Crows and Love and ridding oneself of a futile attachment

I’ve been going through some horrific inner turmoil about this man for 2 years or so (some written about here)

Crows have been part of the mix because I saw a dead one the week I met him, and they’ve been constant companions throughout this process.

Though neither of us is into pursuing a relationship, there’s been lots of resonances between us - stuff that ties us into the past, and all sorts of mind-reading astral travel uncanny shit. And way too much of emotions - like yeah… too much

So last week I made a difficult decision to write him a difficult email, and next day the response (basically, evasion) had me in a state and i went driving around on a whim - i was called down a road i never drive down, and didn’t know why I was there till I saw what looked like a crow (roadkill) on the road.

When I got home I realized it was still alive so I put it in a nice box and had a Santa Muerte ceremony over it - in case it had to die or live (because sometimes the Santa produces miracles). I left it there, guarding over it for a good many hours, then realized it could never make it because its neck was broken but still it would not die so finally I chose to mercy kill it by slitting its throat, draining the blood into a bowl. In the process I cut my finger, went into a weird trance and realized my blood was mingling with the crow’s.

To be honest I have no clue why I did any of that - I could have killed it in other means, but there you have it. It freaked me TF out, that all that happened. Like I was led/driven to the whole thing

I kept the blood and it is now in the freezer, then I pulled all the tail and wing feathers and buried the crow in a sacred spot i have in the yard

The day after i had a very severe negative explosive emotional experience (not uncommon for me lately but even more pronounced than usual) and the next day I felt cured of my malaise - like a lot of the pressure and tension i felt with this man just lifted. At the same time he and I have suffered a massive communication breakdown, and it’s like we can’t even be in the same room anymore. It’s not that I don’t love him anymore, but it’s like someone turned the dial on my emotions way TF down so that now I can actually LIVE and concentrate on other stuff. Like someone pressed a PAUSE button.

I kind of hate this but TBH it was necessary because I have reached my breaking point so many times since 2019 that I was spent. And I don’t see this shit was going anywhere useful any time soon

Since I feel like I bizarrely chose to or was led to create a blood oath with a dying crow that I killed myself (just writing this I’m like WTF LOL how is this even my life), I’m now thinking a lot about the Morrigan. That is nowhere near my heritage or cultural reference point, though Ireland does resonate strongly with me (as it does us all, I imagine, who are on some sort of path) but IDK I feel like something significant happened last week and want to show up for it in some way

But before jumping on some new deity bandwagon, I’m doing a thorough research of Irish lore and magic and legend in general, and loads re her in particular. So far a lot resonates, and we’ll see

as to the man? anybody’s guess WTF any of that was.

Crows ? They always are near me send by goddess Morrigan :wink: it’s her for sure

very interesting - do you have experience of the Morrigan? Would love to hear your thoughts

I wonder what she wants from me LOL

possibly she wants me to stop pouring my emotional energy into a dead end unavailable bloke

or possibly she’s part of the weird mix with that situation since it all showed up at the same time

or some other thing entirely

Usually she it’s with you an helps you when you are fighting with something , on a battle , journey to become an warrior , she it’s truly great and powerful usually she chooses people she wanna work with not the way around , so be glad :slight_smile: meditate on her do some offering usually she comes in dreams and trance

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hmmm… very interesting

i have fantasies of being a revolutionary or something crazy like that, LOL, me and husband both, we are way into revolutionary consciousness, it is literally the thing we do, put that out there via our art

as well I have lots of military in my background

IDK what this has to do with the other fellow - they both seemed to show up at the same time and all the resonances. But I have decided that I will stop buggering about it (to the best of my ability) just not THINK about it or give it any energy beccause I simply do not know enough and i need my mind for other things

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FOLLOW UP: I know why she’s here

Cu Chulainn and the Morrigan**

This bloke begun throwing his vibe at me a while ago, not sure with what intention

I developed feelings and it all became part of a weird magical liminal space

I offered help in various points (from uber concrete to tarot help) and it was all turned down - always receiving small gifts and innuendoes and gaslighting up the wazoo and occasional emotional intimacy but never anything more - enough to stay stuck for life but never move past and never consummate (fuck forbid LOL though TBH not sure I would be capable of following thru but just as well)

he’s the sort who either intentionally or just thru the force of personality, in spite of not currently being particularly fit or young, gets all sorts of ‘wimmins’ to go after him, fawn after him, etc. So I always knew myself to be part of a stable, if you will - that never really bothered me (since for me it would be a diversion from my marriage anyway) save I resented not even being directly propositioned not even ‘for that’, but then realized it’s just as well because I don’t have it in me to be that - so even without all the other stuff the whole situation soured on me

in spite of myself, i managed to get closer and we built an ersatz relationship; but I am me, not some random nitwit; not capable of simpering and fawning, etc and he was never willing/capable of being forthright, etc.

then in my bizarro way i push the issue (trying to get to ‘shit or get off the pot - I’m sick of you fucking with my energy field’ kind of thing) and i get what to me is a ‘no’ - more gaslighting BS, more evasion, etc.

then the crow thing happened

so she’s here to help me with either:

  1. becoming a powerful female/get over “the idiot” by developing my inner what-have-you (and TBH it has been… miraculous… having the desperation turned off, like 24 hours later… such a gift)

  2. basically in some kind of way to teach this dude a lesson. IE take help when offered, or don’t fuck around with women’s libidinal energy, or know who you’re dealing with before trying to embroil them in some twisted shit (the only thing I don’t like re this scenario is that I really have no ill will to these people; i take full accountability, etc and I have no desire to entangle myself with bullshit. I’d be satisfied with #1 but if the Morrigan deems he needs a lesson, I guess I can be the conduit. After all who knows what kind of nonsense he’s been up to besides myself)

anyway this is AMAZE_BALLS!!! :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: :heart_eyes: I am SOLD.