I’m just gonna put this out there and reveal some deeply personal issues that have haunted me my entire adult life because I’m reaching the end of the rope with this shit so any advice on conquering this shit once and for all is more than welcome.
Long story short I suffer from severe existential death anxiety. Which basically means that my entire life has been one big long existential crisis. Its pretty much severe OCD effective anxiety which I do take meds for. The meds help but I feel like they only mask the symptoms of a deeper problem which is lack of gnosis and ontological resolve. A good lions share of my everyday life is spent involuntarily imagining coming face to face with the ultimate unknown we all must eventually face. These moments nearly always send me into a state of immense existential dread, I lose track of whatever it is that I’m doing, and just freeze up. During these frozen moments I literally feel as if the madness of infinity is staring me in the face and I’m trying not to blink. To call it a panic attack would be an enormous understatement. To cap it all off, sometimes when I’m in the hypnogogic state between sleeping and waking I suddenly feel like I’m there at the end of my life dying and I gasp awake and cant go back to sleep.
I’ve always been a fan of Alan Watts and especially his views on the inevitability of death:
There was a time when I had a sort of pseudo-gnosis about these things. Back when I was a young naive teenage new age light worker I had little to no anxiety about death at all. I was nearly certain that whatever waits for us in the void is nothing to fear, but as I got older and into the darker currents I seem to have lost that “gnosis”. While in magick mode I’m inclined to believe in reincarnation and that there really is a Higher Self I’m likely to meet with upon death, so my magickal persona quite frankly just doesn’t have this problem. Its my mundane self. My everyday normal ego self, or possibly my body consciousness which i may be mistaking for the real me. I really dont know. My biggest problem here is doubt.
I’ve read ample NDE testimonies but I had to stop reading them because the majority of that shit is either normies or people with christian upbringings. I’ve never once come across an NDE testimony from a left hand path occultist.
So basically my problem in a nutshell is that too much of my energy is going toward working myself to the point of being able to welcome the loving embrace of death by the time it takes me, when I’d much rather be putting my energy toward personal ascension and achievement of my highest potential.
If you know of any spirits other than michael who can grant courage or this specific brand of gnosis that information would also be very welcome.
Letana, the Encouraging Angel, from EA’s book Kingdoms of Flame. She “gives courage and strength when despair prevails.”
Opfaal, the Angel of Deliverance, from the same grimoire may also be able to help as he is said to be able to “free the mind from any fears or plagues.”
Let me tell you. I have been getting a huge amount of requests to help with all kinds of anxieties. I tell them all, chakra clearing, chakra clearing, chakra clearing. I send them one basic youtube beginners meditation and within one week they all have come back to me in disbelief at how much better they feel. As if god touched them. PM me. I will send it to you.
Hi. You want a NDE from a witch and left hand path worker here it is. I have died in my life and I am not just talking, of embarrassment. … although that has happened a few times too. I was in a car accident when I was 13. I was having serious issues at the time. So I was depressed and even suicidal. So coming home one day the driver flipped the car a bunch of times and it burst into flames. I was tossed out the window and I died 2ce in the ER. I noticed I was in a dark place and it was the most peaceful I had EVER felt. I was not scared or unhappy. I was just there looking around and thinking wow. I was conscious of the fact that I felt such relief and peace. It was so quiet.
I abruptly found myself in the ER room, by the ceiling calmly looking at the body on the stretcher, and the nurses and doctor’s bald spot. He had come into the room and was barking out orders like a drill Sargent and the nurses all ran in different directions getting and doing what he ordered. I believe it was his commanding voice that brought me back to the room. The next thing I know I am waking up with the tube down my throat on a ventilator staring up at the two iv poles holding many bags of blood and fluids. I had IVs in both arms and in my jugular vein in my neck. With tears forming in my eyes as I gazed at the crimson bags, I lost consciousness again. I was in a coma for a couple weeks. My parents told me that I had been pronounced deceased and they had even pulled the sheet over my head before informing them they had lost their daughter. My dad told them to get in there and keep working on me and called the family doctor and the answering service called him. He left a family gathering and drove to the hospital. It took him about a half hour. He saved my life. I had died twice in the ER. The first time they revived me quickly, the second time not so fast.
The 3rd time I died was on the operating table. I woke with my chest sore as hell. It felt burned and was actually visibly red. I don’t remember as much this time, but I do remember being in someone’s arms. One of the beings that is always with me. When I talked to my daughter about it she told me that my friend had help me in his arms when my body died and I came out. Then when they did the “CLEAR!!” I got sucked back into the body. Damn doctors and their bullshit!! Should have signed that DNR… Anyway. Those are my stories and yes, every word is true.
I think that your fears because they are so pronounced and what is the word… I don’t want to say unwarranted, but over reactionary… Is that a word? Well it is now!
Because your reactions are so severe that indicates to me something from a past life is being triggered. Maybe some past life regression and akashic record reviewing would help you find out what it is that happened so you can deal with it better. Right now you are just suffering from the effects of an unknown. Yes, there IS life after death. Yes we are more than the body and more than the mind. Yes you can leave the body while you are still alive. and yes miracles do happen. Try meditation and self hypnosis. Try hypnosis with someone you can trust. Medication treats symptoms by medicating the body so you can not feel the response as much. I prefer therapy and a more active healing approach. I wish you luck.
I wish it were that simple man. I’ve spent plenty of time in DMT hyperspace. The astonishing infinity I’ve experienced through DMT only seemed to enhance my brains ability to involuntarily imagine hellish versions of it. Plus every trip is different. The orange stuff is more loving whereas the white stuff was nothing short of traumatic and felt like I’d just been abducted by aliens.
Thanks so much for that. It really means a lot. Today has been easier as I’ve begun petitioning santisma meurte.
Its kind of silly actually cuz I have extensive experience with AP and have left my physical body more times than I can count. I guess I just have some hangups about snipping that silver cord and not having a body to return to.
To conquering fear, is to CONFRONT it. If you never put yourself in a position that awakens fear, then how could you possibly overcome it?
I’ve always had a fascination for horror movies, and one of the most disturbing movies I’ve ever seen was The Grudge. Ever since it was released, the main antagonist of that movie was something I found very scary and intimidating. Imaging waking up to this:
Then imagine to actually experience that, but with a much more intimidating presence than the scene above. Also add the physical manifestation and solidity to that experience, while also being fully awake and conscious.
Confronting the fear of darkness and it’s currents can be terapeutic, as long as it’s made with benevolence in mind. First and foremost, it creates a familiarity to the energies and the emotions it creates. Secondly, it makes you more tolerant towards a possible melevolent appearance in the future. Thirdly, you can find strength within the darkness, because it has a purpose and it’s just as important as the light.
Evoking angels and demons to protect you, without ever allowing you to confront fear, is not always the right way to go. Why let our spirits act like curling parents to sweep away the obstacles in front of us, without letting us confront it in one way or another, first? If that doesn’t work, then they can swipe them away.
I get what youre saying dude but there’s really nothing in this world, abstract or otherwise, that scares me. I’ve been through hell and faced the worst of what life has to offer. I just get tripped up by the prospect of physical death and the idea of being dead sometimes. Its like the beloved Terence McKenna said after being told he was dying of brain cancer “I have lots of experience with dying but no experience at all with being dead”
