I’ve been going through some horrific inner turmoil about this man for 2 years or so (some written about here)
Crows have been part of the mix because I saw a dead one the week I met him, and they’ve been constant companions throughout this process.
Though neither of us is into pursuing a relationship, there’s been lots of resonances between us - stuff that ties us into the past, and all sorts of mind-reading astral travel uncanny shit. And way too much of emotions - like yeah… too much
So last week I made a difficult decision to write him a difficult email, and next day the response (basically, evasion) had me in a state and i went driving around on a whim - i was called down a road i never drive down, and didn’t know why I was there till I saw what looked like a crow (roadkill) on the road.
When I got home I realized it was still alive so I put it in a nice box and had a Santa Muerte ceremony over it - in case it had to die or live (because sometimes the Santa produces miracles). I left it there, guarding over it for a good many hours, then realized it could never make it because its neck was broken but still it would not die so finally I chose to mercy kill it by slitting its throat, draining the blood into a bowl. In the process I cut my finger, went into a weird trance and realized my blood was mingling with the crow’s.
To be honest I have no clue why I did any of that - I could have killed it in other means, but there you have it. It freaked me TF out, that all that happened. Like I was led/driven to the whole thing
I kept the blood and it is now in the freezer, then I pulled all the tail and wing feathers and buried the crow in a sacred spot i have in the yard
The day after i had a very severe negative explosive emotional experience (not uncommon for me lately but even more pronounced than usual) and the next day I felt cured of my malaise - like a lot of the pressure and tension i felt with this man just lifted. At the same time he and I have suffered a massive communication breakdown, and it’s like we can’t even be in the same room anymore. It’s not that I don’t love him anymore, but it’s like someone turned the dial on my emotions way TF down so that now I can actually LIVE and concentrate on other stuff. Like someone pressed a PAUSE button.
I kind of hate this but TBH it was necessary because I have reached my breaking point so many times since 2019 that I was spent. And I don’t see this shit was going anywhere useful any time soon
Since I feel like I bizarrely chose to or was led to create a blood oath with a dying crow that I killed myself (just writing this I’m like WTF LOL how is this even my life), I’m now thinking a lot about the Morrigan. That is nowhere near my heritage or cultural reference point, though Ireland does resonate strongly with me (as it does us all, I imagine, who are on some sort of path) but IDK I feel like something significant happened last week and want to show up for it in some way
But before jumping on some new deity bandwagon, I’m doing a thorough research of Irish lore and magic and legend in general, and loads re her in particular. So far a lot resonates, and we’ll see
as to the man? anybody’s guess WTF any of that was.