need to do, I think, is to start by not worrrying at all about being, what some abusive people will call, selfish. And I think you should let go of the future for now. Don’t focus on what you might be or become some day but stay right here in your own life. Find out what you need. Feel everything without escaping. Recognize the pattern of wanting the wellknown, even though it is self-destructive and break it more and more. Break it until it feels easy. Be passionate about things you are drawn to. Whether it is visual art, taking care of plants, talking with other-than-human-animals, photographing shapes in the clouds, singing or starting a huge collection of ceramic gnomes. Make your own passions lift you up and be gentle to yourself while it happens. This way you will lift the curse that is probably a thought form.

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