I’m just gonna put this out there and reveal some deeply personal issues that have haunted me my entire adult life because I’m reaching the end of the rope with this shit so any advice on conquering this shit once and for all is more than welcome.
Long story short I suffer from severe existential death anxiety. Which basically means that my entire life has been one big long existential crisis. Its pretty much severe OCD effective anxiety which I do take meds for. The meds help but I feel like they only mask the symptoms of a deeper problem which is lack of gnosis and ontological resolve. A good lions share of my everyday life is spent involuntarily imagining coming face to face with the ultimate unknown we all must eventually face. These moments nearly always send me into a state of immense existential dread, I lose track of whatever it is that I’m doing, and just freeze up. During these frozen moments I literally feel as if the madness of infinity is staring me in the face and I’m trying not to blink. To call it a panic attack would be an enormous understatement. To cap it all off, sometimes when I’m in the hypnogogic state between sleeping and waking I suddenly feel like I’m there at the end of my life dying and I gasp awake and cant go back to sleep.
I’ve always been a fan of Alan Watts and especially his views on the inevitability of death:
There was a time when I had a sort of pseudo-gnosis about these things. Back when I was a young naive teenage new age light worker I had little to no anxiety about death at all. I was nearly certain that whatever waits for us in the void is nothing to fear, but as I got older and into the darker currents I seem to have lost that “gnosis”. While in magick mode I’m inclined to believe in reincarnation and that there really is a Higher Self I’m likely to meet with upon death, so my magickal persona quite frankly just doesn’t have this problem. Its my mundane self. My everyday normal ego self, or possibly my body consciousness which i may be mistaking for the real me. I really dont know. My biggest problem here is doubt.
I’ve read ample NDE testimonies but I had to stop reading them because the majority of that shit is either normies or people with christian upbringings. I’ve never once come across an NDE testimony from a left hand path occultist.
So basically my problem in a nutshell is that too much of my energy is going toward working myself to the point of being able to welcome the loving embrace of death by the time it takes me, when I’d much rather be putting my energy toward personal ascension and achievement of my highest potential.
If you know of any spirits other than michael who can grant courage or this specific brand of gnosis that information would also be very welcome.